A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months, and we are in a long distance relationship (5 hours drive apart), at the start of our relationship everything was perfect, I generally felt he was the one! We had so much in common, but as the months went by, we started to realize that we didn't agree on much atall. We both have our flaws; I come from a background where my trust got used and abused, so therefore I take time and struggle to trust people. And I find it hard to not get angry and upset when something doesn’t feel right.His flaws, is a list of things..He is a "bros before hoes" guy, never puts me first for anything. He did at the start of the relationship, but now its always, he'll choose his friends before me. Playing games till late in the morning, and then he decides to call me goodnight at last minute. Where there’s been times id wait and wait for him to call, and hes ended up falling asleep he was up so late. That sort of thing. Whenever I find myself having a go at him, he uses it against me..like calling me controlling and aggressive, when Id always put him before my friends. He is very laid back too, so when your trying to make a point in a discussion, or having a row, hes always laid back and doesn’t seem to take anything in. This results to me getting madder at him, because i feel like hes not listening. We're in a long distance relationship where he sees his friends all the time, so I don’t really think its fair, but he doesn't see it.He says that he will "always keep his friends close". Hes even implied living where he is based for the rest of his life, so he can keep them close! Instead of wanting to compromise, so we both lived together half way between our friends and family. He refuses to plan into the future because hed rather take one step at a time, he wants me to move in with him in a couple of months, but we wont plan any further. So I feel like my future isnt really secure. He is also very stubborn, HATES being told what to do, hes not even close to his parents because of it because he sees it as them trying to "control his life". When he has an idea of opinion in his head, he wont let anyone attempt to change it. Because of the continuous arguments and disagreements, he has suddenly changed. Become a complete ass, all the things I use to get worried or upset about, hes now using my flaws against me.For all the times i had trust issues, or got worried about something, he now asks me all the questions, and says "not a nice feeling is it to be questioned. Well I have the right to now. If you can do it to so can I." Like last night i was up talking to my girl friend on facebook, he text me in the morning saying "your obviously going to be up late today after your long night chats" I told him i was speaking to my friend and he said "Yes like you questioned me about why i was as on facebook late.Well now im asking you. I have the right to". When the time I asked him, he said he was going to bed, and went on FB instead. So yes i was going to question him! But now hes playing the whole I'll get you back attitude, when im starting to think maybe hes just as insecure as I am, and desont trust me like he claims to say, and now using this as an opportunity, thinking he cant be stopped? What do I do? I know I shouldn't have trust issues, but he cant expect me to trust him after 9 months, when realistically, we've seen eachother enough times to be together for 5 months! But of course he doesnt agree, and thinks that 9 months is a long time, and i should be able to fully trust him by now. And maybe i shouldnt have nagged at him in the past, but believe me, I always had a reason to... And because he doesn't take my needs into consideration, we are now in this mess.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 March 2015):
 You are in a 9 month LDR and it's not good... It's never going to be better than the beginning...
I didn't even read all your reasons... He hurts you... He's long distance... why are you trying to make this round peg fit in your square hole?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): One of the reasons many of us wrestle with trust-issues, may be because we stay in failing-relationships long after they go sour. There are no real reasons we do this, just excuses.
You give it a go, and you do what you can to resolve problems; and try to reach solutions. It has to be a joint-effort. Not just you alone.
The goal is to compromise and reach a solution; where everybody wins. I hate that phrase, "agree to disagree." That's bullsh*t. You have to work it out. You can only move forward, when you both know how to solve your problems "together." That requires trust and healthy communication.
There will be arguments and disagreements in ALL relationships. If they are peacefully resolved, and everyone apologizes; then you are being two adults. When arguments becomes a series of fights? You're incompatible. You know it's over, when you fight about the same things over and over. Each fight gets progressively worse than the last. Counseling may help, but if you're incompatible; you're just postponing the inevitable. Personally, I need peace. I like drama when it's on my favorite TV-channel. Not in my life. I have to be able to hit the off-button.
Instead, people use love as an excuse to endure misery and perpetuate discord. They become martyrs and take an emotional-whipping until they're damaged and psychologically ripped apart. Too damaged to offer anything good to a new relationship. Ironically; these folk are the first to go jump feet-first into the next one!!!
No matter how much time has lapsed since the last disaster; if you're not over the last one; you are setting yourself up for failure. Others can't be blamed if you make bad choices. If you're just lonely; and commit to the first guy who seems nice to you, you've learned nothing. Everybody's nice at the beginning. It's when you hit a road-bump that you'll see through the facade.
Admitting to trust-issues, means you're not ready to commit to anyone. You are carrying the fear of the feeling of loss or abandonment; and terrified of loneliness. Therefore; that cycle is repeated. Again and again. It's sabotage. The next guy can't take all the blame. Your neediness and insecurity will keep you both on edge. You'll beat him up over the last guy, and he'll get sick of it. You might even subconsciously seek the clone of the last assh*le; and pickup where you left-off. I'm presently consoling a personal-friend of mine. She's a hot mess. She's the problem...not the guy.
