A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:please can anyone help. i dnt know what to do about my relationship with my long tearm boyfreind. most of the time he is nice, he is affectionate, gives me cuddles, is faithful, cleans and cooks, he always tells me i look nice and stuff but when he is horrible he is really verbaly agresive. he will shout at me if he is in a bad mood, crizisizes me and nag at me when he is pissed of. he dosent shout that much, it's just the moaning at me i dn;t like. i know people moan for a resson but i just wish he would be more chilled out with me and not be so up tight, and volatile, i wish that he would tell me the bad things in a none criticul, moaning, nagging, way. aswell when we have a fully blown row, he will get really nasty and he will say something nasty to me something personal, or take the piss out of me or something i might do, just genuraly about me. then i will get nasty back, by trying to out do him by beaing really nasty and horrible back and make hime cry. i get really imporsanle to by calling him nasty names. but where i see it from my point is that if people are nice to me then i will be really nice to them and try to out do there nice ness, but if they are bad then the same treatment applies. i feel like he is the one that starts on me alot of the time and i feel like why should i just sit there and let him moan and critisize me. sometimes i probably ask for it, but when something bad happens to him at work or with his family he will just take it all out on me by being really nasty and horrible and by that i mean, he wont shout he will just moan about anything to me in a really nasty and horrible voice and i just switch off, well want to cuz of how he is being with me when its not even my fault, it feels like, he will find any excuse, of me doing something bad, just so he can have that moan at me and take it out on me about what he is anoyed with. i feel abit like aswell that when we are argunig that he plays with my mind and trys to twist things, even thought he might not be. it's hard to tell when your in the situation. so i really dnt know what to do. i think that would everyone go mad for the things i do or is he well with in his rights to moan at me, and by that i mean, i can be quite messy sometimes and im not the most organised person in the wourld. so i think that if i was with someone else then would they treat me the same or, are there more relaxed people out there than my boyfriend. i dn't always deserve to be shouted at and moaned at thought. oh we live together aswell. it feels like he moans at me every day or almost everyday, about something or another. i just dnt know if i deserve it all the time and if i do i think that he can say it in a less critisizing manner, or we are both as bad as each other or what. please help someone with no live experiance as such and doesn't know whether or not she deserves it because of the fact her boyfriend is really good in other ways. i know that know relationship is perfect i just dn't know wether or this one is right?
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female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Communicating is a skill, something that we learn and can get better at. One of the hardest parts to get right is how we communicate when we have something negative that we need to say and as such lots of people get it wrong.
Arguing is never about communicating. Once an argument starts all reason tends to go out of the window and all that matters is winning the argument. If that means we have to hurt the other person more than they are hurting us in order to "win" then that is what people tend to do.
People will frequently lash out verbally at the nearest person when upset, and unfortunately that is often their partner. You know the saying we hurt those that we love the most? When he comes home after a bad day at work, and needs to express all that frustration somehow, it's you that bears the brunt of it for no other reason than the fact you are there and available.
It sounds like he isn't a very good communicator, but then lots of young men aren't especially when it comes to their feelings and emotions.
It's not a matter of if you "deserve it" or not. There are times when we all do things that lead our partner to want to say "I don't like..."
The way that you are communicating the "I don't like..." things to each other sounds like it could be better, but it is something that you can work on and improve. Talking to each other about how the way things are said (not the actual content of the conversation) makes you feel would be a good start.
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