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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a 25 year old female and currently dating a 26 year old man. I care about him very much and we get along very well. The main problem is that he is best-friends with his ex-girlfriend. Although they broke up a year ago, they were intimate right before he and I got together which was four months ago. We have already broken up because I felt like I couldn't deal with this situation.He tells me that they are just friends, but he has given me no reason to believe it. Early in our relationship, he did many favors for her and is always there for her. He is also the godfather to her son, which makes the situation even stickier! They have been friends since the 7th grade, but have been intimate for many years...off and on. They have even cheated on their past boy/girlfriends. All of this information makes me feel very uncomfortable! He says that he wants to be with me and that they are just friends, but I really don't know what to do.I want to be with him, but I just don't trust him with her. What can I do to build trust with him? Or is this a lost cause? Any answer will help.
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female
reader, capricorn7  +, writes (13 September 2012):
My partner of 18 mths and I broke up due to his level of contact with his ex , by his own admittance, his best and only friend aside from me .They have been totally committed to each other for the last ten years since their break up and are in contact almost daily - (no kids involved). I am devastated as we had planned a future together but always felt uncomfortable with the situation, it was making me feel very unsettled within myself. She has a partner who seemed fine with it , my ex was still doing jobs round her house right up until we split. She despised me as she thought I was trying to destroy their friendship which I can assure you I wasn't but it created disharmony within our relationship, it was the only thing we ever argued about. After I sent her a card recently suggesting we start afresh and try and be friends she told my ex that ' I'd won ' ( I never realised it was a competition ) and that their friendship was over. My ex went round to 'repair ' their friendship and consequently destroyed ours by doing so ...... I'm so heartbroken although I instigated the break up as I felt he wasn't considering my feelings , only hers, and it caused me to hurt , daily . Please if anyone can advise me how to move on I would be so grateful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): The post by "A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007)" You took the words right out of my mouth! My BF maintains that his ex who was a long term partner is 'just a friend', when it is obvious to a blind man that she's not. We've had the big talk and he now knows the true depth of my feelings about this. Now I'll have to wait and see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): I also am going through the same thing in a way. Right after my boyfriend and his ex broke up we started dating, he still liked her and i was pretty much a rebound, so we broke it off and took some time away from eachother. When he realized he was ready he came back and we started dating again. His ex was not in his life for a good 2 months and our relationship was perfect. The second that she came back into his life, everything went downhill in our relationship. He started lying to me about hanging out with her and i didnt know how to handle that. He ended up breaking up with me and we did not talk for a month. We are back together now because we have classes together in school and still had feelings for eachother once the new school year started, but his ex or as he calls her "best friend" is still in his life and will tell him she loves him and calls him all the time and its just annoying. The most annoying thing is that he will drop everything to be with her. If she calls and tells him to do something he will leave me to go be with her for whatever the reason may be. It makes me feel like i am put second to her, and its not right. She is dating one of my boyfriends friends, so they are both taken but it still amazes me how close they are, and how he knows it hurts me but does nothing about it, its hard, i know i didnt help at all, but i wanted to get my story out there as well, it feels good to know that im not the only one that has to go through this bs
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male
reader, dscjocdoc  +, writes (6 June 2010):
Well it's been nearly four years since this post was added, but i am replying to it now because the situation appears to be timeless, regardless of who faces it and when.
i am for the first time in my life struggling through this exact same situtation, although miine seems to be actually a bit worse. it is all very new, unfamiliar and very very scary to me.
my boyfriend is still VERY close to his ex. as we started to date each other more seriously i saw them french kiss, and the are very touchy feely, and the greet one another with kisses on the cheek at least.
i read one reply concerning how the ex treated the boyfriend when they were together. this is similar to my situation. my boyfriend's ex cheated on him, and that is why they spit.
however, years later they maintain a very close friendship, that is very flirtatious.
my boyfriend and i have been together now nearly 3 months, but we have known each other almost 9 months. his ex is there at every turn, phone calls, etc...
i am sad to report, that my boyfriend, and his ex spent the weekend in a different country, not quite as a vacation, but they went to the wedding of a friend. i was not invited. they are they 3 days, and it is hard to imagine that they will not be physically close, whatever this means.
before they left i asked if they would sleep in the same bed, because the wedding was in the country at the couples' home, and he said he did not know, and did not care if they would be in the same bed. this hurt me so bad, and it hurts that he cannot see the pain.
in any case he asked for my trust, but again from a previous post, it is not so much about sexual contact with the ex, but the emotional bind they have together, that i feel could prevent us from reaching our potential as a new relationship.
