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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I just had an anxiety attack. I was trying to reach my boyfriend. He knew I was having this panic attack and ignored me. He read all my messages and was online and ignored me as I frantically typed message after message trying to reach him. I told him I couldn't breathe. He just ignored me. Now I'm awake all by himself. I'm just so alone and broken right now. I even called his phone several times and he ignored me. I just don't know what to do. I am suffering something awful. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2020): Just seen your follow up.
A lot of this depend on how serious the relationship is, how committed you are, what promises you have made, or if it is a new not proper relationship or if it is casual, i.e. just sex.
But I find it very odd that you can supposedly get a panic attack when you see that he is online and then you frantically try to get him for an hour. That does not sound like a panic attack at all. Panic attacks seriously make it difficult to type, think, make decisions, do anything, just struggling to breath, maybe vomiting and being sick, sweating and shaking! It sounds as if you saw he was online and suspected he was " out of order" chatting to other women so decided to do the I am having a panic attack scenario expecting that you then become far more important than anything else he wants to do.
Your boyfriend may or may not be allowed to privacy - depending on how serious your relationship is. If you barely know him he can date other women! If you have known him for a long time and it is a committed relationship then you have gone wrong somewhere - he should not need to text, chat up and try it on with other women online.
You cannot say to him listen to me I own you, you are going to stop chatting to whoever when I click my fingers.
IF he wants to chat online to other women ask yourself why! You cannot stop him, you cannot stop him from cheating, flirting, meeting, sexting or whatever suits him. And then the next step is for him to lose interest totally in your relationship and end it because it is more fun to flirt with all different women or he has found a woman who is not so clingy and insecure and demanding.
A relationship is about two people and both of them being happy - not him being there to make you happy at his expense.
You think he is lying and out of order so dump him, I don't think he will care. I think he will be glad you did, it saves him doing it.
I suspect you have done this sort of thing before.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2020): Look at your boyfriend...Really look.He has shown you that when you need him the most he will not be there for you ever.This is an example of a man who only concern is for himself.And he is a great guy.....why???? Op you know you can do better.This does not matter if your problem is panic attacks or somthing else.He has shown he will not support you at all....in this relationship you are on your own.I really think you need to dump him because he can only love himself.You might find you get less panic attacks without him.I really think that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2020): Thank you all for the replies so far.
It is the original poster with follow up.
I talked to the boyfriend this morning. He said he was SLEEPING and did not see that I was trying to reach him.
I called him on his cell phone several times.
And I texted him via the app Snapchat which we use all the time.
I was texting him there for about an hour non stop because I saw he was active on Snapchat. The app shows your location on a map and when you are active or last active. Therefore I assumed he was on it talking to someone else and ignored my messages. I kept trying to reach him as I saw he was actually on the app. The app said so.
Snapchat showed him going on and off it for an hour. Then after an hour it was closed for good. All the while my messages were ignored. I was so very frantic and upset. I kept asking why would he do that to me? He denied he was on the app but I am having a difficult time believing him right now. :(
He closed the app when we talked last. Then I see he is on it again? He said he left Snapchat open and there was a power outage in his area and it must have made it seem he was on it when he wasn't because the router continuously pinged his location when it was trying to find him. But why would this go on for an hour if it was an outage? Like on and off for an hour? I am not technical. Anyone know why? Anyone technically inclined? I am not believing his story. And I am wondering if I should just leave him. I am worried he was talking to someone else and ignored me. That has the be the height of cruelty. And it is unforgiveable in my eyes to be talking to someone else and coldly ignore your gf who is having a panic attack. How could someone be so cruel? How could he do that knowing I was messaging him non stop the whole hour? Where does the conscience kick in? He knows I can see him active on the app. He knows. And he knows of my condition.
Would you believe his excuse?
Sorry guys, I had no sleep. I am pretty upset. You can probably see that. :(
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reader, kenny  +, writes (13 November 2020):
 Do these panic attacks happen frequently?. I would go along and see your GP and tell them what happened, and maybe they can steer you down the correct path to help you for when this next happens.
I had what i thought was a panic attack about ten years ago. I was at work and a went out to get some lunch. I drove to the local supermarket to get something to eat. As i pulled up in my car at the supermarket i had this panic sensation that i could not breath, my breath sped up rapidly and i honestly felt i needed to grab hold of someone to seek help. It was very scary, and i think i have had two of these in my lifetime. The best advice i recieved at the time was to focus on my breathing, deep breaths in and out, like breath in, hold it for 5 seconds and release and repeat. However simplistic this method may seem i found it to actually work. Its even a good procedure to carry out when you are not having a panic attack, just to bring you back into the present.
