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female
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*obbyjo
writes:My boyfriend recently lost his brother to suicide 6 weeks ago. For the first 4 weeks I tried to support him and his family as much as I could. Then 2 weeks ago he turned and started to blame me for what happened and told me he wished I was dead. He split up with me too. We have a baby son together and I also have a 7 year old from a previous relationship who my boyfriend (or now ex) has been amazing with and has built up a steady relationship with.Although devastated I understood he was grieving and I know that people do and say funny things in grief. But today he rang me sayIng he wanted to come over to see his son but asked if me and my 6 year old could go out and not be present. I asked why and he said because we aren't together and my 7 year old is nothing to do with him anymore. This broke my heart and I was so schocked and disgusted that I hung up. I understand he doesn't wanna see me but why be like that to a little boy who looks to him like a father. I'm heartbroken for my son. I text my ex and said from now on I'm not having anything to do with him, that I've tried so hard to support and love him and his family and I've got nothing back in return but hate and abuse and blame. I can't take it anymore. I know he's grieving but the way he's treating me is breaking my heart and now it seems he wants to try and be cruel to my poor son who has done nothing. I know I will have to let him see our baby, so I can't ignore him forever but I really don't want anything to do with him he's torn me apart. Please tell me I've done the right thing? I can't keep trying to love and support someone who's being like this to me? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm 32 and he's 35.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): I'd request advice from social services and ask whether they, or perhaps a local advocacy service, could provide a safe space for supervised visits that aren't in your home but in one of their buildings. Explain that your ex has been very spiteful and vindictive and the circumstances that his brother has committed suicide, because of this it doesn't seem like he is not emotionally stable enough for you to trust him to visit alone or be in contact with yourself - especially since he has said some nasty things to you.
This isn't steps to take to hurt your ex, but you have to think of the safety of yourself and the baby. By having a third party supervise his visit you aren't getting involved, and arguments can't start, he still gets to see his child and you know your child is safe. Social services are extremely stretched all over the country, but calling and asking for advice should mean they can help or refer you to an independent service or charity that can help of they can't.
Grief does unpredictable things to people and he will be experiencing a lot of hurt. But your priority is your children and yourself, you've done all you can to support him but he has to work through the pain he's experiencing. I hope him and his family accept any help, and maybe by you organising supervised child visits, the person supervising might recommend and convince your ex to see a counsellor - so good things could come out of it.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 July 2017):
 Suicide is a particularly painful way to lose someone close because there is always a significant element of guilt involved in the grieving process, more so than with most other deaths. There is always the feeling that, if you had done this or that, you may have stopped the dead person doing what they did. Your boyfriend seems to be projecting this grieving phase onto you for some reason. Was there some sort of history between you and the dead brother? Did you stop your ex seeing him? Is this why he is now blaming you for his brother's death?
Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, your priority as a mother needs to be to protect your children as much as possible. Taking your own hurt out of the equation for a minute, do you, hand on heart, believe your ex is stable enough to have unsupervised access to his son? If not, then you must do all you can to ensure it does not happen.
PLEASE don't use your son as a weapon to hurt your ex. That is not fair on your son. In an ideal world, he would have both his parents, and his older brother, together in a happy family unit. As this is not possible at the moment, you need to consider what is best for him out of available options. Is it best he sees his dad if he is bitter and angry? Could he hide this from his child? Or would it be better if things were left to calm down, until your ex is more himself, before he has access to him? These decisions need to be made dispassionately and with only the best interest of the child at heart, not as "pay back" for the hurt YOU feel. You must handle your pain to protect your children.
As for the older son, while it would be lovely if your ex carried on being a father figure to him, he really has no obligation to do this. It's very sad for your son but he will get over it if you explain to him that your ex is unwell at the moment and suffering a lot following the loss of his brother. Explain to him that it is nothing HE has done (children often blame themselves) but that your ex has too much on his plate at the moment to be able to see him. Spend extra alone time with him so that he feels special. Get him to help with the care of his baby brother. Involve him in as much as you can to help him over his loss.
