A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 3 years still spends a lot of time with his ex-girlfriends mother-in-law, calls her mum and generally spends time with the family. He's kept this from me a few times when he wanted to spend time with them rather than my family. He's been separated from his ex for 5 years now. Why is he still so close to her family? I'm not really too worried that they're close but he refuses to let me meet them in person or talk over the phone. If they're so important to him and i'm supposedly the person he wants to marry and have children with why does he want to keep us separate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): I must say, OP, that while friends are friends and regardless of how he met these people that's all they are, 3 years together and he still has people in his life that he goes to great lengths to keep separate from you is bad news.
I mean I could understand if there was bad blood between you and them or they didn't like you or something but they don't know you to dislike you so it makes no sense.
The fact you don't know why is a red flag if you ask me, either he's explained it and you don't accept it or he hasn't explained it and won't.
You need to talk this out with him in more detail. My wife has work colleagues and stuff I've only met once or twice, but anyone she's friends with and spends time with has met me plenty of times even if I'm not necessarily included in their friendship.
That said even in relationships we have a right to privacy and have friends outside the relationship, it's healthy and it's fine. But the James Bond, double life crap is not going to work. I mean he views these people as important enough to him that he calls one of them mom, so to him they're like family and that means after three years he's intentionally keeping you away from them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): He broke up with his ex, not her family. Technically her in-laws, not really her blood-relatives. Possibly her enemies. If mum didn't like her ex-daughter-in-law; perhaps that's her way to razz her, and rub her nose in it. By loving the be-jeevers out of her ex-boyfriend. Besides he may have a better relationship with those people than his own. He's know them sense his teens? You didn't mention his age.
Whatever differences they may have had as a couple, has no bearing on the feelings extended and exchanged between other members of her family or in-laws. Apparently they still get along and share a history together. That makes him feel like family. Some people are just that nice.
If they've adopted him as an unofficial family member and make an effort to maintain a friendly relationship; I truly don't understand what you find so unusual about that? Perhaps they like him for the same reasons as you do, he's a good guy. His relationship just didn't work with his ex.
Perhaps your curiosity unintentionally comes across negatively; because I gather just from your post, it doesn't make sense to you. Do you believe his connection to them, is still a connection to her? Do you suspect he's seeing her behind your back, when visiting them? You say you're not so worried, but wrote a post about it.
If you act uncomfortable about them being friends, that is the reason he isn't over-joyed about introducing you to them. If you should meet, he doesn't want you to come across to them as suspicious; or like you're investigating the family only to judge them. Like they have to pass your approval or something.
Being protective or evasive, he may be sensing you will not like them; just because of their relation to his ex. Some girlfriend's will hate anyone and anything even remotely connected to their boyfriend's ex. Maybe he's just being cautious. How does he know that you don't only want to get close enough to let them know you don't like them? Only to cause friction? Just let him know that isn't what you want him to think.
It doesn't make sense that it even matters to you. They're not really related, just some people he's fond of. Like good neighbors he grew up around. Harmless, and basically irrelevant to your relationship. It's more important to get to know his biological family.
Straight-out ask to meet them; and be genuine about it.
Bury any sly notions or ulterior motives. You're his girlfriend, and you just want to be a part of his world. Very understandable, if that's all it is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 I think it comes down to HOW often he sees them. If it's NOT that often, I would regard them as "his" friends and let it be.
My first BF still occasionally visit my parents (well my Dad now, since my Mom passed away) and we broke up over 20 years ago. He has NEVER brought a new GF to met them.
But you write that he sees them often, I think that is not at all helpful in YOUR relationship because he is clinging to a family he is no longer part off. And YOU are not part of that deal. Would I tell him he can't see them? No. Would I tell him I want to met them? no. They are, frankly, nothing to you.
If it feel wrong to you I would suggest you explain HOW it makes you feel and why, and see what he thinks. Maybe ask him how HE would feel in your shoes, see if you two can figure this out.
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