As for your boyfriend i think its very selfish of him to ignor you like this. This could have materialised into a serious situation, and he just ignored your calls. I think you have to question if this selfish trait that he carries is one you want in a long term partner?. I think if a loved one calls you in a state of panic you are there like a shot to help them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2020): I have sister who's been having all sorts of issues, so I know what it is like to have someone close to you suffer that much.I also had panic attacks myself.Being on both sides of the fence, I have learned that our friends, family, partners are just that. Friends, family, partners. They are not our therapists. It's ok to seek their support from time to time but you must understand that they are not here to deal with our problems. Our problems are ours alone.My sister has done nothing over the years to learn how to deal with her obsessive-compulsive behaviors, depression, anxiety. She just calls me or her best friend and dumps it all on us. Before I started avoiding her when she wants to talk about whatever it is that she's obsessing about, she used to keep me on the phone for hours on end! I was fed up a long long time ago. I felt guilty for feeling this way, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't listen to her whining even though I knew what panic attack feels like. After years and years of that, DECADES, I was spent. This has nothing to do with love for my sister. I do love her and want to be there for her, but I cannot be her enabler. She never once took my advice to seek therapy, even though she knew that I was talking from experience. People with problems, who are not dealing with them properly, can be too self absorbed. That's the truth. And if nobody has told you that by now it's because they are walking on eggshells around you, just like we have been walking on eggshells around my sister.You need to learn some coping strategies and learn how to self-sooth. It will take time, but it's easier than many people think. My panic attacks were so severe that I used to have headaches, dizzy spells, vomiting... When there's a will, there's a way. Read up on meditation, mindfulness, etc. There's a whole world of self-help that can make a huge difference before you can afford therapy or find a good therapist. There are some great YT videos. You can find even some Buddhist monks explaining how they deal with anxiety. You will see that once you start taking care of yourself and you problems people, like your bf, will be much eager to support you. I had en episode last weekend and I "embraced" it. I knew what it was and that it will pass. I just let it be. Let myself be. When you learn to distance yourself instead of being absorbed in an attack, you will communicate better with those around you. Instead of saying for example "I can't breath", you could say "I think I can't breath" or "It feels like...", because you know that there's no physical reason for this. It's just an illustration. When you start thinking and talking like this instead of being "inside" the attack, you are less likely to burden others and then they will have space to really be there with you instead of feeling that they should to something to make you feel better. It IS NOT their job to do so.There is a way out of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2020): I don't know which country you're from but in the U.K. we have a good service where you dial 111 and can talk to someone about your health concerns and they will get you the help you need, or advise you what to do. Your boyfriend isn't the person to turn to in this type of scenario. You need proper help. He isn't a doctor or a therapist and you shouldn't treat him as one. I don't think he was very caring at all and doesn't sound like a keeper, but what in all practicality could he do? He may not have understood what a panic attack is even and he might have been scared out of his wits by your messages and chose to ignore them. But this shows that he isn't very mature. He could have called you to help you decide what to do, but chose not to support you. At least you have found out that in a crisis, he is not there for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2020): I used to have a lot of panic attacks, they were awful and no way would I have been up to thinking straight, texting and phoning someone in the middle of it!Maybe your boyfriend has heard it all before and thinks it is a way to get attention when you fancy it. Maybe he is not really a boyfriend but someone you know and have slept with or gone out with a bit - with no commitments or promises - in which case he would not understand what it has to do with him or why he is being contacted.You need to work out how to stop the panic attacks and your plan B is to have someone or something ready to do if and when they happen. You cannot decide that someone you know has to be there for you whenever, that has to be possible for them and suit them too.Your boyfriend, friend or whoever may be a permanent part of your life but they are also entitled to decide how that relationship exists. You cannot draw out the I need your help and I am needy card whenever you want and expect them to ignore anything else. Supposing he is at work or asleep - do you expect him to help? If you live in England you can ring the No Panic helpline - they give help to those with anxiety, there is a tape you can listen to when going through an attack, they also do befriending and telephone group talks, something for everyone.And remember the quicker you get sorted out the more likely your "boyfriend" will want to continue to be your boyfriend. If you continue to flounder and expecting him to come running he will hand in his notice.
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reader, mystiquek  +, writes (13 November 2020):
 I am sorry that your boyfriend wasn't there for you OP. I have suffered from panic attacks for years. Unless a person has experienced them, they don't really understand how frightening a panic attack really is. Some people of course will be sympathetic but others will just scoff it off. Your boyfriend appears to be the latter. I'd strongly consider getting him out of your life if he chooses to just ignore you when you are in need. Get yourself a support partner, someone you can call and help you through it, chat with you, calm you down. I'm lucky I have my son. He has them himself so he understands.
Also, I strongly urge you to go see your doctor. He may be able to give you some medication if they occur frequently. Mine started when I started going through menopause. Hot flashes often lead to panic attacks for me and even though I know exactly what is going on...its still scary! You truly can feel like you are going to die and sometimes just can't get ahold back on reality. Please talk to your doctor.
You can also try yoga, meditation and seek out online groups. Don't suffer alone. Please find a support partner. Sometimes a calming voice of reason can really help you get through a panic attack. If not, this might sound silly but go on youtube and look up ASMR artists. Many of them have videos that will help talk you through a panic attack. These artists suffer from panic attacks themselves so they understand what others may not. These videos have often helped me when my brain just won't stop racing.
I wish you all the best sweetie. A panic attack isn't going to kill you, but they sure can make you feel as they will.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 November 2020):
 Seek help for your panic attacks, so in the future YOU are better able to handle them alone if need be. As your BF either can't or won't help you manage and handle them.
He is your partner not you therapist. Maybe he doesn't know what to do or he doesn't understand what panic attacks are and how they affect you. In short, for support during a panic attack HE is useless.
He sounds like he wants nothing to do with you when you are having a panic attack, so how is he as a partner the rest of the time? Is him not wanting to soothe you or talk to you when you are having one, a deal breaker for you? If so, it's time to dump the chump.
As a side note, I know people who will call a panic attack a melt down. Because they DO NOT comprehend how horrifying they are. If he thinks you are "faking for attention" or being "overdramatic" it is either because he has no empathy or he is dense as a rock.
Lastly, the sooner you GET help the sooner you can start the work on BEING in control of the panic attacks. Some can work through them through therapy, some thru meds AND therapy. Find what is right for you. The only one who can really help you here, is you.
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