Sending you hugs because you are going through a difficult time. Concentrate on getting yourself and your children through this dreadful time, with lots of love and support. And try to be kind to your ex, as much as is possible. He is hurting so much that he is lashing out at those closest to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): Just deny him his request outright. Your bloke is not being reasonable.He is under the influence of grief and lashing out like a demented beast.Six weeks into grief isnt long enough.Personally I wouldnt leave the baby anywhere near his family.I would contact social services and explain that you need a contact centre to conduct these formalities and to be honest you and your older lad could also be part of the visit!You dont need a double suicide on your hands so hold your corner, get help and stick to your previous reality. The whole cutting you off and cutting off contact and demanding to see the son alone sounds more like the action of a madman than a rational grieving brother so get help from social services and dont walk down a madmans path!
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (29 July 2017):
 Losing a brother like this can be very hard and bring strange things out in people, they lash out at someone, I have a friend from Scotland that has been through the same and it turned him into a sad bitter man that sees himself as having the right too say the hardest of things to people that he sees as been weak for not dealing with smaller things in their own life, As the other two aunts said he has no right to your house, and do not let him in best to arrange that he gets time with his son somewhere else, you will need to get legal advice on how to do this, he seems to not be looking for equal grade yet, and he and his family might push for all they can as they might want to replace the other member of the family, your child of seven knows that this man that was like a father to him is now out of his life and is best away from him, and if his dad is still around and you have some type shared guard with him it will make things much easier for him,Good for you the way you are dealing with this situation that was none of your making, You have some experience with a breakup but this will be much different as you're dealing with people,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): When adults are misbehaving, hostile, or displaying erratic behavior; regardless of the reasons, it's best to protect children from them. In your case, the older child will be very much confused; because both adults are behaving strangely. So your mission is to protect him.
Seven year-old children have very inquisitive minds, they are also at an age that they can discern personalities and moods. Kids that age are also impressionable and will sometimes act-out when they feel too pressured or intimidated. Try not to fight in-front of either of them.
You and your boyfriend are subjecting these children to too much drama all at once. He's talking and acting like a goon; and you're force to show your distress and bewilderment. Try to persuade your boyfriend to at least try to be civil around the kids. He doesn't want your support, so stop trying to push it on him. Give him all the space he needs.
On top of appearing angry and dramatic, neither of you are sparing the children all this tension. They can't handle seeing you buckling or falling apart. So stifle your tears and contain your emotions. Cry when they're tucked away in-bed.
If you can't be strong. Fake it!!! Don't try to over-explain your boyfriend's behavior. All your son needs to know is that he is upset; because he lost his brother.
I recommend that he sees his son in a designated spot; possibly at his parent's house. They can control his behavior better than you can. No explanation will really make the seven year-old understand. He will go by what he sees and how he's treated. You can take him to the movies or setup a play-date with his friends or cousins.
Does your boyfriend abuse alcohol or drugs? Grief can depress you and it can also make you angry. He's acting like a total dick! There's probably a lot more to this than you are able to tell, my dear.
If it takes drastic measures to protect your children; then do whatever is necessary. If he needs grief counseling and anger-management; I think you have sufficient justification to give him an ultimatum that might involve law enforcement.
He has a right to see his baby, he does not have a right to intimidate you, or mistreat your son! Grief doesn't justify abuse or cruelty.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 July 2017):
 I think the BEST thing you can do is find a 3rd party to use as a pickup/drop off point for your shared son. So YOU don't have to see this guy or deal with him.
I would also NOT be keen on letting him have the shared son if he is in such an unstable mental situation. If the baby you share is a little one I might even consider asking for supervised visits and NOT in your home. He has dumped you and has NO rights to your house no more.
As for your 7-year-old. KEEP him out of it as much as you can. It's really your ex's right to NOT want to spend time with your 7-year-old, no matter how callous that seems. And maybe it's also BETTER for your 7-year-old to not be around this guy if he can switch from being a caring partner and father figure to a total ass waffle.
Why on Earth is he blaming you?
Is that because he wants someone to blame and it's easier to blame you?
I'm sorry.
Maybe it would be a good idea to sign your 7-year-old up for a sport or activity (soccer or whatever he is into so he is busy and perhaps won't notice the leaving of this guy TOO much - unfortunately, it will be hard and I suggest you talk to your son if he asks questions but don't go into details and don't make your son feel like it's his fault.)
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