it simply hurts. the ex is single, and appears to be moderately needy. i appear jealous, but when we first started dating and i saw them kiss, i have been unsuccessful at getting this event out of my mind. my boyfriend say that it was meaningless, and that that was when we were not officially a couple.
fine, but i told him this was not the question and the question is in fact if he is still in love with his ex (which has nothing to do with sexual contact), because when u love someone romantically, sexual contact is independent of that type of love. HOWEVER, it still means there is little to no room for the new relationship to flourish.
this is not about physicality. my boyfriend and i spend the vast majority of our time together, so he and is ex simply would not have time to carry on a sexual/physical relationship.
it is about the emotional attention, and that is the thing that hurts, i believe, more than any physical contact. moreover, it causes the sexual/physical contact i have with him, to be less fulfilling, because i think his romantic love is placed at least partiallyl with his ex.
he is indifferent to my feelings concerning contact. i will not give him an ultimatum. but i will need to address the physical contact he has with his ex again, because it is VERY loose. very loose. i simply will be unable to tolerate him being in the same bed or sleeping situation with his ex, and i do not know where he slept on this trip to see their common friend get married. they stayed in the same house. he said he has no problems cuddling with friends and exes and that is simply out of the question for me.
i did not make this clear when we got back together because we broke up for a week, when he told me he was going to a different country with his ex. i lost my mind momentarily because he had just returned from a week long vacation with another friend of his, not an ex, but someone he had been intimate with several times.
as an aside, i am VERY curious about the zodiac signs of the people who are maintaining the friendships with the exes...
as i said, i am struggling to no end to figure out how i feel exactly about this.
the trip he has taken with him simply saddened me. more often than not, i just feel plain annoyed by the closeness. i do not want him to choose between his ex and myself, BUT i do need feel like the emotional closeness of their relationship hinders the potential emotional growth of our current relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I am currently in a similar situation my new found Love of my life wants to continue to be friends with his ex who has been pure evil to him and never really loved or cared about him. I not understand why he feels he needs to continue the relationship. I can only say if he don't respect your feelings then you must be willing to walk away. A very wise lady once told me "We teach people how to treat us." and when you allow it once then they learn it was ok the first time so they will do it again so teach them it not right. If he dont respect your feelings then he never will respect you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): honestly? I reckon it's a lost cause i'm sorry. I'm kinda in the same situation and it just causes too much stress and makes me feel so insecure. It makes me want to change for him n act more like her and it's just pathetic i'm not doing that! She's asked if there would be any chance of them getting back together... whilst i'm with him!
All this is not good 4 u! Stop thinking of him and her and start thinking of you. He's not the only guy out there, there's plenty more, sounds horrible to say as i'm in ur situation but seriously get out of the relationship it's not right! Let some other poor girl deal with it and go find a better guy! xx meanwhile spend lots of time with your friends and family xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): Personally, I think there is already something strange going on when your boyfriend claims that another female - one other than you - is his 'best' friend. If his partner, the woman who he loves and adores, is not his best female friend, then you should ditch him. The idea of being friends with an ex is fine as long as both partners in a relationship are ok with it; however, I think it is rarely realistic for past lovers to be 'just' friends. It is simply not possible to erase an intimate past, no matter what people say. There is a history that will always link them, whether the romantic ties have been severed or not. It seems very disrespectful of both your boyfriend and his ex to be spending so much close time together; I would say he is the worse culprit here, as being the one in a relationship he should take responsibility and care not to hurt your feelings (as long as they are reasonable, and they seem to be). The fact that he has cheated on you with her in the past is alarming, and the fact that he has the cheek to continue being friends with her after that is incredible. Have to be honest - sounds like you deserve better!
