A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This may be a bit long winded so bare with me!Myself and my partner split up a few months ago after a very intense, passionate and serious 4 month relationship. we were due to move in together and go to the caribean this year etc. We split over a huge row - but in summary it was because we didnt know eachother as well as we would have liked and he ran a mile. We didnt speak for a month or so - he ignored me and avoided speaking to me. Over time, he go tback in touch and we have over the past month or so become friends again. We talk most days, on text mainly but also on phone and have met up a few times. We had the conversation that we are going to take things slowly- no pressure, and see what happens. This is what we have been doing, but its a strange situation as it is clear that our feelings are more than friends, and there have been a couple of times when things have got a bit steamy but we havnt really taken it any further. I really want to give things another go, but he seems to be very cautious and doesnt want to rush back into things - which is fair enough on one hand, but on the other its like we are somewhere in the middle of friends and partners. We werent really friends before we got together, and we both have loads of mates - so there is no reason for us to try and be friends if it isnt with a view of taking things further. I just dont understand what is going through his head - ive tried talking to him and he just said that hes going away for a couple of months so doesnt want to start anything, and doesnt wanna put pressure on our situation by saying we are back together. Over time, slowly we are getting a lot closer and learning to trust eachother which is great but im really at a crossroads wondering if we will ever sort things out. I dont feel like i can move on because i love him and want him so much, and sometimes i feel he feels the same and its just gonna be a slow process, and other times when i dont hear from him or the things he says its like hes got no intention of taking things any further. I knoew he is drawn to me, we dont seem to be able to shake eachother off but he doesnt have the guts to give things a proper go either. Really dont know what to do!! hes such a closed book hes the type of person if you push him on something too much he runs a mile, so im treading carefully to build his confidence up, but in the meantime mine is all over the place!! any advice is much appreciated.
View related questions:
confidence, move on, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionindeed. Some of your points are extremely valid I must say. The thing is, we both have opportunity to go with other people if we wish but we havent. At first, he said that he couldnt get back with me as he has issues and insecruties within himself from previous relationships that he needs to sort out. This was a month or so ago. He still says now that he finds it impossible to trust people, and that is one of the reasons hes going away - to find himself again and try and learn to trust people etc. However, when we talked recently (last week) about our feelings and situation it is no longer a situation of 'it isnt going to happen' its no more of a we are taking it slow as friends and seeing what happens situation. I said i dont see why we cant give things a go eeven whilst taking things slowly and he said that 'but im going away'. so I dotn think he wants to start anything before he goes away. The confusing thing for me really, is the uncertainty of it all. I know he cares about me and has feelings for me and im not saying that he is stringing me along, he has no reason to do this, but I genuinly dont understand how he feels and why he is happy leaving things in limbo like this. I try and put myself into his position and to me its one of 2 things. He is either stopping himself from doing what he feels and being with me becayse he's scared/ doesnt want to get hurt/ cant face it if it goes wrong again, or he isnt really that bothered and is just plodding along being my friend who fancies me with no real intention of doing anything about it. I just really dont know!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Hello,It appears you have a dicy situation here. Its not clear whether he broke up with you or you broke up with him. It seems he had the upper hand as he ignored you and didnt speak to you until when he was ready in a month's time. Your best bet will be to tell him how you feel. Tell him that you feel you should get back together and try again. Its not clear how long its been since you've made up. If its less than a month or two, then you may need to be more patient. He may have been hurt the first time and does not want to go through the same experience again.However you say he has already told you that he has no intention of taking things further. The truth is that you are 'just friends'. This means that both of you are free to hook up with someone else. You are a good friend that he can spend time phoning and texting to. If you have asked about this before and he is the kind of person that gets irritated when you repeat the same questions, then dont ask him again. If he insists that he has no intention of taking things further, then you could still continue talking to him if you get emotional support from that but start looking for someone else as you gradually wean off him. You agreed to take things slowly but you dont want to spend time with someone who is not interested in you for months when you could have hooked up with someone else. You may try all kinds of techniques to get him interested in you, but if he is not genuinely interested, then he'll slip away again. If he is really into you and sees you have other options as he has shown no interest in you he may come back. If you continue down this road, you may be surprised to find him telling you about a new girlfriend that he has hooked up with. Unless he shows more interest, it may be best to still keep contact (cutting off abruptly could be emotionally painful for both of you) but explore other options.
...............................
|
