A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to begin with this one. It's gonna be a LONG read, sorry guys. I guess I'll just jump right in..So I have been with my boyfriend (Let's call him 'Jake') for a year and a half. I'm turning 23 and he's turning 24. We had a pretty great relationship up until we started working together. He was having the worst time trying to find a job, so when there was an opening at my job, I casually mentioned him to my boss. Little did I know that she'd actually hire him. At first it was fine, we worked different shifts. But then my old boss got fired, and got replaced with some asshole. He decided to change my boyfriend's shifts to the same as mine. It's been like this for a couple months and it's been driving me up the wall. We live together, we work together, and he spends his free time stuck to me. Now, I have told him on SEVERAL occasions that we need free time, that we need space, that we need to have lives outside each other. He hesitantly agrees, but never actually follows through with it. We have been arguing a lot lately and everything is getting ridiculous. We're moving into our own place in two weeks and I am really starting to worry. Why? Well..On top of dealing with this suffocating relationship, there's this co-worker..I know, how horrible. Lemme just say that I had NO INTENTION whatsoever to even speak to this guy. In fact, I blatantly ignored him (and was kind of rude to him) when he first showed up. I'm going to call this guy, um.. "Brad". But it turns out, Brad and I are in the same boat. Both sort of, I don't know.. trapped? in a relationship. We both need to be with the people we're with for reasons other than love, as bad as that sounds. He has been with his girlfriend for almost two years and is just sick to death of her, for good reason. She cheated on him several times and spends all his money. But anyway.We started out just casually smoking a few bowls after work. It would be myself, him and his girlfriend. It was pretty laid back. Well, on a few occasions, his girlfriend was super late to pick him up or whatever, and it'd end up being just me and him smoking. Well, those few times began to mean something. We had deep conversations, we shared personal shit with each other, and sort of comforted each other when we talked about our relationships and whatnot. After the first few times we were alone together, I noticed he started becoming more.. affectionate towards me. Lemme just say, according to all of our co-workers (especially my boyfriend), Brad is a dick. They say he is cold and plain rude. With the way he treats me, I am always surprised to hear people say this about him. When I walk in, he's greeted me with "Hello beautiful" or "Hey there pretty lady". I know, big deal. Well, it kinda is. Especially considering he doesn't speak to anyone else like that. He calls me "hun" several times a week, too. When I got a new haircut, I was super insecure about it. I was so worried what everyone was gonna think, but when I walked in, Brad is the first to say something. "You look so cute" and later repeated himself pretty much, "No seriously though, it looks really cute". He is genuine with these compliments, I can tell. And it makes my heart melt. But it aches at the same time. I know I shouldn't be swooning when I have a boyfriend, but Brad is the type of guy I always imagined being with. And our chemistry is explosive. We are eerily similar, but different in many ways - which is a good thing. I've driven him to his place one time, because his girlfriend's car broke down, and when we finally got there.. he barely paid attention to her. He was staring at me, sitting next to me, goofing around with me. I was acting very aloof and distant though, because I don't like stepping on people's toes. In fact, I actually feel like a piece of shit for even talking to Brad. I never thought I'd find myself in a situation like this, but with this guy.. it's almost too easy. I've read a lot of people's opinions on co-worker romances; It's a bad idea, don't shit where you eat, etc... but I'd be willing to quit my job if it meant we could try "us" out. God, I feel like a terrible person, but I swear I'm not. I've never cheated on anyone ever. I am just so confused.Lately, he has been a bit more touchy, but not in sexual ways or anything like that. He'll rub my shoulders quickly as he walks by, or lean into me when we're cashing out our registers, or he'll poke me. He always helps me with my side jobs and I never ask. He just sees me starting, and comes to help me out. He makes little comments that have hidden meanings. His smile is plastered to his face when I'm around. When I step outside for too long, he casually comes and looks for me, but plays it off like he was doing something else. Now, it has become habit for just us two to sit in my car and smoke. And talk. He used to call his girlfriend on his breaks, but now (for the most part) he spends them with me. We haven't kissed or anything. Both of us have said that we'd break up with our significant others before we messed around with anyone else. But I mean, he's made it perfectly clear that it'd be possible for him to tell his girlfriend it's over, and then spend the night with a different girl that same day - should the occasion arise. When we have these 'hypothetical' conversations, I just know he is talking about me and vice versa. Tonight, I was really depressed at work. I normally am very talkative and peppy, but I