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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hey aunts and uncles.I'm 18 and in my first year of uni.My question is to do with sex... I don't like it!I lost my virginity last Summer, and it was good, great, fine.I have also had a one night stand since I have been at uni. Obviously this wasn't exactly ideal but I don't regret it and still get on well with the boy.However, I have found that Since then I have almost this.. 'Fear' of sex. I haven't felt horny in ages, have absolutely no sex drive and I don't know whether I have lost my confidence or whether I just don't like it. Certainly I am very worried that I am, just plainly, bad in bed. (I am surrounded by flatmates who are all 1) very promiscuous and 2) very attractive!)It's difficult because I've been seeing a boy I like and I want it to progress but I'm doing anything to avoid having sex. Please give me some advice, I don't know how to get round this!!
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confidence, flatmate, horny, lost my virginity, no desire, one night stand, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2015):
 You want things to progress with the boy you like? Then let things progress... this doesn't meant having sex!
If you didn't like having one night stands, which I can tell from your post you didn't, then just don't have them. Keep sex to relationships only. I keep sex in relationships unless sex is the only thing I want from a person. So if I want a relationship with someone, I will WAIT with having sex with them, because I feel it should not be introduced too early. This is a conscious choice I make, and I inform the person about it as well once we get to that point. I just say something like "I really like you, and would like to see where things are headed. I personally do not want to mix sex into the equation too early on, as I want to get to know you first. Sex is for when Im in a relationship, and dating is for getting to know one another."
Something like that. So if you want things to progress, but don't want sex yet, then just say so. Just say the truth, you're not comfortable with casual sex and you need to trust and know the person you will have sex with before you can relax and "let go" and be yourself. So this means you'll have to already be in a relationship, an official and exclusive one, for a while before you move on to sex. I've never met a man who had a problem with this. If he's interested in you and likes you, then he will not mind at all. He'll probably feel the same way, actually, because men aren't different from women when it comes to sex, they are the exact same. They worry they are not good in bed, they worry they are not hot enough or sexy enough, they worry about their lack of experience etc.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): Hormones are hormones, whether you want it or not, however, stress and a bit of depression can add to you not desire sex at the moment. When you lost you virginity, was it just one time, or it was an ongoing relationship with a boy? My advice would be to not do one night stands anymore. For a woman they are usually not enjoyable physically anyway and hurtfull emotionally, because usually the next morning guys don't want to do anything with you as they were after only one thing and we all know what it was. May he the combination of you moving from your parents house, unknown environment, the one night stand encounter had an influence on your desire to have sex. And please, don't think you are BAD in sex. You don't have much experience, that's true, but for women to be bad in sex I don't know what needs to happen:). Guys will get their benefit from sex with any girl anyway, it's for us girls is a bit more complicated. As for your roommates, promiscuity never benefitted anyone.,usually people do it out of insecurity. There will always be someone who is more attractive than you, it doesn't mean you are not. With the boy you are seeing, may be you are not attracted to this particular boy? See what happens, don't make yourself into having sex. Wait and see, usually time will tell.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 February 2015):
 Relax, you're not the only one feeling the pressures of going off to school. Thepressure and stss of adapting to a new environment far surpass the normal feelings. Just take your time and relax. verything will 'fall into place' once you've adapted. In the meantime don't rush anything. rink it all in and pace yourself. Life unfolds in it's own time. Think about it. You are in the big wide world and you need to watch out for things that could get in your way to sucess, Relax.
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