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female
reader, Brog +, writes (6 May 2009):
My Boyfriend's best friend is the most needy person you could ever meet. When we are together she constantly texts him and she is allways third wheelin around after us. they were together for a few years and he jumped straight from her to me so obviously them remaining mates was a recipe for disaster as they had no time to really get over it. So inevitably he has cheated on me with her, which tbh i saw coming. We broke up over it but we got back together on account he stopped seeing her so much and NEVER alone. however i know she allways messages him still and i think he still sees her. i love my boyfriend so much but i cant handle her being there whatsoever so i know how you feel. Whatever you do though do not give your partner an ultmatum.. that never turns out well. Just talk about it and say look i respect the fact you are friends but if it ever gets any more than that im off. and friends can be close, but there IS a line and it can be crossed way too easily when there is chemistry... i hate this situation so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Keeping your ex in your life while you're in another relationship is the most selfish thing anyone could ever do. I can say this because I've been the ex whose been kept in my ex-girlfriend's life. It took me years to figure out that my availability to my ex(es) is what was holding me back in relationships going forward. One in particular had me as part of her wedding party, insisted that I go out with her kids, and went so far to ask me to be her childrens' godfather (which I declined).So I personally made the decision to not be as available to her in the past so I could move on and focus on my own relationships. This was a few years ago but to this day she still calls me upset that I haven't "checked in with her" and what not. We actually hadn't talked in years but she came to my Mom's funeral and somehow got my number and started contacting me again. At first, I was very friendly about it but recently she's been calling upset because I haven't "checked up on her".The thing is... she made a choice not to be with me and marry someone else. That's what she wanted. It's not my job to be constantly checking up on her. That's her husband's job. And quite Frankly, if my wife were focused on another man like my ex is on me, she'd be out. Period.You are right not to want this other person in your boyfriend's life because it's not fair to you. Both of them are being selfish and disrespectful. If he's not willing to give her up, you should walk and find someone who is going to make you the priority.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): I'm in the same situation. My girlfriend is best friends with her ex....and she cheated on me with him. God knows how many times. He lives in another state. Not too long from where he lives about 3 hours away. They have been together for like 3 years. When she cheated on me, we were together for 2 months. I forgave her and she went to see him again and told me to leave her alone. I felt sooo hurt. Then she came back to me when things went wrong down there with his aunt, saying she was smoking crack (Which she did for the first time, and is not doing it anymore) I really loved her. We've been together for 10 months now and we are having a child together....I really hope its mines, because i found a note she wrote saying she was going to have his child one day. The date calculates that its mine, but i dont know if she did anything before than or after. We dont live together. She says she loves me but i dont believe her because shes been saying that when she cheated on me. She still keep communatating with him and I don't like that. I feel sometimes that i dont even want to talk to her....I'm always silent on the phone and everything. I'm suffering emotionally. She won't stop communcating to him for nothing even if it hurts our relationship. I think she loves him more than me. Now hes the god father of our unborn child....I'm not having that I'm going to talk to her about that. Everytimes I talk to her about this dude she always wants to argue. I think shes still inlove with him, but doesn't want to admit it. I really don't know what to do I feel like crap. can someone please give me some advice? by the way shes 19 and im 21 and her ex is turning 18.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): You should be his best friend .Period! You should be the one to lend emotional support. What the heck does he need her for? Tell her to get the hell out of your relationship .It's getting too crowded in here!Any one that has an ex as (a best friend) is an emotional batterer and insensitive to your feelings. Personaly I could care less to stay friends with an ex. It is just not fair to the new person in the relationship.
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female
reader, HeatherMcLovin  +, writes (18 September 2008):
 Well...I see all the answers here, and I have to say, I agree with the males. I see many answers that say they relate, because their significant other is best friends with their ex. Well, I'm on the other side of the debate here. I AM the ex... We have been apart for a few months, and initially, he chose me over her. Meaning he had feelings for the both of us, but chose to be with me. We had been best friends for about 8 months already, so we were very close, and we are much closer now than we have ever been. I feel terrible for telling you how much in love with him I am, and I feel even more terrible for telling you that he feels the same... but about both of us. (Me, and his girlfriend). Recently, I told him to be with her for as long as he can, because I know that they make each other happy. In doing so, I feel I am sacrificing my own happiness for them. But that's what love is, right? Anyways, I guess what I'm telling you is that there is the slightest chance that they may have feelings for each other. Then again, perhaps NOT. The point is, I know from being in this situation, that IF they even do have the tiniest feelings for each other, they will most certainly not act on it. I am telling you to stay with him and disregard any mention of his ex. I know my answer may not help at all, but the point is, YOU are the one who is with him. And there is a reason for that, so don't take it for granted, when you are clearly far more luckier than she is. Be HAPPY, please, savor every moment. It's what I would do...
Best of luck.
