A
female
age
36-40,
*nongrl
writes:Hi,Just wanted to see what other people say about this: I seem to meet guys, two now that I'd really fallen for, one I dated for a few months last year but had to leave the relationship for various reasons, but the one of the biggest reasons is the other person in the relationship constanlty talking about gorgeous other stunning, beautiful women the whole time. I had this problem in the past and I'm having this problem again, where the relationship is relatively good, but now my new boyfriend is doing the same thing, constantly talking about gorgeous other women.Basically this has made me feel so hurt and insecure and as if I am not good enough for these partners, admittedly these guys I've been with are nearly 20-30 my senior.I just would love to hear what other people have to say about this. I persoanlly find it so upsetting and hurtful, of course it is healthy to find other people attractive, it's only natural, but to be constanlty talking about other people, is it ok? Or am I just being jealous and ridiculous?Surely if someone really cares for you, they wouldn't do this, especially when they know it upsets you and when they know you are very insecure and unhappy with your life?Maybe I'm just being stupid, thanks for reading!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): Seriously, some men are way to worried about the way women look. There was a similar question on here a while ago and I will tell you
The same thing I told that writer
Ask him what he admires in women?
Who are his women Heroes? What amazing things does he see wen
Achieving on a daily basis and in the world?
Women he respects ?
It will be interesting to see if he is able to talk
About the important qualities in a woman or simply her physical attributes
It
Would disturb me greatly to be with a man who only saw women as a series of body parts or their appearance .
I think his answers will be very telling and may also
Make him aware that he doesn't look at women as complete and complex people but rather , just bodies
A
female
reader, Anongrl +, writes (20 July 2015):
Anongrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the really lovely replies, I feel less of a crazy person now! Thanks xBasically atm I'm incredibly hurt and fragile as, I told him, by text only because he is away working, that his behaviour has really upset me, and the straw that broke the camel's back was when he text me the night before and made a comment about a relative of mine, it was nothing lewd or anything, but I just found it incredibly hurtful, there was one or two texts since, but he basically has made no contact with me at all. I am so upset and deeply hurt by this.He is different than any other person I've met because he's only ever been with one woman for most of his life and that was his ex-wife, which the marraige ended a few years ago and he has not dated any woman since. Basically he has only ever been with his ex-wife, ever! So I suppose you could say he does not have expericence in the dating scene or does not know relationship etiquette, but I'm trying my best to be as caring, supportive and understanding as I can be. But I think it's basic human curtesy and common sense to know when you're hurting someone. What I don't get is that he does seem to have feelings for me and treats me ok for his experience but then he goes and does this?My dad is in the picture, all the time, he's really good to me, so I don't know if it's a dad complex thing. I've always liked older guys for as long as I can remember, I think it's really just pure insecurity of myself.Anyways, thanks ever so much for the lovely replies again, I really appreciate it, I don't feel like crying as many buckets of tears anymore! x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): I put up with this with a man two years older than me for almost 4 years. He rarely complimented me and would break his neck to check out other women. Two years free from him I see what he was doing.. trying to make me feel bad about myself so I would think nobody else would ever want me and would never leave him. He also made snarky comments about my body. But it backfired. He STILL begs me to give him another chance, but this type of man is not worth it. I recommend you leave him and work on loving yourself above all else, then you will attract one of life's good guys!
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A
male
reader, IanHenryCooper +, writes (19 July 2015):
 Ugh! Have these men no sense of how to behave towards women? I would have expected that along with age came wisdom, but clearly not.Men are visual creatures, yes - nature designed us that way and ladies do exploit that fact - but it behoves your partner not to make it obvious that he is looking at other women, let alone pass comments about their beauty.I am lucky with my lady in that she accepts that I will look and doesn't mind - it's more honest than pretending not to look and/or trying to cover it up, usually unsuccessfully!However, I do not pass comment on anyone's appearance, unless she does so first, and even then in low-key.BUT, I always make sure that my lady is THE ONE for me, top of the heap, accept no substitute, love of my life.Maybe I get away with looking because I teach Photography - portraiture, mainly - and therefore have a professional excuse? Yeah, I know - ^^^^^^t!To get a bit nearer to answering your question, I think that you have been very unlucky in your choice of boyfriends and it is not a reflection on you at all, but definitely a black mark against them.Whilst there is nothing wrong with dating older, especially if that is your preference, might I suggest either opting for someone nearer your own age, or an older man with a functioning brain?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): "Surely if someone really cares for you, they wouldn't do this, especially when they know it upsets you and when they know you are very insecure and unhappy with your life?"You've answered your own question.Not excusing their boorish behavior, but as a guy 20-30 years your senior I can tell you that it's not a reflection on you. Most older guys who date younger women do so to assuage their own insecurities about being seen as less attractive and less virile as they get older. In most such relationships, each party is looking to fill voids in their lives; the guys are almost always looking to reclaim their lost youth, and the women usually have daddy issues and are seeking the attention and affection from older men that they lacked growing up.Is/was your bio-father in the picture?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2015):
 It's not a coincidence that both men are much older than you. Maybe you gravitate towards them because you felt older men could bring you more security?
I agree with you that what they did was disrespectful and hurtful. They are old and insecure themselves, so they date young women like you to show the world they still got it. They comment on beautiful women to make you insecure, so your self esteem remains low you won't think about leaving them, thinking you deserve no one better.
You should't have made him your boyfriend. Just because you've had experience with this, doesn't mean you have to accept it and settle with them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2015):
It's not a coincidence that both men are much older than you. Maybe you gravitate towards them because you felt older men could bring you more security?
I agree with you that what they did was disrespectful and hurtful. They are old and insecure themselves, so they date young women like you to show the world they still got it. They comment on beautiful women to make you insecure, so your self esteem remains low you won't think about leaving them, thinking you deserve no one better.
You should't have made him your boyfriend. Just because you've had experience with this, doesn't mean you have to accept it and settle with them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): I've dated those type of men. I once dated a man who openly flirted and tried to pick up other women while on a date with me.
I think if you discussed how his constant remarks about other women make you feel, and he continues to do it, I would end the relationship. You're not wrong for wanting to feel desired and secure in a relationship.
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