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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been dating my boyfriend about 8 1/2 months, and he's always upset. We're in grad school together, and he won't stop making things competitive between us. He's really smart, but I do better than he does, both in terms of grades, and in terms of job opportunities for after graduation. This doesn't matter to me at all - I worked before grad school and got some great experience, and that's been helpful to me. I don't see it as a big deal. The thing is- he does. I respect this guy more than anyone I've ever met -- he's brilliant, and he knows I think so. But he's so used to being the BEST that it's hard for him not to be, and it makes it harder b/c his girlfriend is one of the people "beating" him. I've done everything I can to show him that it doesn't matter, that the grades are arbitrary, that he's really smart, etc., but it doesn't help. He's always so upset, and because I'm part of the cause, it makes it impossible for us to just have a nice and normal relationship. When things go badly for him, instead of talking to me about them, he blocks me out. A couple of times, he's made it a point avoid me and not to speak to me for days at a time. Since we're in most of the same classes and see each other every day, this is a pretty obvious tactic. And it's awful, b/c all our friends notice that something's going on, and they keep asking why I'm putting up with him treating me so badly.He says he really cares about me, but that it's just been really hard for him. We're in the process of interviewing for post-graduation jobs right now, so there's been a lot of stress. It's been hard for him that I've gotten offers everywhere I've applied, while he's applied to the same places and others and has only gotten 2 or 3 offers. He says things will get better once this is past, and that I just need to be patient. Should I wait on that? Or should I just quit now, before I get more hurt? I really do care about him. Before things got so bad, I was sure I loved him -- I'd never felt that way about anyone before. Now, I'm just not sure. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, FudgemallowDelight +, writes (23 October 2005):
to be honest i think that this is unfair, why should you have to do all the work and everytime you talk to him be made to feel liek you are walking on ice incase you bring up something that you could be better then him at.
chances are when he achieves something great he will be telling you and telling you how great he is etc and you will have to listen and be happy for him. that is good tahts what you should do, but not if he wont do the same back.
so what if men are more competitive then women, does that mean that you should feel degraded becuase you arnt allowed to feel good about yourself when you achieve incase it hurts your bf's feelings?
he is acting very selfishly towards you and it is him taht needs to post on here a problem, not you. it is natural for him to sometimes feel a bit down when u do better then him but that doesnt mean he should ignore u, he should put on a happy face and realise how important u are to him - much more important then winning!
he needs to realise that he cant be the best at everything and hes not ther best at everything. he has his strenghts and weaknesses as do you.
my advice is to talk to him about this and SET HIM STRAIGHT! dont listen to him when he says 'its just really hard for me, i just need time' tell him that either he can start respecting u and being happy with you and stop being so self-obbsessed all the time or he will lose u.
might be scary to say this to someone you love but at least you will find out where his priorities lie - winning or you.
hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (23 October 2005):
 You say that this is not important to you, but I really don't think you are being honest with yourself. You made it sound like he is brilliant but you are more so. No problem so long as you don't want to date most men. You have some decisions to make and it will not be easy. You have to decide what is most important to you and rank your priorities. It is much easier when you have a life plan because then you will never have to wonder what to do next when the two things you value are at odds.
So if you value your relationships more than your lover, you will have to make some adjustments with how you interact, particularly around the bf. Men have a competitive nature by design. Testosterone increases in women are linked with increased confidence, and an increased competitive nature. Oestrogen causes more attachment feelings and desire for connection and feelings associated with nurturing and love. Both are desirable traits and both show up in different degrees in both sexes. Follow?
I imagine that since you are attempting to connect more between the two of you that you will have to submit yourself a bit while you are with him and keep the "gung-ho" part of you for your career. I know, sounds so Bible thumping. And I tend to do that some times, but trust me, I've been where you are but more so. I have degrees and am in love with a sexy union man who has no degrees. And if I were honest the more he seemed not to care or to dismiss by brain power, the more I threw it out there for the world to know. It demeaned us both.
