A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have started my first serious relationship in college and now my boyfriend and I have 2.5 years of being together. He's 2 years older than me and he finished college, so he had to move from the dorm. And this where the problem started. Before, we agreed together that we will probably move in the same place when I will graduate from college, but now he seems to blame me that I don't want to and ask me why. I told him that I think that are are probably not ready for this, plus my parents won't agree with me staying with him before I graduate, these being true. He blamed me for not wanting us to evolve and he seems to have some sort of urge of domestic stability, since he ended this chapter in his life. Plus he told me that it would be easier with the money. And he says he lives in a permanent pressure that things in his life aren't stable, mostly because of us not living together and he had to find something on his own. I partly understand him and his concerns. But...I feel that he isn't aware of how our relationship will be if we do this. To explain my concerns more, I have to add that we are both introverted people and don't have a lot of friends (almost none) and this whole time we had only ourselves, which was fine, that was what I wanted aswell but I feel that at some point spending too much time together will ruin this. I think that in order to move in with someone, I have to work more on myself, to evolve more as a person, to make some friends. The first thing that happened to me when arriving to college was meeting him, which was great and I felt that it made me a better person, but I didn't have time for a time on my own doing my own mistakes. I'm not saying that I want to be with other men, because I love him very much and I think he is right for me, and just because of this I don't want to ruin it and I say we both need some sort of social independence and doing some things apart from each other. And though he isn't the type of guy that forbids me to do other things, I think the things that come in life while in an evolving relationship (to marriage maybe) makes it tough to cultivate this kind of independence that I mentioned and I fear that we will end up unsatisfied and stuck in something that isn't a relationship anymore. I just need to know if my thinking isn't distorted or something cause I overthinked this over and over. Am I being right, or is this just a silly thing that I'm thinking and I should give these thoughts up and move with him more early?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): Hey there, honey if you feel you arent ready to move in with him, then dont. If he isnt willing to respesct your boundaries and accept you, then he isnt any good for you. If he is so bothered about his instabilities, maybe you could help him to find a therapist, because living with you is NOT going to make his life or your relationship more stable.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 July 2015):
 Your parents' concern is that living together increases your chance of getting pregnant. Having a baby would halt your graduation and your career dreams. There is no guarantee that your boyfriend would step up and marry you.
Your concern is that your social life would be stifled. My idea of making friends is simple. If you have interests and find other people who have mutual interests, then you would make the effort to reach out to each other. Socializing would feel like work, feel unnatural if you only see it as a rite of passage to grow up. There is no reason why you can't make friends why living together. If you don't make friends it would be easy to blame it on shacking up.
College work and a relationship can be a burden. There is only so much you could handle. Maybe it's a good idea to do one thing at a time so to not complicate your life. Being introverted also means that you need alone time to recharge. Your boyfriend is wrong to pressure you to move with him. You don't need to make up reasons as to why you are not moving in with him. I am afraid your initial reasoning about socializing would not be enough to convince him. No more talking about parents and friends blah blah. Just simply say you are not ready and he should respect that. He could find male roommates to split the cost. If he tries to manipulate you saying you don't love him, then that only confirms he doesn't love you, and is selfish.
A big decision such as living with someone require 100% certainty and assertiveness. Without mentioning marriage that percentage should go up to 120%. He has not given you any reason why moving in would be a good idea for you, rather than he's impatient, he can have a live in sex partner who also helps with rent money.
I think your concerns about independence are valid. It's not silly. It's just you are inexperienced in life. I could think back in my first marriage, my ex husband was the socialable one and I got friends because of him. We were always together though. I am never the kind to make friends for the sake of it but at least you have to give yourself to chance to find out. Whether you will be unsatisfied and stuck, that depends on who he is, and how much effort he puts into the relationship to make it fresh. How much space you give each other, etc. No relationships are the same.
I am the "just do it" kind of person. My opinion is that all that planning and waiting only delays the truth that you would find out later. So what if you waited a year then move in with him to find out you aren't feeling the relationship anymore, then you would have wasted one whole year.
Still I say you have to trust your gut on this. This is your life, your decision to make. You also have your parents against this so practically it would be better to wait until you have financial independence.
...............................
|
