A
female
age
41-50,
*ealthitgirl
writes:My boyfriend of 6mo says he wants to slow down, however continues giving mixed signals. He tells me he just wants to slow down and think about things. He broke-up with his girlfriend after 3yrs and started dating me in July. He still says he has feelings for her (But also says he loved her but was not in love with her), but chose me and still needs time to sort through things. FYI-She is 5yrs older than him and I am 14yrs youger than him. Yet every once and a while he will call her. He has sole custody of his kids, likes his structure and schedule and she was content seeing him on the weekend and talking to him 5min a night and it was easy for him. I love him and want to talk to him daily and see him occasionally during the week in addition to a night on the weekend. We spent 8 days recently on vacation and it could not have been better. He says it was the best time of his life. He initiates telling me he is in love with me and even talks about the future with me. I have never initiated these conversations. But now after Christmas, all of a sudden he says he is having a wierd moment and needs space; then the next day is loving me and referring to himself as the weird boyfriend. This started last week and we even went away for the night Friday and again had an incredible time together. Today, he wants his space. I do not know what to do....I love him so much and waiting for his call is hurting my heart. Somebody help....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): He's still emotionally bonded with his ex. He's trying to conceptualize its entirety from beginning through the end. He wants to go forward but he's unprepared emotionally. Lots of confusion, hurt, pain, anger bottled up. Six months is much to short of a time frame to expect him to bond with the way that you'd like him to. Lexi and anonymous have given exceptional insight. Don't set your expectations to high. It's possible he and his ex might rekindle. Put your foot down and be his platonic friend and if you can't cope with just that disassociate and tell him why doing so is the better route for you.
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 He's still dealing with his feelings for her, his feelings about their relationship, their break-up and the what ifs. I don't think he's with you a 100% but he's trying so hard to convince himself and you that he is. That's why he's like a yo-yo.
He wants to move on (the future talk, the I love yous, the holidays) but his feelings are still messed up. As soon as you get back from vacation and back to 'reality' and the day to day, his old feelings re-surface and he becomes the 'weird' boyfriend.
I don't think you can do much here. You can't make his feelings for the past disappear. It all depends on him and how much he really wants to move on.
If you're brave enough and if you can risk putting what you have on the line, talk to him. Don't ask him what's wrong but tell him how all this is making you feel. Tell him that you feel like he's not over his last relationship and that it's hurting you that he can't give you a 100%.
I think that you deserve that 100% and at the moment you're not getting it. I don't mean to be negative, but you may never get a 100% with this man. Maybe you and him got together too soon after his long-term relationship broke down.
I honestly think that he's still on the rebound but having you there makes it easier. He's not alone when he needs company but he doesn't want to be with you when his old feelings resurface. This is not fair on you and although you can't change him you can change the way he treats you.
It's not about you and it's not your fault. But you do not deserve to be treated like this. You cannot sit around and walk on eggshells around him, hoping it will all work out.
I know it's impossible to do but if I was you I would talk to him as I mentioned above. After your talk you can tell him that he should take a week or two or whatever off from your relationship. No contact, no calls, no seeing each other. Tell him to take the time to figure out what he wants and only when he knows what he wants to contact you.
You need to get some power back! He's sitting on the fence and you're waiting for him to fall to your side. He and her have a longer history than you and him. She's more familiar to him and even though he's with you he's still calling her. With all these things in mind I'd be worried he'll fall to her side of the fence while you're still waiting.
Stop waiting and tell him to take the time to figure out who and what he wants. When he's sure, he can let you know.
All the best :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): I think you need to sit down and get him to explain why exactly he needs his space. It seems like it only happens after you go on vacation together. I think he might be feeling that on vacation you two get very close and he needs a bit of space to think. Make sure he knows that you will love him no matter what and that you want to know what's bothering him so you can try to help the situation.
Good luck to you!
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