A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have a problem with my boyfriend and I don't know what to do about it.We've been together for 3 months and I absolutely love him - he's kind, attentive, loyal and loving and we get on really well. He's become my best friend.The problem is that I'm not sure if I fancy him. In the 3 months we've been together I've actively wanted to have sex with him once. The rest of the time, I've done so grudgingly (although I haven't always let him know that).He's a good-looking guy and in many respects he's good in bed, but I rarely want him to touch me.He's very attached to me and right from the start he was keen to make the relationship serious. I often feel suffocated and have to ask him for space, which upsets him a lot. I am also often quite irritated with him, because even though I love his company, I am craving time alone. I wonder if this is contributing to the problem.I also wonder if perhaps we are just too different. I am a very spiritual, creative person and he tends to be rational, to the point that I wonder if he lacks depth. I find myself getting irritated by his inability to understand things the way I do.This is also my first serious relationship in a very long time. I'm used to having quite passionate, emotional and heavily sexual relationships. I know that those experiences aren't healthy, but perhaps I've got used to having a level of passion and spontaneity that isn't attainable in a long term relationship?I also feel that sometimes his technique is a bit indelicate and brusque, maybe even immature. And that he lacks a witticism that I find very sexy in bed. Sometimes I want to be playful and he sees this as a form of procrastinating. I don't know what to do to resolve this. I realise how demeaning it must feel for him to know that his girlfriend who he adores doesn't want sex with him. I really care about him and I want us to have a healthy relationship in every way. How can I speak to him and potentially change things without hurting him?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2018):
 PS. As a reply to the anon poster who said it's a catch 22 situation: it't not. Yes, there are fights in passionate relationships. But how do you imagine you will not turn into a bitch yourself if you get fed up and constantly annoyed by your submissive, clingy boyfriend who you don't feel chemistry with? You will have fights then too, but you wont even get to have hot make-up sex.
It's lose, lose. Not catch 22. The thing is NEITHER the super passionate or the submissive and boring guy are right. You need someone in the middle, who has both qualities. Someone who is both passionate AND calm/mature. You don't want submissive at all. There is a golden middle road here, so don't settle.
I too had a submissive boyfriend once, good on paper. He was sexy. He adored me. He would pop up by surprise with ice cream on my door, and I would be angry with him for invading my space. And I started to bully him, really. Because I didn't respect him, and I actually didn't like him/fancy him. I was with him for the wrong reasons. I have never been so annoyed with someone in a relationship before. And it wasn't good for him, and I became a horrible person towards him because of this.
So no, it doesn't lead to less arguments, it leads to you becoming so fed up and annoyed and an irritable person that you want to bang your head into the walls. And it makes you so horny you will have never been so tempted to cheat before in your life.
It's not at all better than being in a passionate/argumentative relationship. It's just as bad if not worse.
Find the guy who has a good balance of both passion and maturity/calmness. Nothing else is good enough. Don't settle.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 February 2018):
.. You say you love him? Uh-oh, you don't. Nothing wrong with not loving him, you're not obligated to love him just because he's good looking and he likes you. Doesn't mean you HAVE to like him back. He's just not your cup of tea. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Just stop fooling yourself into thinking you love him. You don't. You just feel like you should, because he's good on paper. But this isn't a sexual relationship to you, it's a friendship, and you would both be better off with someone else. He deserves someone who is nuts about him. Not someone who needs space and doesn't really want him to touch them. Come on, you know this. Just listen to your heart and you know this.
Time to set mr. good on paper free to find his true love, and time for you to let go of someone you don't really fancy, otherwise how are you going to meet the right guy for you?
It's not going to get better with time. You have it plenty of time. 3 months is far longer than I would have given it. If a man doesn't make you want to tear his clothes off, then it's not worth investing into a relationship. Just say thanks, but no thanks.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 February 2018):
 So both of you should lead these men into long term sexless relationships because :
A - You haven't grown out of your bad boy phase. Or
B - It is some how Nice to him?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (8 February 2018):
He has lots of good traits but you just don't find him interesting. Is this a good one-word description? If so, do you think you'll ever find him interesting? He seems like a guy who embraces the the traits we are told to have but doesn't ever give you a lot to think about.
Our anonymous female aunt (below) who is experiencing the same problem suggests trying to live with the situation. This is a personal choice although I think most people would be very unhappy and eventually find it impossible to live this compromise. Relationships are supposed to have at least some heat initially...you two should be going thru the screaming scorchies right now. Where do you think this will be a year from now if you stick with it? If I'm correct as to the main problem being that he just isn't interesting to you, I don't believe you can fix this particular situation.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (8 February 2018):
He has lots of good traits but you just don't find him interesting. Is this a good one-word description? If so, do you think you'll ever find him interesting? He seems like a guy who embraces the the traits we are told to have but doesn't ever give you a lot to think about.