At first I thought we would never make it since he could not appreciate my strengths. In fact, my need to have him recognize my achievement almost ruined us. The more I knew, the worse it got. I doubled in finance and economics. So, imagine how it felt like a slap in the face when he refused to listen to me when it came to anything about money. But to keep him, and he is a keeper, I had to be the one to let it go since. . . it did not occur to him first.
Begin by never letting the conversation drift anywhere near school and grades. This will also enable you to grow the relationship in other areas. Find a friend to talk this all out with. He will feel competitive so long as he hears about how great it all is for you.
Next, always ask his opinion when you can, even if you think you have the answers. You need to do this with an open mind. Pride comes before the fall so, avoid it and be open to his view points. Humility never hurt anyone. I don't know about you, but most of the really smart people I have met have a humility about them. They don't seem to need to broadcast what they know and others figure it out eventually. The more you talk of your accomplishments, the more you will have to defend his or tear down your or feel marginalized. It also will cause others to secretly hope, watch, and wait for you to mess up. Or it might cause others to sabotage your efforts. We all are going to mess up eventually, so the more support we have, the better off we will be. This is not fair and men don’t seem to have the same problems but it does often actually happen to women and should be planned for if you want to compete.
Finally, don't try to comfort him if he does get upset. Act as if you don't notice or that you have confidence that he will figure it out. No matter what, if you try to say anything about it, it will come off as pity. You clearly are proud of yourself, and you have a right to be, but to turn around and say it is no big deal, betrays you and seems like fraud to him. Besides it is a big deal to him , obviously. Change the subject and ensure you show (not tell) him that you think he is amazing. Talk him up and you will be an amazing person. Unfortunately, no one else really cares about school except those who have been there and future employers. . . and your bf and you
In conclusion (finally), realize that women usually do better in the books but men usually do better in the real world. The world isn't out to get us, our emotions are. We tend to internalize real world office politics more than men do. At the same time we usually either take on more responsibility at home and at work or are left with it which makes coping with stress that much harder. All this to say that if you are at the end of the school portion of life, it all could improve very soon.
As you get further and further away from school, the weight it carries will dwindle. And as life hits harder and harder, you will realize that it is not as you thought it would be and that you would need two life times to have it all.
Do NOT take or refuse jobs based on his reactions. I would say to do that if you were married. But you are not married and must keep your life on track to benefit you until you are. You are not a team and anything you do to put your life on hold to benefit him or your couple-hood will be something you resent should you not marry him. After marriage, you need to work as a team and the laws are set up to insure your choices, should anything go wrong (at least in America).
If you are inclined to value your career above love, just end the relationship as it is the only humane thing to do. Otherwise, out moms had some good points and some things never change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2005): you know what-it would actually be bad for both of you if you stayed in this-because you're allowing him to think that its ok to be like this, guess what-its not, you're in school, you're obviously clever, you must have some decent family to have given you a sense of your own worth because you're questioning this twat, and you are soooo right, you're even luckier because you have friends that value you enough to tell you its wrong for you-...you have all you need, your boyfriend should be proud of you, shouting out about who you are & what you've achieved, how dare he take from your success by sulking & robbing you of your pleasure-is this a guy whos nice...? no its not, hes such a drama queen-imagine if you let this kinda behaviour continue-imagine what he was like by the time he got to being a husband!!, if he cant be reasonable & be behind you in what you've achieved -then whats the point-is he trying to say that it would be ok if he was the successsful one above you-would you support him?, i think you would, i think you should walk away from tantrum boy & leave him for dust & you and everyone else will see him for who he is...its just his way of controlling you by ignoring you-its grabs your attention & makes you focus on him & he wants that because the attention was on you with the grades..so what if takes up with someone else-shows what an asshole he is & how childish-tit for tat is all that matters...and you what...would'nt ya feel sooooo sorry for the poor girl who has to hang around with control freak boy anyway...i mean -is she a loved, admired & respected equal...?
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