A
female
age
30-35,
*luffyPie
writes:Hello.I have a 10 months relationship with my boyfriend. Recently, I kinda started to push him into being more communicative (sorry, didn't want to make it sound this brutal).He's 25 years old, never had a relationship before, but that's not the cause of his quietness. He actually isolated himself inside his room (when he's not at work), sitting in front of the computer, he barely talks to his parents, and usually the basic stuff, like "good morning", "I'm off to work" etc (they don't have family issues, at least not that I know, since he told me). This is him, this is his personality. OK, now about our relationship: we live in the same city, but due to our schedules, we can't see each other too often, most likely once or twice per week, so our main way to communicate is the internet. I'm a talkative person, in real life and on the internet as well, I babble about anything and sometimes I tell him useless stuff, in order to find a reason to make conversation with him. Whenever I get to a "minefield", aka having a serious/mature conversation, he changes topic, or goes monosyllabic, claiming that "he's bad with words, he never knows what to say". I've been patient, I kept talking to him and asking him how are things, etc, just to stimulate him. I listen to him in the rare moments he comes up with something, I get interested in the subject and I try to develop it and so on. I told him that I want to help him open up, in order to make this relationship work. Sometimes I see he's making great efforts to talk about anything, and even if his topics suck, I go with the flow. These efforts are being made after I give him hints that he should be more communicative. And after a few measly lines, he goes silent again, until I chose some other topic (and so on). It's like an endless circle. In our last conversation, I told him that I've had enough, that he's not doing anything to work things out with me (even if he -reassured- me that he -will-), that he's not cooperating at all, that he doesn't give a damn. I told him that he makes me happy when he's interested in how my day was and daily stuff I do, that it makes me feel important. I ask him everyday "How was your day?", he goes "boring at work", then he sends me a few funny pictures aaaand that's kind of it. That's how it's always been. In a huff, I told him that, if he thinks I'm forcing him into talking to me against his will (yeah, I kind of failed this one, I was pretty rough and rude and oh, so unprofessional), then he should find another stupid girl to time him out, and he says: "you never forced me into doing anything, I never felt like, not even once". And I said "OK, is this all you can?". I needed a strong answer from him, not a stupid irrelevant, obvious childish line. And then he told me (again) that he's not good with words. And he confessed that he barely talks to people (including his folks, he lives with them). Otherwise, he never asks how my day was unless I initiate conversation. I told him that I'm sick of this one as well. I'm not getting into more details, I know I have failed at approaching this subject with him... I told him that I don't want to change him, because he is special to me the way he is, with or with a big mouth. I'm just trying to make him understand that it takes 2 in order to make a relationship work.Does my relationship have a future like this? Any advice is more than welcome... Thank you in advance.
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reader, FluffyPie +, writes (23 July 2010):
FluffyPie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ask oldersister, OK, maybe I deny the fact that I want to change him. Either way, he's not making any efforts to "compromise", because, after all, it's all about "compromise, give vs. take" and so on. I think you hit the nail on the head with "I think this is just the way he is, the way he is comfortable". Yes, he is so comfortable with himself, he won't bother to *try* to make this thing work, even if he keeps saying "I'll try, you'll see". I always get deja-vu whenever he telling me this, "oh wait, I think I've heard that before". And yes, maybe I'm being too harsh on him, but I'm kind of starting to get sick of his passivity.
Let's imagine what would happen if I make this compromise and become quiet, if I place myself in his shoes. Must be embarrassing to be told you're not able to make conversation. Especially when you're a 25 year-old grow-up.
"they don't have family issues"- go figure, do any of them talk? Imagine holidays there with kids." - Well, his 3 year-old niece often pays them visits and he confessed me that whenever she's there, he comes out of his lair to play with her, he loves kids. I went a few times to have lunch with his parents, but it's all quiet. They stare at each other and they seem pretty uptight. And when they talk, they only discuss the bare necessities. Plus, I know his parents love him, but they resigned with him.
I also find pretty embarrassing sitting here and relate my story to some unknown people, seeking for help, instead of beating it out with *him*. I just don't know what to do. I'm positive that the main solution is "dump his a**", but I'm not sure if I want to do this. He is serious, smart, faithful, well-educated, wealthy, handsome, anything a woman could ask for. A woman who doesn't know he can be cold as ice as well, by his free or against his will. So, I don't know, maybe give him (or myself) an ultimatum, maybe sacrifice this relationship would be the best...
Yeah, time to go back to my work :)
A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (22 July 2010):
FluffyPie is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Ask oldersister: I'm not trying to change him, to make him something I want. But it takes two in order to make a relationship work. I feel extremely disappointed in myself for telling him all those things and for making him feel humiliated. The funny part is that he doesn't seem to be upset, since he's still acting like nothing has been said.
Maybe this is his "defensive device". He sure doesn't know how to handle a conflict, so he withdraws. Easy-peasy to get away from your nagging girlfriend.
@ janniepeg: "I think if you really need to talk, that's what girlfriends are for." - I'm positive about this, but I'm not talking about gossip with him, or "I started this new diet", I'm pretty sure he wouldn't give a damn. Plus, I don't have too many (male or female) friends, since I tend to be isolated, but not introverted, I have a very good relationship with my parents, and they love him as well. He is OK with this and with the fact that we don't have to share our experiences with the "outsiders".
He never rejects me when I complain about something, he's trying to cheer me up in his stupid and childish manner, but I think he's just doing it so I can clam up. Or maybe I dig too much into the issue, looking for "signs" or "meanings" where is not the case. I don't know. I just feel like he's wasting too much time doing nothing. I got him into this convenience, since I'm a woman and I act according my emotions, not my logic. That's pretty sad.
Anyway, thank you for reading my story and for your answers :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 My mom and Dad are having a relationship like this. When they are in their early 30's my mom complained all the time about his non communication. My Dad felt so sad and one day he just blurted out, "I just don't know what to say." On another day he said "there is no need to communicate." Now my dad had enough money to spend on leisure so their days are filled with activities, socializing and travelling around the world. My mom picked him at first because he's quiet, serious and conscientious. They use humor to cope with tension. My mom got over his coldness and they just got busy on their own.
Your boyfriend is introverted. It maybe a flaw in a romance relationship but it's not that big of a flaw in real life so he's not going to change. At work he has no choice but to talk. He's able to articulate himself in practical matters, but in the feelings department he's detached. Men are afraid to go into feelings because they don't want to look like a softy. Let him express all of himself in the bedroom. At least he's self assertive he's not going to let you make him feel bad about himself.
I think if you really need to talk, that's what girlfriends are for.
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