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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Should I break up with my boyfriend because he has a child?We're bo in our late twenties, and he had a child with his ex 7 years ago. He absolutely adores his child, and he's a great father, but unfortunately, due to difficult circumstances he's still finishing university and therefore can't pay child support, so the child lives with my boyfriend's ex.I've never been a "children person", so to speak, because I'm the youngest, I have a small extended family and don't have any nephews, I have a few friends and none of them have children. It's not that I dislike them, but I don't understand them aside from remembering a little about being a child myself (and while I think my parents did a great job raising me, I understand that I'm biased and not all children are raised the same).I mention this because his child is a little spoiled, and my boyfriend seems a bit oblivious to it. Since he spends most time with his maternal grandma, it's only natural that he's spoiled. Also, my boyfriend's ex is the psychotic type. She hates me and doesn't even know me. Their breakup was a long time ago, and it was her fault (she cheated), and yet she goes from hating my boyfriend to wanting him back. Yes, she's the type of woman to use her child to manipulate my boyfriend. Not good.Since my boyfriend doesn't work, I often pay for things the kid wants. Sometimes I'll say no to my boyfriend, he will say no to the child, and the child will get mad. This drives me crazy, but I guess that's what today's 7 year olds do (I've known a few other kids around that age and they all seem spoiled).His kid is great, regardless. We get along really well and generally we have fun, but that's easy to say when we only spend time sporadically. I'm concerned about the long term commitment.My boyfriend and I want to get married eventually, we've been dating for over a year but now I'm concerned. We went on a trip recently, with his child, and it was the first time we spent time "as a family". My boyfriend was over the moon. I felt a little exhausted (again, I have no experience with children, so it might be a matter of time to get used to it). And now, I'm thinking of all the sacrifices I'd have to make.My boyfriend eventually wants to get full custody, which will mean, if granted, that we will never have the freedom of being child free. IN the beginning I didn't care, but after more than a few cancelled dates and plans, I sometimes miss the freedom of dating a man without a child. In any case, if he doesn't get full custody, this will still be an issue.Now, what concerns me the most is that we live in a small town, which for my career is not good. I've been planning of eventually moving ever since I was in college. Due to my professional background, it would be even better to continue studying and even working abroad. This is obviously a problem because I can't just take my boyfriend away from his son. My boyfriend is optimistic, and thinks we can find a solution (like having his son move with us, or conversely having him visit a couple of times a year ago). Still, I think he's not being realistic, and then again I'd feel awfully guilty. I know that in my position, it's all about compromise and sacrifice.I think we could make it work, but then again I have my doubts because while I really like his son, I don't know if I could ever love him, maybe I could love him like a nephew or just a different kind of love... But I don't know if I could love him like a son. I'm not even sure if I want children of my own. The uncertainty kills me.And last but not least, his ex. Like I said, psychotic. She doesn't want me near the child, so my boyfriend and his son always have to be lying about me spending time with them (which I don't condone, but it's their call). She has even sent me insulting Facebook messages telling me to back off. Crazy. Such a shame for his child.My boyfriend is great, and a big reason why I love him is, precisely, because he has a child. If he didn't have a child, I don't think he would have turned into the man I love. I know I expressed my concern and negative thoughts, but for the most part both him and his kid are great. I have had great joys with them both, and I think it's normal for me, never having been in this situation before, to feel this way.But I'm concerned, and I also feel a little selfish. I don't want to leave him, but maybe I should? There's a lot of sacrifice involved and I'm not sure Im ready for it. I want to think I'm ready, but maybe I'll never be?Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 February 2015):
 You have every right to be somewhat selfish as this is NOT your child.
You never have to love a stepchild but it helps. I loved my step daughter like my own child. Even though her dad and I are not together if she called me today I would be there for her. Her fathers errors are not hers. Same with this child. His mother's errors are not the child's.
IF your BF wants to fight with his "psycho" ex over custody then let him. The fact that he is not paying child support does NOT bode well for him getting custody.
Unless MOM is incompetent, a murderer or an active drug user that puts the child in danger, dad is probably NOT getting custody.
Why in the world have you not blocked 'pyscho' mom from messaging you on face book? or any other social media?
Dad and mom have to have contact forever. My ex husband just called me the other day to talk about our child. He is going to be 31 in April. MOM and DAD whether a couple or not are always tied together with children.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 February 2015):
 You are not getting into anything, just yet. The future is so unclear. You don't know if you would be in the same city. You don't know if his degree would land him a stable job. His aspirations to get married is to keep the child's mom out of your relationship. Unless the mom is a crackhead or abusive, she will likely get half custody. The child is close to the grandma too, so it's unlikely that he would want to be totally cut off from mom. If the mom is only psychotic when your boyfriend has a new girlfriend, then it's in the child's best interest that he keeps contact with his own mom. So far she has been the main caretaker. Saying he will have full custody is unrealistic. Your boyfriend is only saying things to make him look good. I wouldn't want to get married to a man when he doesn't have a job yet. So just take it day by day. You are not in a hurry to have a child your own. You don't worry about your biological clock ticking. I don't find a reason to break up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): "Should I break up with my boyfriend because he has a child?"No, you should break up with him because your long-term plans and goals are incompatible with his, not to mention that he has inescapable baggage in the form of a psycho ex who is willing to use their kid as a weapon to make his life miserable not realizing that it's the kid who will suffer the most as they always do.The poor kid already has enough anguish in his life, the last thing he needs is an ambivalent faux-step-mother who has little affinity for children and whose presence only fuels the friction between his warring breeders. If only for the child's sake it is best that you bow out now before he forms any kind of lasting attachment to you.If you don't think you're ready for the sacrifices required to make this relationship work with no guarantees that you can overcome the severe obstacles facing you, then you're not ready and there's nothing wrong with that. Time to cut your losses and make a clean break so you can find a childless guy with whom you are truly compatible.Very selfish of your boyfriend to have brought a stranger into his kid's life at such an unsettled time for both of them; he should be devoting all his energies to being the best possible father he can under difficult circumstances and that should mean putting his love life on hold for the foreseeable future.
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