A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I would ask that you view this with an open mind.After a string of very bad relationships and heartbreaks on both sides of the relationship, my partner T and I truly believe we have found the person we want to be with for the rest of our lives in each other. We have been together for 7 months so far.I am feeling so ready to take the next step in our relationship, but he is really not ready for it. He knows he wants it to happen, just "not yet".He and I both know 7 months is too soon, but part of me also wonders what the point of waiting for the inevitable is. The rest of me realises good things take time.He was engaged once before, an action he has told me was guilt-tripped and manipulated into by her and her mother.The engagement lasted a year, and he broke it off as she was physically abusive towards him for the vast majority of their relationship. This was a year and four months ago.She left him with a LOT of emotional scars, so I think understandably he doesn't want to get engaged again until it's on his own terms, without being pushed into it. He thinks that if we do this before we're BOTH ready, his apprehension could cause the one thing we don't want, ever. Fear, leading to anger because he feels backed into a corner. I understand it totally, I react just the same.The trouble is, with the way I've been feeling (and have sadly vocalised to him), I feel I have come across far too pushy, and am only just starting to come down off my little cloud and accept reality. I'm so scared I've ruined it, though he has said that I haven't. I feel a bit of an ogre for how much I've pressed for this. We've always talked about it but doing it is a whole other thing. I don't want to lose him because I was rushing, and he tells me to relax and stop overanalysing this.What are your thoughts?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 I still think it is way too early for any of you to even be thinking about marriage. You don't know each other. No one knows each other as well as they need to to be married after only 7 months. 7 months is nothing. The problem now is that you are so set on marrying this man you probably wont be keeping your eyes open for the red flags. If your are NOT a woman who only wants a ring on her finger, then if he had proposed now, this very moment, you would have said "no, I need more time to get to know you". However you want to jump at the opportunity to marry him, when you barely know the man. What that says about you is up to you to decide. What that says to me however is that your relationship so far is going great, and has the POSSIBILITIES to grow into more. However it also has the possibility of ending badly. If you have already set your eyes on the "ring" you will be ignoring all the warning signs as they come along. You also commit yourself at a much higher level than you should. You think to yourself that you and him are as good as engaged or married already, because you heave your heart set on it so strongly. That means you will push the relationship towards a much more serious level of commitment than it should be at after only 7 months. That's a spell for disaster. "You can't hurry love", the song goes... and it's wise words. Why do you want to marry a man you have known for only 7 months, if it isn't because you are eager to get a ring? Why? Think about it. Do you really know a man after 7 months you think? Take it from me, you don't. Next year at the same time, you might hate his guts. I have an ex who was Prince Charming the first 6 months. He even talked about proposing after 6-7 months as well, and told me later on he was really close to just popping the question, and he talked about us growing old together etc, baby names and so on. He then carried on the relationship LYING to me about tons of things, taking advantage of me financially, not replaying money he borrowed, threatened to throw my things out the window, yelled at me, screamed at me, threatened me, wouldn't allow me to do this or that or say this or that... But none of that started to show until after the first 6 months, and I stuck with him for a year and a half because I thought he would some day go back to being his wonderful self that he so often could be... But as he got more and more comfortable with me he got more and more abusive, calling me a bitch, throwing things at the wall, screaming at me for the stupidest things and taking me for granted. But if you asked me at our 6 months mark? I'd tell you he was the one I should marry, because of how wonderful he was. Ask me now and he's the biggest mistake of my life, he brought my self esteem down to a level it's never been before and I feel stupid for ever believing in anything he ever said. But I didn't know him back then, at 6 months, and I didn't know he was all full of LIES. Be careful. You don't know him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not rushing him ... we both agreed on a time scale that we BOTH wanted ... he has told me that he would have proposed by now but he is fighting a lot of demons. I repeat, I am NOT pushing. I am fighting through a lot of my own demons and we are taking the time to heal from them. I updated you because I thought this was a good thing ... a resolved question - we resolved it ourselves as a couple with the help of some of the agony aunts on here (thankyou).He has told me he will propose when he is ready because he will not be pushed into it. And I'd rather it stayed that way, because it is the right way. It doesn't mean he doesn't want it, just not yet.You have reduced me to someone who just "wants a ring on my finger" and seem to have ignored the fact that I requested an open mind before I said anything. HE HIMSELF said he wanted to propose to me next year, and I made a mistake in pushing to be sooner, which I no longer am doing. We HAVE talked about his needs, our needs and my needs, I have mentioned that the issues that I've had also are IN THE PAST. I have told him that a lot of our demons will take time; years even, and that I'm always here to talk them over. I don't expect him to be perfect because no-one is.We have a relationship built on communication, honesty and trust. I hope this makes my question and resulting responses a little clearer.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (18 December 2011):
 OP, I worry you have still got "expectations" of this happening sooner than it actually will. The things you said in your follow up show you are not actually listening to your boyfriend at all....
"I actually told him to propose no earlier than the beginning of next summer (21st June), so we've both got some breathing space to work ourselves out."