wasn't feeling it tonight. Brad instantly noticed and was seriously following me around like "Are you okay? C'mon, tell me what's wrong.." "You look so sad. Aww, I want to give you a hug." We didn't hug, much to my dismay (fyi). He followed me outside and smoked a bowl with me, and ran his fingers through my hair briefly and was like "You're gonna be ok." And just hearing those words coming from him.. man, it like lifted my spirit. I got the chills. I feel such an intense connection with him but right now, we can't pursue it. Or can we? I just don't know. Neither of us have said anything about liking each other or being attracted to each other, but it's evident. I would have to be a fool to misread these signs.When I told him that my boyfriend and I got a place, he was like 'Hey, you should lemme sleep on your couch' (he's in between houses right now, family drama). And he was serious. If he wasn't into me, I highly doubt he'd suggest something so.. ridiculous, haha.The scary part is that my attraction to Brad is so severe, that when I come home to Jake.. I am almost put off by him. We still laugh, we still talk, we still have sex, we still go to dinner and whatnot but I can't help but think about Brad at least some of the time when I am home. Jake hates Brad, by the way. And according to Brad, his girlfriend hates me but she acts like she adores me when we do see each other. It's a yucky situation, but oddly, I don't feel much regret (yet).I just really need some advice from someone who has been in this situation or something. I don't need to hear how horrible I am, please. I am already feeling guilty enough and I haven't even touched the guy. These thoughts about Brad and I are consuming me.Sorry for the rambling and I sincerely hope you guys actually read everything, heh. Thanks for your time.
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at work, co-worker, depressed, insecure, money, my boss, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): Quit smoking marijuana in private with a man who isn't your boyfriend.
You aren't in similar situations. Brad's girlfriend cheated on him many times...your boyfriend is too clingy (and you are emotionally cheating on him with a guy you spend tine with smoking pot.)
Maybe you should all sober up long enough to figure out what you want from life instead of using marijuana to dull how crappy everything is?
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 I know that answers to these questions have to be in whole, complete sentences and not single words...yet the only suggestion that comes to my mind is "NEITHER". Neither Jake nor Brad. I think Jake's a decent guy who deserves to be with someone who wants him and Brad honestly sounds like a 'snake' as Bond Girl pointed out. You don't want more heartbreak, do you?
Ah...I did a paragraph!!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 July 2012):
 I don't even need to read your entire post to know that:
#1 You should not be moving in with a boyfriend who you feel suffocates you. This should be common sense.
#2 Do you want a boyfriend who apparently genuinely cares about you and wants to be near you, or do you want someone to smoke bowls with?
#3 If you don't like Jake anymore, do him a favor and let him go. He deserves better.
#4 Do you honestly want to be with someone who could break up with his girlfriend and sleep with you in the same day? If you do, you'd better think about this very carefully before you act. If the new guy could do this to his current girlfriend, he could do it in a minute to you. I am not sure why you think this is admirable or even flattering as he sounds like a snake to me. That should not draw you closer to him, it should make you run
#5 It sounds like you are bored with life in general. Figure out what you really want and need before going around ruining lives.
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A
female
reader, x.BrokenxHearts.x  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Okay well first things first, if you and Brad got together what would stop him from doing this kind of thing with another girl when you two got together, yes I know you've said that you haven't kissed or anything like that etc but you said there is chemistry!
Then there's the fact that when you two might get together he may not want you and want his girlfriend back so you have thrown away a lot for nothing or even vice versa you may want Jake back.
Also there is a 90% chance that your feelings for Brad are NOT real it's always easy to feel like this about somebody that makes us feel good about ourselves when we're feeling very low.
And what about poor Jake, my heart breaks for this poor man! By this he clearly loves you very, VERY much! And he will be devastated, you need to TALK to him and I mean properly talk to him, tell him you're feeling claustrophobic in your relationship & if you don't get your space you're worried it may just push you away from him, everybody needs their space, so yes I do understand that but telling him that you both need free time isn't enough as he isn't getting the full extent of what is going so this poor man if you did end up leaving him wont full understand why everything's gone so wrong for him.
Anyway I'm almost certain you will ignore most of this and end up following you believe to be real with Brad.
But I hope which ever decision you make it is the right one.
Keep me updated, yeah?
Take care.
x
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