It's often blamed on the guy for being a jerk. If that's true, then why continue being with him?
You gave it nine months. Yet you've remained in this situation well-passed your tolerance-level. He's not using your flaws or faults against you. You are!!! You are putting yourself through hell with a man you can see isn't right for you. Ask yourself why?
Then to top it all off, you're putting yourself through the strenuous task of maintaining a relationship by long-distance. Maybe it was all-good at the beginning. When it started to turn sour; you should have began assessing the pros and cons of continuing-on with this man.
I repeat myself often; because sometimes the situation forces me to. Here goes.
"Having a bad-man is not better than having no man at all; because you can do bad, all by yourself!"
"Unmanaged-insecurities kill relationships." "If you can't trust, you're not ready to handle a relationship."
You don't need anyone else to collaborate in messing-up your life, and making you miserable. Thereby corroding your ability to trust men altogether. You have to learn what's bad for you, and when to get out of it. Not wait until it hurts so bad, you dry-up and fall-off.
You hardly see the man, you have a five-hour's drive between you, and yet you persist on sticking to it. While he is ultimately sticking it to YOU!
He has reached his expiration-date. He is becoming mean and vindictive. He's engaging in a childish-game of tit-for-tat;
when all you had to do, was suggest he lose your number and be gone! That's what you do when someone turns mean, and starts throwing things back in your face. You even admit the true life-span of your relationship feels like five month's worth. The hell-part must seem like an eternity!!!
If you catch him in lies repeatedly; and you can't communicate with him without losing your temper and your dignity. You've waited too long to send the bastard on his way. If they make no effort to help fix things, what's the point? They've stopped trying. So let him go!!!
It hurts to breakup. It hurts even more, and causes post
traumatic stress to remain in bad-relationships. Unless you're a drama-queen; and you're getting some kind of twisted-pleasure from all the drama. Kick that jerk to the curb!
Before you decide to commit to a relationship with a man, take it slow to find out exactly what kind of man he is.
My older brother once told me to judge a man by his temper. That is what I have learned to do. That's when you show your true colors. He didn't say to provoke him to see it. We all get upset. If you see rage, or they are petty and vengeful; that's a deal-breaker. If their anger lingers, or they yell a lot. Turn an about-face, and run screaming in the opposite-direction!
Oh, my dear lady! You'll always feel scared. You'll never stop being scared. That's natural. You're taking a risk.
So is he. He's scared too! In this case, he's immature and mean.
Don't get into commitments for commitment's sake. People with trust-issues never survive long-term relationships. Let alone over distance. They're too traumatized. So they should date just for practice, until they get-over the people who damaged them. They should also seek some short-term counseling to treat them for the anguish and emotional-scars sustained in the drama from those past failed-relationships. We all carry-over a little residual-pain or grief from loss. It's human. That creates healthy caution, and discernment. If the post-trauma cripples us to the degree it becomes an insecurity, we need help. Finding a new relationship will not cure it.
If you can't bounce-back on your own, you seek professional-help; so you'll be healthy enough to deal with the complications and challenges of normal adult-relationships. We all have to learn when to decide it's not working, and when to get out. When all efforts have failed. It's not being weak, giving-up, or failure. It's survival.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2015):
 I think... (and you may not like my answer) that you are not cut out for a LDR. And certainly not with a guy who isn't a good match for you.
I think you are one of those women who pours EVERYTHING into the relationship and then don't understand why her partner doesn't, and the answer is (not bros before hoes) BUT because he is a VERY different type of person than you.
You "questioning him" why he is on FB if he told you he was about to go to bed IS controlling. YOU do NOT own him. Not does he have to REPORT to you a daily itinerary so you know exactly what he is up to.
You NEED to deal with your PAST trust issues, you can't expect THIS guy to "suffer" because OTHERS before him wasn't trustworthy. That is going into a relationship with a HUGE chip on your shoulder.
I think you should end it. Work on your ISSUES with trust and past abuse. And then FIND yourself a guy who CAN fulfill your needs. And I'd suggest.. someone WAY closer to you, not 5 hours away.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 March 2015):
 I think the main issue is not whether he's going to cheat on you but whether he's giving you enough time and fulfilling your emotional needs. Long distance relationship works for him because you are out of arm's length. He can get sex when he misses it but doesn't have to date or court you, which is the part he doesn't feel like doing. You were guarding yourself against abuse and mistreatment but it sounds like you have a new problem here which is neglect. A person who needs to take time, take it slow often attract unavailable guys. It's best if you can resolve past issues without them affecting relationships. While dating you need to have higher standards besides just someone who proves he doesn't cheat and abuse women. A relationship only starts when you can see that after he got you he is still committed to making you happy.
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