A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship although we have been friends for many years. We are trying to figure out if we want to move to the same country and make a go of things and will plan to spend a month together soon. My problem is that I have asked him to get an STI check (and I will too) before we start to sleep together and he freaked out. He is not able to use condoms and I was not taking contraception previously so we have never had full sex. Now I have started taking the pill and the expectation is that we will start to have sex. I regularly get sexual health check ups because I believe it is the responsible thing to do. Apparently he has never had one. Now he is getting distant and telling me it is a huge thing to ask of him, and that he has to think about it? Obviously this is non-negotiable for me because I care about my health - but should I end things because of his reaction? We are both young(ish) - I am shocked that someone of our age has never had a test when he doesn't use condoms, and even more shocked by his aversion to being tested.
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condom, long distance, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 June 2014):
 "Too bad you are having a panic attack about a perfectly reasonable request. I guess that you just want to continue being long distance friends. I'm not moving anywhere or doing anything sexual with a man who has a childish tantrum about doing a sensible thing to protect his health and mine."
I would probably punt this one. He sounds very peculiar about this.
Sorry things didn't work out the way you'd hoped, but at least you know now that he has this problem.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2014):
 STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Do not touch him or let him touch you. He "can't" use condoms? He's not even protecting himself, and don't let his pressure cause you to crack. Break up with him before he pulls that crap. He could be HIV positive or have herpes or give you HPV which can complicate with ovarian cancer. Genital warts? The guy could be a petri dish of disease.
Another thing - ORAL sex passes those diseases same as intercourse, so you better stop all that and get tested again. Seriously, when we say "Don't touch each other", we literally mean DON'T TOUCH HIM!
You said you're in different countries?? If he's ever been to Africa or Asia, HIV is a very real possibility, and people can have it for years without knowing it.
Get tested again if you have gone oral, and unless he does a complete 180 and gets tested in your presence before you touch each other, then end things. Do not waver one single bit. You've already placed yourself in danger if you did oral.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (12 June 2014):
Why can`t he use condoms.......Is he scared. I think you need to communicate a little better.
I think you are being reasonable. I think he has an issue. Just stick to your guns. There maybe a bigger issue than he is telling you.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Agreed. Stick to your guns.
He says he CAN'T use condoms. He means he WON'T and he's never had anyone force his hand.
IF he's allergic to latex they make lambskin condoms but sadly they do not protect from HIV or other STDs only pregnancy.
My husband hates needles. I had no clue about this when I said "you need an STD test and I need to SEE the results" He went and did it. And I went and did mine.
And we had them done every 6 months by our doctor until we were married (her policy is single folks get STD testing every six months in her practice) we actually had to tell her we could stop as we are monogamous now (I had come from an open relationship)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Yep, stick to your guns. This is without doubt a deal breaker.
There is NOTHING wrong with your request. My husband and I did a FULL STD/STI + HIV tests before we slept together (we were LDR for little over a year). I actually thought doing a HIV test was freaky scary and I had never engaged in any "risky" sexual behavior. IT was still scary, but I still did it. My husband was tested regularly (the Army test soldiers quite often) but he still went and had a full panel, because HE had many many sexual partners. It's the smart thing to do.
I'm wondering if he is using this as an excuse to "halt" the moving in together.
I DO know that some people would assume that because they never had any symptoms they are free of diseases. I think it's more out of FEAR and IGNORANCE that they are dragging their feet. The "WHAT IF" pops up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014): Sounds like a deal breaker to me. I always get a std test for every new relationship I enter, my partner as well. Its obvious that he's trying to hide something he doesn't want you to find out. I hate condoms and the birth pill is so. . .prepared. We like it to be spontanious so a test is a must in our relationship.
Let him know that its a deal breaker for you. Plus he should WANT to know if he's at his physical best. I think he already knows where he is, physically. He's just afraid of letting you find out. He has launched a preemptive strike by making you believe it's an offensive thing to ask someone. He hopes by being distant, you will retract your request for an std test. Don't let up. He has to know this is essential for any relationship. Its not offensive to want to know your partners health, especially if its something that be passed on to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 You don't say what nationality your boyfriend is, and there is a slight (a very slight) chance there is some sort of cultural cringe or aversion happening here. Australians, for example, can sometimes be very lackadaisical when it comes to their health, especially men. He may need some time to not just compute the fact there are people in the world who regularly have health checks, but also that he is being asked to have a checkup without first displaying some symptoms of ill health. (I know this sounds a little crazy)
Give him a little longer to get used to the idea, and then if he still refuses, even knowing that it is non negotiable for you, end the relationship. If a man is not prepared to do this very sensible thing for you, it demonstrates a lack of respect for you and also for the relationship.
I do hope he sees the light! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014): I wouldn't trust him. Maybe he's nervous about the process, but he'd just have to research it to find out that it's not worth the panic.
How did you protect yourself when having oral sex?
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