Sincerely, Heather
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male
reader, kolibri +, writes (16 May 2008):
My current girlfriend also is quite close to her ex and says that they will always be best friends. However, when she starts to with draw from me and seeks advice from him on issues concerning her and myself I start to feel uncomfortable. In addition, I know where he lives but she has never pointed him out to me. She goes to his house, to just sit and chat, visit with his mom, doing Bible studies, singing religious songs,forever drops off things at his house,etc. They call each other almost daily and at all hours of the day and night. Add to that e-mails and it gets to be a bit much. In the beginning she acted quite secretive and thus increased my level of suspicion. While she now tells me when and where she is going that doesn't ease my mind. when private times with her are interrupted by calls, some even initiated by her, I feel I have to set some boundaries. Currently, she has hinted that she needs to " find her way back to God" and that she can only do that if she is all alone?? I am a man of faith myself and would certainly not stay in the way of God and man. However, after three years of financial support and presenting her with a relationship that is not abusive and caring, I wonder whether that is the real or only reason. She will not entertain any offer of support or suggestions tohelp her get through this. Sometimes I wonder whether she has ever forgiven herself for her past digression and now thinks she must fail in the future. In answer to your question: Don't deny him the friendship, but do set boundaries. A relationship that is influenced by discomfort can fester into something more serious. An emotional affair is still an affair and must be dealt with immediately. Ahhh, and there I have an answer to my own dilemma.
All the best to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): I am in this situation currently...I have realised that he is not going to give his ex up for anything, especially since his current circle of close friends he met through her -so it is difficult for him to separate her from his life (even though he never would given the choice) I found that the ex-factor bothered me more and more the less attention he gives me....some guy posted that he can't simply forget that closeness he has/had with his ex but he fails to realise by always acknowledging that closeness and allowing that to be the reason to maintain contact with your ex is why your current relationship suffers...how do you ever expect to get to a level of intimacy and closeness (that could possibly surpass your previous relationship) when you already on the onset maintain a relationship with a significant former love???
My BF says he refuses to budge on the issue and claims to be the only guy who is actually legitimately trustworthy and that i have nothing to worry about...He doesn't understand that I am not worried about him cheating - i am worried about how our relationship can ever become amazing and reach a new level with a significant past love in the future???
Why don't you guys get that???? Do you think its fair that we should be subject to this mental torture??? If you truly love us and want us to feel secure and we are the 'one' then why can you not let the past go inorder to grow your future??? It will NEVER evolve when there are two women - History is hard to compete with...my BF and I are gonna have a big talk this friday...we are very serious and are considering marriage but why should my future have to include HIS ex??? why should my kids have to call his past love 'auntie'???
If you love your current girlfriend than really commit ALL of yourself to her..and i beg you -let your past go...it cannot help foster a strong relationship period
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): You have to know your values and what is acceptable to you and then stick with it. And, if you cannot tolerate a situation, get OUT of it. Personally, after having a relationship just demolished over a period of 7 years by former boyfriend's ex I wouldn't tolerate 5 minutes of it if I had to do it over again. Anyone ever heard the term "emotional affair" He told me that he loved his ex like a "dear friend of 20 years" I cannot even do justice to the special kind of hell on earth I lived in as she flirted with him and they did things together and he lived out his enthrallment. But because they had grown kids together I was supposed to understand that sometimes that meant they went out together behind my back, and went shopping together and met with other friends together, but oh, well, if you have grown children together anything goes.
Frankly, if I ever get involved with someone, and it is unlikely because after this piece of work I love being free and single, it is going to be with a man who doesn't even have any women friends and if he has ex's he is just indifferent to them.
I don't get those women who are "best friends" with someone else's husband or boyfriend. I would NEVER do that to another woman. But then, it takes all kinds there are some men and women who are perfectly happy with that kind of arrangement. But, if you are a woman, who cannot handle a man who is best friends with an ex, run, do not walk to get out of there because I promise you those things end badly. Check out "emotional affair."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): I have recently delt with this same situation...coming to the conclusion that...you must face yourself and your own fears FIRST. Is it really the ex-girlfriend that is bothering...or is it the fear that he may be unfaithful, leave you for her, compare you to her, etc...You have to trust that he loves you and that he would never do anything to hurt you. Once you are able to do that, you fear with 'slowly' go away. Of course you will have moments where you have a break down and blow up about it (like all women)...but if you are a strong couple, you will overcome this and soon become comfortable with the fact that they are friends. In my situation, in the beginning, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want him contacting the ex AT ALL...Period. And he did...but then I found myself feeling guilty for pressuring him to make that decision. In the end, I ended up email the ex...explaining to her that I was the reason he was not responding to any of her calls or emails...and that I was sorry for that. I expressed to her that I felt friendship was one of the most important things in life and I wouldn't want to take that away from either of them. Of course, I also expressed how In LOVE he and I are...and that she could never come between us...but I did all of this in a very mature and polite manner. And I feel so much better having expressed all of that to her. (and Yes, my boyfriend knew that I was sending the email...in fact, I let him proof it for me.) To this day, she has not responded to my email, nor has she called or attempted to email "MY MAN" ...so I take it she got the F-n point! Now, I wouldn't care if she did call. Cause I know where my boyfriends heart is...and that is with me! If she does come back into the picture one day...I will greet her with a smile and treat her like I would treat any of his friends, with respect. Good luck to you! I would recommend that if you have the chance that you just talk to her...nicely. And accept her as your friend too. You relationship will thank you and he will love and respect you even more!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Hi
I can really relate to your story. I don't have a magic answer for you because I am struggling to find one myself. My boyfriend's ex is his best friend and he is godfather to her daughter, so she is always going to be in his life. To top that, they are both Spanish and I am English, so when they get together, and in front of me, they speak in their mother tongue, even though they can both speak English....very rude !!!
