A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi...i am a 28 yr old, and in a new relationship with this great guy i met recently. he is everything you could want in a guy. we started dating a couple of months ago and so far things were good, until one day he asked me to check his email for him and i found out that the so called best galfriend of his was once his lover. she has been mentioned as a good buddy, when i approached him, he didnt lie about it. he did admit and i accepted the past,only to tell him that the day i feel insecure abt them, i will move on. he lied abt their relationship but i accepted it cos i didnt want to lose out on the present.anyway, now i find her calling him n they can talk for ages. it is natural for me to feel upset when they talk. or i am just being extra paranoid here. my partner left the previous relationship but he does care for her deeply. i cn tell. i cn feel it will create a problem in the future. i couldnt let him destroy his bond with his family and friends to make mine...its not fair but at the same i get upset when he talks to her only.plse shed sum light.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): thank you so much for the answers. I could relate to it. i guess end of the day the entire decision is mine. is it normal for an ex to call up ( like 4 times ) in a day though? my partner did tell me it was her calling because she had some problem. i fear i will lose him if i continue like this, and yet at the same time i cannot hide me feelings. we havent even said the magic words yet.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): I have the same problem with my boyfriend. He is my first, but I am his fourth, and he keeps in touch with two of his exes. Just last weekend he went on a camping trip with one of them and some friends, but he didn't tell me until the day of, claiming he thought he had mentioned it before. It makes me feel very insecure, knowing on the one hand that he would never go back to any of them, but still feeling pangs of jealousy. My thoughts are, if you know that nothing is going to happen, then act that way. He mentions something about hanging out with her, I ignore it. I don't dwell on it, or call him out on it. Some guys may like a little bit of jealousy... but being overbearing will just drive him away... that's probably not the best advice ever, but it's what I do, and it's worked so far (with only minor breakdowns).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Oh dear babe, this is a toughie. Some girls can just close their eyes to this and rationalise, and all is fine. I envy them because, like you, I find it hard to accept this kind of situation. But it's normal to feel the way you are feeling. You are certainly not paranoid. It is natural for a girlfriend to feel a pinch of jealousy about exes, even more so if they are still on the scene and particularly close to our new man.
Probably the key to reassuring yourself and knowing whether this is just an innocent friendship is to know how open he is to her about his relationship with you. If all is clear and in the open, it may just be something harmless. But talk to him - if he is the right guy, who understands women and their sensitivities, and if he values you, he will be there to reassure you - maybe not just with words, but with concrete actions, like taking a bit of a distance from her if it makes you feel better. Just watch out that you dont end up being the nag - she will always look better in comparison if you do that. Time will definitely make their friendship less strong, and in turn yours will grow stronger, so just try to bite the bullet for a bit, whilst also confiding in your man about how unconfortable this is making you feel, and if he loves you, he will try his best to prevent this.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Tricky one for you, but if its any consolation, i have been able to stay friends with exes and have had a couple of problems with boyfriends because of it. But the relationships ive ended i might of still had feelings for the person, but they would never of been a threat to the current guy and its as simple as that. I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole in that way! Besides i dont think your guy would have you check his emails if he had anything to hide!
Sometimes we end a relationship because we know its not going to work for a few reasons, but that doesn't mean we dont like the person as a friend.
I would trust him on this one, i know where he's coming from. And the friendships usually fizzle out naturally anyway as everyone moves on with their lives.
C xxxxx
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