A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 years old and have been in a relationship w/ my bf for 2 years. Sometimes I feel like it's very serious. Sometimes I just want to leave. There are so many problems that I don't where to start. First of all, sometimes he is so immature I feel like I should be getting paid to babysit him. And of course he doesn't see it that way. He pouts constantly because I work all the time and only see him a few times a week. He pouts if I go out w/ my friends, my GIRL friends. He pouts if I don't agree with what he says or says something he doesn't agree with. His mother is a real witch, to put it nicely, not to mention that she is a raging alcoholic. She has been horrible to me so many times I've lost count, and he has only stood up for me once. and very weakly that time. He refuses to go to college and is stuck in a dead end job, I mean a real dead end job. I offer suggestions of trades he could learn to get a better job and he knocks all of my ideas down. I am at a point where I feel like I want a man and not a boy. I don't want to wear the pants in the relationship and I do in this one, because I an adult and he is not. I have no one to talk to because my sister is married to his brother. my friends adore him and my parents love him. He is a wonderful guy and he truly loves me, He is in love me. I love him but I am not in love. I don't know what to do. If I break up with him, it will only break both of our hearts, we don't want to break. I have pleaded, begged, threatened, done everything I know to do to try and get things to change. We have even broken up over it. Please please please help me. I am desperate.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 OK so I take your point about his father being around and your father trying to help him but if he is ignoring sound advice from someone who is older than him then nothing will EVER change.
I am somewhat confused over something though, you asked the question about feeling desperate and needing advice from everyone and when that advice is to give him a small amount of time via getting the message to your sister and going down the route of it getting back to him via his brother etc or even telling him directly YES this will hurt him but sometimes you have to cause pain to actually affect a grown up response.
He is IN LOVE WITH YOU and you now don't want to hurt him but you are HURTING YOURSELF sweetheart by allowing this behaviour to continue, if he doesn't take control of his life he will stay this way forever. Even though it is often hard to hurt someone who apparently loves us SO much that things need to change or else, if their love is as strong as they say then they would not behave in this manner in the first place so maybe he banks on your guilt to keep you both together, is it fair of him to expect you to stay in an unhappy relationship because it WILL bring you down eventually, be the stronger person in this relationship before it is too late to walk away. God forbid if you had children think of how that could impact on you both?
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionall of the answers have been very helpful and I very much appreciate. As for the Father figure-- him and his dad get alond very well but havent lived toegther since he was 13, and they rarely see each other now. My Father has tried to take him under his wing, but my boyfriend only accepts it when it's convenient for him. One big problem with ending this is that he is in love with me. I just can't bring myself to break his heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): i had a boyfriend just like this, possessive, jealous, hated me doing anything without him, and trying to cause huge arguments over small insignificant things, stuck in a rut sort of... always bringing up past arguments to make you feel guilty. it's just my opinion but i'm going to tell you i stayed in that relationship for 5 years and it just got worse.i know it's hard because you have so much history and family connections but you have to do what's best for you, it's not your family that have to put up with this! and you shouldn't be guilted into staying in the relationship by anyone!if you say you're not in love with him you should maybe take a break and spend time alone or with your friends and see if it makes you any happier.whatever you decide... Good luck!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 September 2008):
There is only so much you can do until you are dragged down into his little world.
I would try one last thing.
Talk to your sister and tell her about everything and how his life just seems to be sinking ad you have just had enough and don't want to "go down with the ship." Tell her he has 2 weeks to show improvement and then you are packing up and moving out with no more warnings.
She will tell her husband. Her husband will tell his brother "look she's serious this time, get your act together because you will be losing a great thing."
Then if he still doesn't change then you can just go, knowing he had his chance and could not be bothered. You've warned him enough times and it hasn't worked. A warning from someone outside might scare him into changing.
I know you'll be hear broken when you go but I think you have to do this for yourself. You shouldn't be stuck feeling so bad about every thing all the time. You need a man not a boy, as you yourself know.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (17 September 2008):
Sweetheart sounds to me like you are banging your head against a brick wall and nothing you do or say are going to change that.
Your bf is set in a rut and is not prepared to put the work in to make his life better. He is jealous when you go out with gf's and he sulks when you don't agree with everything he says, how immature.
OK so his mother is an alcoholic but is the fact that he acts like a upset child only the attention seeking behaviour that is inbedded into him because his mother is probably in such a drunken stupor that he does not get the attention otherwise. This is obviously a pattern of learned behaviour and he has no role model to show him otherwise. You don't mention a father being around so maybe that is what he needs more than anything as his mother is not giving him anything to look up to.
Just because your sister is married to his brother does not mean that you HAVE to be linked to the family as well. You know each other well but you also sound like an intelligent girl who wants more out of life than having a bf who is miserable all the time.
I think if your bf was more proactive about changing his job and the way he behaves you would have more respect for him.
I also think that when you look at your bf as being lazy and not willing to make things change in his life the real love has disappeared out of the relationship and you just get set in a rut but he is clinging onto for dear life like a raft as he thinks he will drown otherwise.
I think you need to give him a big shock and say that unless things change you cannot continue being his gf anymore but stick to it this time as you are not helping him or yourself if you stay in a stagnant relationship. I know it will be hard but do you want to remain miserable and waste your life because your not in a happy relationship.
Give yourself so time and ask to remain friends as you value his friendship but you don't feel like your relationship is going anywhere and maybe suggest to him about some counselling to resolve some of the issues that seem to make him this sulking boy all the time. Tell him you will support him if he goes for counselling but as a friend not a gf as you feel he needs space to resolve these issues before he has a gf in his life.
If you stay in this relationship you are only going to pull yourself down and you may not have the strength to get out if you get so low. Make the move now and you won't regret it honestly. I know you may get flack but if you put it in such a way as you are trying to help him with resolving his issues then perhaps others will understand and maybe he will to.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 September 2008):
 The hardest thing to learn in this life, is to know when to give up. To just call it a day, you tried, didn't work, move on.
Love makes this even harder because the movies tell us that if you try, your prince will come, things will change and there will be a happy ending.
Real life doesn't work that way and if you spend all your time working on a relationship that ain't going nowhere you are going to not just evetually end-up with a relationship that hasn't gone nowhere but you yourself so burned out on it that future relationships are doomed from the start as well.
You say it yourself, you love him but are not in love with him. You like him but not as a boyfriend, for that you want to change him into something you do want as a bf. That rarely works.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (17 September 2008):
 It sounds like you have reached a point in your life when you move on. It is always kind of scary, confusing and very uncomfortable in many ways, but you have to end it, chill for awhile then begin to open up to other possibilities. No hurry. You are very young and will find the right man eventually - maybe not absolutely perfect, but a supportive and stronger man whom you can love.
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