A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of nearly 3 years suffers from periods of mild depression. The first time this happened (that I was aware of) was about a year ago. He became really distant and stopped being interested in coming to see me or do anything with me which I found really upsetting. He eventually broke up with me and I was completely heartbroken as I didn't understand what had happened. A couple of months after we broke up he told me that he'd been feeling really low and had spoken to his doctor who gave him some leaflets to read etc and he was starting to feel a bit better and wanted to give us another chance. That was about a year ago and despite a couple of bumps we've been pretty fine since. The other day he told me (rather out of the blue and via a text message) that he was struggling again. It's been a couple of days since he told me this and despite me wanting/offering to go and see him he's shut himself off a bit and doesn't really want to talk about it. I don't know what to do because I know what happened when he was like this last which naturally scares me and I don't know how to help him when he's shutting himself off like this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2018): Your boyfriend needs space and time to heal. WiseOwlE is correct in saying to let him go. It is too much for him to care for himslef and you. Move on and take care of yourself. Subjecting yourself to his spells of distance and depression could lead to you being confused and feeling less than.
Explain that you want him to take care of himself and if he ever needs someone to talk to you, you will be there. Also indicate that you are going to move on and take care of your needs as well, so that neither one of you expect to be romantically involved with each other anymore. Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2018): You're very young and this just might be more than you can handle. Nothing much short of professional care and medication will do him much good.
He needs to be allowed to deal with his issues and see his doctor when necessary. It's not just sadness, it's much more complicated. You can't simply cheer him up; and when he shuts-down, trying to force him out of it will become challenging and very frustrating for you.
We get frequent letters from young people trying to maintain relationships with people dealing with depression and mental-illness. Often he will not be himself; and when he's suffering an episode, he just wants to be alone. You need and deserve more and better than that.
He really needs his time to heal and recover; because he's got to be able to work and take care of himself. Those challenges are more than enough, so he avoids you. Meeting your needs for affection, conversation, and intimacy are beyond his capabilities; and seeing your frustration and unhappiness only makes things worse.
It may be like this on and off for the rest of his life. Depending on the severity of his illness. So it might be better for you to let go and move on. Pressuring him isn't helping him to get better. Your fears and anxiety force him into deeper depression for not being able to be there for you. For now, he's just not up to it. How long for him to recover? Nobody knows.
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