"And "next summer" is enough of a definite for me to stop me worrying"
All this says is " I will give you until june, then you have to propose". This is still as controlling as his ex -gf. He now will feel pressured to make that commitment as you are expecting it, not because he wants to or is ready to.
You have 'TOLD' him not to propose any early than the 21st June 2012. This does not mean he will, or that he will be in any way ready to at that point in time.
You still may have to wait another year or two before he IS ready.
Please do not set your heart on getting a proposition next summer, because I fear you will be sorely dissapointed.
I agree with Chigirl. You need to talk to him about what he needs to do to grow and feel happy again.
I also think you need to decide what you want, because from reading your post (from the viewpoint of a total stranger who doesnt know you) it seems that all you want is a ring on your finger and to be married. Relationships are about FAR MORE than that. They are about teamwork, compromise and trust in your partner.
If your boyfriend isnt ready, you have to respect that. He may not be ready for another 5 years. You have to decide if your views on marriage are compatible and if in reality he is the right man for you.
There is an old saying... marry in haste, repent at leisure. By rushing him, you might actually be making the biggest mistake of your life, and 2 years down the line find out he isnt the man you thought he was.
Relax, calm and take things as they come.. do not put time scales on love.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 December 2011):
If you want to marry him by next summer I suggest YOU do the proposing, instead of waiting around for him to do it and make yourself all stressed out about it. When a man says he wants to be the best he can before he proposes he often has unrealistically high expectations to himself, expectations he wont ever be able to fulfill, such as owning his own house, have the dream job, have the dream prospects and perfect car etc etc etc. That means he needs to be over 40 before he is "perfect", haha. So if he's one of those guys, keep your eye open for opportunities to propose yourself and make him feel like he is worth a million bucks, so he doesn't feel like he's not good enough just yet and needs to wait and wait and wait indefinitely.
Talk to him, later not now, about what he means by "the best man he can be", realistically what it means.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,
There was a development last night talking about it ...
Brought on by the fact his younger sister (also my best friend) got engaged last night. Can't say that didn't feel a little raw considering my recent feelings, but I was mostly overjoyed as the pair of them are made for each other. :)
T and I decided last night that neither of us are ready - both of us need some time to heal. I actually told him to propose no earlier than the beginning of next summer (21st June), so we've both got some breathing space to work ourselves out. He knows he wants to, just not yet. He said to me "I want to be the best person I can be when I get down on one knee", and likewise for me.
And "next summer" is enough of a definite for me to stop me worrying.
Next step for me is relaxing. I really don't want to mess this up. :(
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (17 December 2011):
 Your boyfriend has been through alot.
He was pressurised and manipulated in his previous relationship so these are "no go" signs for him.
If I was in your position, try not to pressure him or bring up the subject around him because it will take him some time to feel like he's ready. Pressuring someone always backfires.
Like you have said 7 months is not a long time. You still have alot to learn about each other.
He also may need more time before he can come to share your view.
Take it easy... whats the rush?
He loves you this is the most important thing.
You say your both happy so, enjoy the moment!
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 December 2011):
OP, you do have a problem in the relationship, that is why you came to this site, and the questions need to be tagged one way or the other. "troubled relationship" was probably just the most fitting category to tag the question under, so don't take it to mean anything else.
My advice for you is to listen to your boyfriend. Relax, don't overanalyze this. He says you're cool then you're cool. Imagine if you are to marry him, do you really think something like this would be enough to ruin the entire relationship? If he is serious about you, and you are serious about him, then you can handle a conflict or difference in opinion without that meaning anything is ruined. So you pushed too far, but now you've calmed down and aren't pushing any further, and instead respecting his opinion to wait with getting engaged and married.
7 months IS way too soon. You don't really know a man until you've been in a relationship with him for at least a year, in my experience. A year and a half even. 7 months is still the honeymoon phase, and you have yet to discover what lurks underneath the shiny exterior. He is right, the relationship, and he himself, isn't ready.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 December 2011):
It has only been 7 months. 28 weeks...210 days.
However you look at it, this is a VERY short period of time to be getting engaged. Marriage is about long term commitment, which is FAR longer than 7 months. I know things all seem hunky dorey now, but what if you feel differently after 12 - 18 months?
You are still very much in the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship. It is still very new and exciting.
If you know he is the one, what is the harm in waiting?
I don't think you should even be considering engagement until you have been together for over a year. This is a realistic time period to be able to see your partner, get to know them in ALL situations and assess how you really do feel about each other.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has been very hurt, and is understandably scared about being forced into a corner. There are A LOT of women, who set out to 'trap' a man into marrying them, (be it intentionally or just because they are over excited ) and once they get the ring on their finger, the mans life becomes a misery.
He is scared. He was treated badly. Don't rush him.
I know you are desperate to get married, but really, what is the rush? if he really is your perfect man, then waiting a bit will do no harm whatsoever.
Chill out, calm down and just enjoy being with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S I don't class this as a troubled relationship, as much as I do personal conflict ... we are actually very happy.
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