A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in need of some advice. I feel as if I'm running around aimlessly, within my own head, in search of an answer...My boyfriend of 10 years has (what I believe to be) a serious porn problem. Currently, his collection consists of a couple hundred dvds which multiplies almost EVERY week. As you can see, the porn isn't close to being eliminated from our lives.Have I discussed my thoughts with him? Of course. Has anything changed? Nope.My boyfriend is a great guy. Amazing guy actually...sweet, generous, super affectionate, humble, completely selfless (well almost)-the list goes on and on.This is where I'm stumped. I honestly can't begin to fathom this extensive porn collection when on the outside he really is an awesome boyfriend. I realize I keep to myself more often than I should...so I totally understand why he would turn to porn...but the QUANTITY is baffling-to say the least. I have come to question his character and to me-that's huge. Total bummer to say the least. I'm completely and utterly confused. Advice? Thoughts? That would be great. Thanks.
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female
reader, notinthesane +, writes (21 July 2008):
 Hey. Okay so, to answer this question I am going to refer to my relationship. My boyfriend, like most men, likes porn. Do I mind? Of course not. It's natural and healthy and I know that he loves being with me, so it doesn't bother me. Now, in terms of quantity, how many times can you watch the same movie before you get bored of it? My boyfriend has a very nice collection as well and it's because of that reason. Your boyfriend most likely gets bored with what he has and what he's seen and buys a new movie, but doesn't throw away the old ones. I don't think that this should worry you, it's not a problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): Quantity gives him more choice, it's like having a collection of books, you don't want to read romance every day so you get some crime in too. As you say you've neglected him, so he has to do something with his time. Unless he is able to make love to you or it interfers with his life, work or social relationships and outside interests, your boyfriend has a porn hobby and he likes to pick and choose to suit his interests and current mood. Same as when women have a lot of shoes, or buy the same colour lipstick in different brands, or the same dress in different colours. No difference at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): Is it affecting your sex life, or your self esteem?
If it's the first - then you BOTH have a big problem. It's a problem if he's having less (or no) sex with you. If he masturbates all the time but never wants to have sex with you then he has a problem, that should be addressed. Maybe therapy would be an option, but if it persists, hard as it may, you'd have to find a new man.
If it's the latter - then YOU have a problem. It depends on how much it affects you. Do you feel undesirable, unsexy? Does he make you feel sexy? What is it exactly that bothers you about the porn? If it's a self image issue, and your sex life seems unaffected, then you have to work on it. Maybe he could cut down on it a little bit, but that's not the solution. I've struggled with self image concerns too, I still don't get over them, but I've come to realize they're entirely my own and that only I have the power to feel better. I have an amazing boyfriend who worships my body. Yet I feel insecure all the time! You have to realize that if your boyfriend thought you were undesirable, he wouldn't be with you. He chose you for a reason.
A lot of the time, partner sex is more about mental stimulation. Solo sex tends to be more about visual stimulation for men, they don't have a partner to interact with and their sexual imagination doesn't work the same as us women's do. They usually need the visual representation of a sex act, usually when they watch sexual acts it's more about the act itself than the women. If he's looking at naked women, maybe he wants to indulge in a little variety. It's a fact that us women just have to accept. But as long as he's attracted to you and craves sex with you, then I say you have to work on your self image.
Tell us more about the nature of the problem. It really depends if it's affecting your sex life or your self esteem.
Take care!
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