A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancée still keeps in contact with his ex girlfriend by sms. He says that it's only messaging not talking and he only answers her messages. When i asked him why he did it he said he liked giving her hope and being a shit to her. Once when i asked him to stop he told me that he once promised her that he would never stop talking to her and if he couldn't keep to that promise then he does know if he's capable of keeping any other promises. All this feels wrong to me but I'm trying to trust him and ignore it. It's hard and im still hurt and irritated by it though. I don't think he would appreciate it if i did the same with my ex. Am i being silly or is this a red flag?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 Seriously OP? He threatened to have two female friends names tattooed on his back?
I think this IS about him enjoying seeing you upset and then him playing innocent - like he can't understand for the life of him why YOU would be upset.
Which to me show that he doesn't THINK how his actions affect others, specially not you, his partner.
If he wouldn't LIKE you being in contact with an ex, it should BE common sense that HE can't be in contact either, right?
I think this whole going to extremes with him is actually a bit worrisome. It seems bit like he is trying to punish you for wanting boundaries in the relationship.
I hope, if you stick it out with this guy that you do some serious PREMARITAL counseling before getting married.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 April 2016):
 Your follow-up made it crystal clear.
He threatened to have other women's names tattooed until you threw a fuss and he "couldn't understand" why it would bother you?
He calls his ex just to boost his ego by being a shit to her?
He's being an even bigger shit to you in order to get off on your anger at him for mistreating you. He's sucking your distress up like some sick vampire because he can control you, and because you putting up with it, throwing up a fuss, and his toying with you until you're at your breaking point until he relents is his way to manipulate you. He's sucking you dry for his own end.
I'll say this again - YOU will be BEYOND MISERABLE if you stay with him. DO NOT marry him. DO NOT stay with him! He's really really bad and he is committing serious emotional abuse against you. CAN YOU NOT SEE IT??!
This isn't about his ex. THis isn't about a tattoo. He's abusing you over and over and over. He won't stop when you give up your dreams for him. He won't stop when you become a shell of what you were. He will marry you, and then it will get 50 times worse, because then there will be children and he will up his game. Do you want a future daughter or son to have a father like this?? NO.
The moment you end this by leaving him and resolve to be partnered with someone for whom kindness instead of cruelty is his governing value, your life will be so much more free of anxiety and anguish. But stay with him, and you have sealed all fate and promise your youth offers you.
He is NOT a good guy. Stop making excuses for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): He wanted a tattoo of two women's names on his back? He is not committed to you. He is an attention seeking drama queen baby man. Run and do not look back. He has no boundaries. Do not think he will change. He is about him not you. This guy will always have his groupies around him. You will become his mother telling him what to do/not to do. You will always be two steps behind him mopping up after his poor choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): Thank you ladies for all your advice! As i read each of your replies the message strongly resonated with me. You're right, it doesn't feel right because it isn't! Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some much needed advice! I truly appreciate it. I called my ex and told him that I'm never going to be okay with him keeping in contact with his ex. After some huffing and puffing he did say that I'm his priority and he will cut all ties. So thanks for making it clear to me that i needed to do that. It still concerns me that sometimes he doesn't get the simple things that may bother me, like when he was about to get the names of his 2 best female friends tattooed on his back and he just couldn't understand why that would bother me. He didn't do it in the end cause i made it clear that i didn't want that. And he tends to go from one extreme to another like telling me that if he breaks one promise then he won't trust himself to keep any other promises and now cause ive told him not to have contact with his ex his answer to me was 'this is why im not going to have any female friends in the future as it'll make you complicate things ' I'm not neanderthal and I'm not the jealous type and i don't like being portrayed like that. He is a good guy and i do love him very much and i want this to work. Right now i guess we're still a work in progress.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (19 April 2016):
 Of all the most genuine promises to vow and keep as a man; he chooses to stand his ground on giving his ex hope and being a shit to her – WOW!
Sounds like he’s immature and grossly incapable of realising his commitment, priorities and responsibilities to you, his fiancée!? I can’t understand why you got engaged in the first place when this surely would have been a RED FLAG waving in your face before?
If “he doesn’t know if he's capable of keeping any other promises”, this suggests he’s incapable of keeping promises to you! Proof is, you asked him to stop and he flatly ignored you and prioritised his ex over you, very disrespectful!
Personally I don’t see the attraction in staying with a guy who behaves like this… your marriage would be a disaster.
Frankly he is being a shit to you and her for no valid reason.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 He sounds very immature to be honest. He wanted to keep giving her hope and being a shit, well how nice off him to keep messing this poor girl around. It sounds like she may still like him and he likes the attention so he replies, so he can keep her wanting him, it sounds like he gets some sick pleasure out of her pain. What a lovely man you have their.
Yes his reason for staying in contact is shocking, he sounds like he can talk his way out of any situation which would be a red flag warning to me.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2016):
It feels wrong because it *is* wrong. If the situation was reversed, he wouldn't be as sanguine about you keeping touch with an ex of yours and putting a promise you made to him ahead of a man you've pledged to marry and "forsake all others". A marriage vow should supercede any juvenile promise made to another.
It's definitely a red flag. He is saying that his promise to another is higher than a marriage vow. That means he is not available emotionally for marriage, and that his "promise" means that he either needs to marry HER or stay alone and burn his stupid torch, wrecking every one of his future relationships.
There's another red flag in this. If he was being honest in saying that he loves giving her hope and "being a shit" to her, that means he mistreats women for his own ego. Never marry anyone like that. I'd break up with him for that answer alone. That is not a kind person who knows anything whatsoever about love.
You will be beyond miserable with him as your husband.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2016):
His reasoning as to why he keeps in touch is such a crock. I'm sure he also promised her that he would love her forever, that what they have is so specially nothing can break that bond etc.. ya-da..ya-da.
Is it a red flag? It can be, and it might not be... For me it is; if 1. the conversations are inappropriate 2. if they don't NEED to be in contact. (as in if they don't share a kid or whatnot). 3. if either of them are NOT over the break up and STILL carry an emotional torch for the other...
If the conversations ARE NOT inappropriate and they have gone from exes to friends, I don't quite see the big deal. You shouldn't be the only female he is allowed to talk to. I think a GROWN man/woman should KNOW whether or not the friendship is appropriate or not. You as the partner should have to point it out that it is not. (if it isn't.)
While I DO think being friends with an ex is RARELY a great idea, some people seem like they can't quite let go of their past. And some are quite capable of separating having dated with later on being friends or friendly acquaintances.
However YOU have to decide if this is OK for YOU or not. And if it's NOT OK then WHY be with him? Because he proposed? You DO know that a ring on a finger, some vows doesn't prevent people from doing inappropriate things, right?
Maybe you two are NOT as good of a fit as you WANT you two to be.
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