The day after i met him, he introduced me to her. i suppose i should take some comfort that he didn't pretend I never existed, but I felt he wanted approval from her.
We too split up over this, and the problem has reared its ugly head many times. I don't feel they are having a sexual affair, but I do hate the emotional closeness they have and feel he should have moved on long ago because she had an affair on him when they were together. Why would you still want to be friends with someone like that ??
I have to see my ex husband because i have children with him, but i don't expect my boyfriend to socialise with him.
At the end of the day I have to accept that he has chosen to spend time with me, I will have to trust him if i want it to work, and he needs to be more honest with me, BUT there are still niggles and it hurts. He even sees her on her birthday and she invites him over on his......and he hates ME making a fuss myself on his birthday.......alarm bells ringing, or just an insensitive man ???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Hi, i was in a similar situation at the moment. My boyfriend used me then left me for his ex. Then when she dumped i, like an idiot, took him back. He used to get drunk and tell me he had never met anyone like her, and that she was 'the one.' I hated him going out because there were rumours he was seeing her. He told me he loved me but obviously not. Trust me, you cannot get it out of your head. I love this man but i left him because he will never feel the same about me. Do yourself a favour and find someone who really loves you. Trust me, it will keep you sane.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): I have been in this same situation with my boyfriend. He was with his ex fiance, turned friend, the week that we met. He insists that they were "friends with benefits" but I found that hard to believe. He said that they were only engaged for a couple of months about a year and a half ago and stayed together for more of a companionship (they were both in difficult times in their lives). I found it hard to stay, yet we were together for three months when I found this out and I already cared for him. Now it is six months in and we have gone through a lot of talking and working through it. He is a great guy and I trust that he loves me very much. It took me awhile to have faith in him, but that is what it comes down to. She is an ex for a reason, and sometimes people are intimate with their exes because it is comfortable and safe. In this case you have to be strong enough to handle it and think about this: There are many women out there that he hasn't already decided wouldn't work for him.. do you worry about those women? However, I would discuss the amount of contact and come to a compromise. I would make sure that there is no inappropriate behavior such as visiting each others home alone or other situations that could lead to problems. You must allow the friendship, yet not let any women disrespect you and your relationship by contacting him whenever she feels the need. He needs to understand that you will always see her as the ex, while you also have to understand that he will always see her as a friend. Also, make sure their relationship is out in the open. If he feels the need to hide things about her then he knows what he is doing is wrong. Be confident in yourself and in your relationship and make it known that you are the women in his life. I am very happy that I regained my confidence and faith in our relationship! I hope that my experience and thoughts help you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): I don't know if I would be friends with him. Definitely cordial though.
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male
reader, ogga +, writes (10 October 2006):
this sounds like me and my ex, we are the best of friends now an dhave been for about a year since we split up, but i would never cheat on my girlfriend with her no matter how much i felt for my ex beforehand, you have to take a leap of faith on how much he likes you no matter how much he liked her, honestly there is most lkely nothing going on or nothing going to happen so stop fretting until he starts staying over at her house for a weekend. it is weird how much mys story is like your because i also have been intimate with my ex before i was with my girlfriend and have had the chance to cheat on her but i wouldnt do it because i love her, ou have to trust he does the same, and if he does leave you for her then he was never worth it anyway
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reader, David Lewis +, writes (10 October 2006):
 I think staying friends with an ex can be one of the most difficult things to do. I have gone through some difficult times with my ex and am now engaged to somebody else. My fiancee is always jealous of my ex and thinks I might cheat on her. I never would. But the connection and respect for my ex is still there. I won't turn my back on her.
You must try to understand that he has known his ex for years and always had the closeness with her, BUT, he is with you now through his own choice. It is YOU he loves.
The fact that he is best friends with his ex shows that he is a very nice, respectable guy.
If you both finished, would you like to remain frinds with him, or would you prefer it if he completely cut you off?
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