A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Right sooo, i want to make sure i get this across the right way, because before i start i need to say, i love my boyfriend with all my heart, he sensitive , he compliments me, he makes me feel loved ( most of the time) he is my best friend and i trust him, we have been together just under a year, but in the last few months things have gone from perfect to just not how i want them to be . . .,he is big drinker, gambler, footballer, and is absolutely rubbish with money, just recently we were invited for a family meal and he said he couldnt come as he had no money. i offerd to pay but he didnt want me to do that. in the end the meal was called off but he still ended up going out and getting very drunk lending money of a friend, but the first thing that came to my mind was why couldnt you lend that money to come for the meal,previous to this theres been ocasions were we have made plans and hes been out with friend , called or text like an hour before we are meant to be meeting and canceled on me because friends have asked him to come out. I fit around his very busy life style, work 9-5 mon fri football 3 times a week and watching football plus pub usually most saturday or friday nights along side casino, when he does have free time or free money it seems to just go on beer, footy or gym, he's happy for me to just come round a few days through the week and sit in front off the tele, and its getting the stage where its just not enough for me now, we used to do stuff all the time (days out, nights out) but now its like im part of a busy routine and when i say things like why cant we do more he says we dont have enough money, but he always finds the money to go out drinking, i feel if he wanted to spend time with me hed find the money some how just like he does for his boys nights out.i've started thinking it like he doesnt want to be with me on the weekend and if thats true i dont want to make him. just recently when he goes go out i feel angry because he has sooooooo many other priorities his money should be going to first, and alchohol is the root of all our argumeants and issues. i dont meen to try make myself out to be perfect but we always argue about him and things hes done (most of the time whilst being drunk) things like hes very flirtatious and out there when hes out, spending money he hasnt got, lending money off me things that dont end up getting paid off, cancelling our plans so he can go out drinking or being so hung over we cant make our own plans the next day because hes too rough, its like he has the money to do the things he wants to do but we do nothing, i want to be spontanious wake up one day and drive to the beach, go to the zoo or safari go on walks visit people, just drive. The most exciting things we do is the cinema and out for food, wich is rare anyway as its always me paying coz he's skint. Dont get me wrong hes such a good person, and i love him so much, i just dont no how i should feel about this? am i being petty and silly, or sould i be angry or upset with this, i suppose i just feel second to everything else, a little advice or some opinions would be very helpful :) thanks guys x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Neither petty nor angry. You should be rational, wake up and smell the coffee.
Let's leave aside that what you deem a great guy may sound like a total nightmare to other women ( drinker, gambler, moocher,selfish aren't that great to most people ). But, tastes are tastes.
The fact is that he made his priorities crystal clear to you : 1 ) drinking 2 ) gambling 3 ) football 4 ) friends 5) girlfriend. Honestly to climb back 4 positions in his list is a tough enterprise, I don't even know if it can be attempted. Or if it should.
Perhaps the way to tackle this issue is to ask yourself if you don't need and deserve something ( someone better ). A relationship in which you don't have to struggle so much to make it in the top 3 .
You may feel frazzled because it did notuse to be this way and you think he has " changed ". Probably he has not, he was just more careful at the beginning of the relationship because he was not so sure yet he had " gotten " you. Now he knows you are not going anywhere, so he does anything he wants and lets you struggle to fit in.
Solutions ? Not many alas. Basically, it's either suck it up or dump him. People do change if THEY want and if they
get to a point where their habits / addictions makes THEM miserable. But your bf sounds quite happy with himself and the status quo, I don't think he is interested in making changes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice :) x
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Another example of hope triumphs over reality.Your boyfriend may not be the worst person in the world. He probably does have many fine qualities, but being a good boyfriend and an overall stand up guy are not among them. It's easy to be nice when we're in a good mood and things are going our way. That's not how you measure a person's character.If you want to have a great relationship, with anyone, you have got to see people as they are and not what you hope they will be.Your boyfriend has made his priorities clear and it isn't you. It's drink. This is something he has to fix. No one can do it for him. The only thing you can do is not get sucked down with him. No doubt you've spoken to him about this many times, to no avail. The time for talking has passed. Now it's time for action. You don't have to dump him immediately, but you should start thinking about life without him. I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but I don't see a future with a man like him.
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