A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hay everyone, my boyfriend of 5 months is a very good person (too good perhaps) and a bit workaholic, who would always help if he could. Otherwise he feels guilty about himself.On the other hand, my father is very egocentrical, quite egoisti and he lacks empathy. I get with my mother very well, but she's absent most of the time, because she works in other country, so I practically live only with my father and my (lazy) 17 years old brother. We live in big house with big backyard and the garden.So my problem is, that my father is always asking my boyfriend for help him around the house. Like everytime my boyfriend visits me, my father gives him new work to do.For example, it's sunday morning and first day of our one week vacation. My boyfriend say he will pick me up at 10 am and then we go to the beach. He come and meet my father on the hall and start talking with him. I go to get my stuff in the room and when i come back my boyfriend say: i have to get your father's radio in his motorboat repaired, he asked me to. So we went to to the beach at 14 am instead of 10 am!Another example is, my boyfriend visits me after his 9 hours long shift. He meets my father in the kitchen and before i realize, my father gets him to start repairing our dish washer! And between that time, my father instead of helping my boyfriend goes to visit his friend!That kind of things are happening in 90% of cases when my boyfriend come to my house. It's really driving me mad, because i feel like my father is using my boyfriend for stuff he should do (he's retired and healthy so he has a time)!! I've told my father to stop using him that much, but he ignores me.I understand that it's nice to help your father-in-low from time to time, but that much!? It just seems unfair! My boyfriend have a big house and garden too and instead of taking care of his house, he's taking care of our house! So practically he neglect his home work because of my father!I've never really get along well with my father, because he is over critical, dull and sometimes verbally abusive. When i was younger he beated me from time to time. I still remember the day in my teens when i argue with him and than he threw me on the floor and started choking me.I've told my mother that i feel my boyfriend is my father's slave and she agreeded that my father should stop using him. What to do? All this slavery thing started to effect the relationship between my boyfriend and me. I'm quite quick-tempered and when i'm angryi start yell at my boyfriend for how he can yourself to be my father's slave.I really love him and I want to stay with him, but that father-my boyfriend situation is driving me mad! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I'm sorry, but it's up to your boyfriend to man up and stand up for himself.
Your father is purposely being a jerk, and doing his best to take advantage of him. He is mocking your boyfriend for being dumb enough to do whatever he says. That means your father is using intimidation as his way to bully your boyfriend. Your boyfriend will get tired of it; hopefully.
If he's scared of your dad, marriage to him will be hell; because your dad will abuse him. He'll leave you to get away from the devil.
Why don't you have your boyfriend meet you outside? He can meet you at the end of the walk outside the front door.
Have him call you on his cell phone when he arrives, and get your ass quickly out the door.
You have to outsmart your father.
You can also meet your boyfriend at his house. Stop keeping him waiting for you, so your dad gets to him first.
You're obviously taking too long to get ready, and that gives your dad a head-start. It's partially your fault.
You're both a little dumb about that. Your dad is waiting for him. He must think you're both a joke.
Rush past your dad, take your man by the arm, and drag your boyfriend's stupid ass out the door. Don't stop pulling until you're out the door. Tell your father he's your boyfriend, not his servant. If he isn't going to pay, stop telling him what to do.
Then tell your dumb boyfriend if he keeps it up, maybe he shouldn't come back until he is man enough to stand up to your dad. You love a man, not a boy. You dad is cheap and pampers your brother; because he was born a boy.
Your boyfriend should always respect your father in his own home. On the street or sidewalk, he is his own man. He doesn't have to listen one word your dad says.
So that's where you should meet him from now on. Use your head!
Time for you two to GROW-UP, and think about moving out on your own. Stop letting your dad run your relationship.
You're a grown woman, and don't have to be acting like some teenage girl letting her father rule over her adult-life.
Both of you letting your dad treat you like mindless children.
Your boyfriend is a wimp, and letting your dad kick him around. He thinks doing what he says will help him to get along, instead its your dad's way of showing disrespect for the both of you. He is also mocking your boyfriend's family;
by belittling him to that of a servant. Tell him that.
The way to deal with an egotistical bossy dad, is to outsmart him. That does not mean disrespect him.
Show him you're smarter and an adult, and he'll respect both of you for it.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Your father is being unreasonable and you have tried to tell him but he's stubborn, lazy and won't listen.Don't yell at your boyfriend, he's only trying to make a good impression on his potential future father in law.Instead explain to him that he is making a rod for his own back. If he always puts your Dad's needs first then your Dad will expect it too continue and it will become impossible for him to say no. Basically it will become a habit, your Dad is a bully and he's trying to control your life through your boyfriend and control him as well.Either meet your boyfriend away from the house so he doesn't have to speak to your Dad or get your boyfriend to say politely "I really can't help you today because I promised your daughter I would do this with her today and I've let her down a lot recently to do stuff for you!"If your Dad insists then your boyfriend has to man up and repeat "No, I promised your daughter and I won't break a promise to her" then you must both leave. He should not say sorry or apologise, it shows weakness. Your dad is apparently asking a favour, your b/f has the right to refuse.Your father might develop some respect for your boyfriend if he says no sometimes, failing that will at least see he's not a push over.I wish you luck AB x
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