Our anonymous female aunt (below) who is experiencing the same problem suggests trying to live with the situation. This is a personal choice although I think most people would be very unhappy and eventually find it impossible to live this compromise. Relationships are supposed to have at least some heat initially...you two should be going thru the screaming scorchies right now. Where do you think this will be a year from now if you stick with it? If I'm correct as to the main problem being that he just isn't interesting to you, I don't believe you can fix this particular situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2018): I am very sympathetic to what you are going through. I could be reading a story about myself while reading your post. So I will tell you about my experience and my thoughts and no I don't have the answers but here are the pros and cons I am weighing.I totally understand everything you described. I too am dating a wonderful, loyal, sweet, kind, etc. "perfect" man but there is definitely less chemistry than all my prior relationships. Like your man, he is very stable and devoted but I just don't feel sparks. I would be happy if we rarely had sex, and don't overly enjoy it when we do. He isn't very sensual at all and I want to turn away sometimes. BUT what people don't understand about your post which I do, is all the reasons we ARE in this kind of relationship. Like you, I found out a while ago that the passionate relationships tend to be filled with fireworks which means amazing chemistry but lots of fights or butting heads and ultimately, in my experience, breaking up. So like you, I imagine, I am trying something different with this new guy. It seems to be a catch 22. Either you have the passion and troubles, or you have the stable one who is perfect but doesn't have that je ne sais quoi. I don't have the answer. Like you, I find myself getting irritated at times simply because I don't feel that fire, and the submissive clinginess tends to wear on me when the passion part is lacking. Again sounds like what you are going through. I am going to try to stay with my man in spite of the lack of chemistry. A lot of people will tell you to dump him- but for what? Another passion that ends poorly? I think that most passion fades away in time anyway, so yes it sucks that it doesn't start out fiery but on the other hand we have really good men with great qualities who will probably make good fathers. We will always be missing something in our lives- yes. But others will be missing out on other things like compassion and patience so it is a trade off. OH and I know what you mean about the "lack of depth" thing too! Yes you CAN be very kind and still have a lack of depth in terms of what you are talking about. He might be a mathematician-type or statistician-type who doesn't really have a poetic, philosophic or ruminative side...again I think that is what you are getting at. For us women who do have the potential to be very passionate people I think that can be difficult, but again it is a trade off as these "practical" types also tend to be the more stable men who might be in it for the long haul even though they might not discuss Shakespeare with you or wonder about the meaning of life. SO my thoughts are I am also in this dilemma, BUT I am one person who says give it a try for a few years, see if you think you can live with it for life. I'm going to try. Because in the long run more things than just sex will matter. On the other hand I know it is difficult and I spend some nights missing the passion terribly. Right now I'm trying to count my blessings though and give this man a fair shot because he is truly a good person which is so rare.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 February 2018):
 It sounds to me like you love him as a friend but not as a partner. If you have no sexual chemistry with him then maybe this relationship is simply not for you.
Not wanting to have sex could be for a number of reasons, but reading what you have to say it sounds like you want a friendship with this guy and nothing else. Do you feel any chemistry between you both? If you don't want him to so much as touch you then he really is not the right guy for you.
He wants a serious relationship, and from the sounds of things you have a barrier up and you keep pushing him away. He is upset a lot which is not fair on him. He wants more than you do and it is time you ended things instead of hurting him all the time. You contradict yourself a lot, one minute you love him, next he is irritating, then he is kind then he lacks depth. Honestly I think you have no future here with him.
Space in a relationship is good. But it has only been three months and already this has frizzled out for you. It is okay to be different in a relationship, me and my husband and very different people, and yes some opinions we disagree on and some qualities annoy us both but we see passed them as we love each other. If you get irritated just because he doesn't think the same as you then you really need to end this and stop putting you and him through this.
You are bored with him in bed and he is simply not the man for you. Let him go. Let him down gently now before it goes on for longer and he falls deeper in love with you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 February 2018):
Change What? What is it that you want him to be before you can be attracted to him? This is a you problem, not a him problem.
You are faking it at three months. Essentially lying to him to keep him on the line. You Want more sex, but sex with him is a chore, and you rarely want him to touch you.
I don't know why you aren't sexually attracted to him, perhaps if you go through your post and read every unflattering word you have written about him you can figure out which one it is that bothers you most.
Finally you as What you can say to him that will change things and hurt him the least. In my opinion the thing you could say to him as soon as possible that will minimize his suffering would be, "Good Bye".
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