A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend cheated on me. We've been together 10 months and the girl told me. She didn't know he had a girlfriend. I love my boyfriend soooo much. I truly thought he was one of the few people I could really trust. He was sweet and nice to me and just seemed like he was so into me he couldn't care less about other girls. They had sex once and it was a month ago when we were fighting. He said I told him mean things and put him down and thats "why" he cheated. People say mean things when they fight! After I confronted him he denied denied denied but then finally cried and admitted it. He said I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and he didn't think we'd get back together. That's stupid, we were just fighting and I said that. All he's done since then is just text me "I'm sorry" and "miss you". SORRY? I am so completely crushed and hurt I can barely breathe. If not for my family I wouldn't even want to live. It hurts soo bad and I can't believe he could do that. I don't want to be with him anymore but I need some help on how to make it through this. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Don't take him back whatever you do, I understand you are probably thinking about it and your head is telling you one thing while your heart is telling you something else....how do I know, because I am going through the same although I was with my husband 7 year, married, have a baby who was only 6 months old at the time he started cheating.
It's best you found out now...10 months into the relationship then 10 years down the line when your married and have children. Trust me you will become a better, stronger person for this, you will have some difficult times ahead of you, lean on friends and family for support and try and keep busy to take your mind off him and what has happened.
You are a better person then him and you can do so much better. You will have good days, you will have bad days, but get yourself out there and enjoy yourself, have some fun with your friends, he doesn't deserve you. Good luck hun, wishing you all the best!
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (3 August 2011):
If you did have a fight where you said you didn't want to be together with him any more, and told him mean things, I think you need to understand how hurtful it might have been for him to hear that, he might have felt that he was truly losing you, and reacted to that. However, that does not give him an excuse to cheat on you. If he was hurt, he needed to be able to work it out with you, talk through his feelings, and find out whether things were really over between the two of you or not. Additionally, once he did cheat, and realised he got things horribly wrong, he needed to tell you what happened rather than have you find out from someone else.
I can understand you not wanting to be with him any more, but to get through it, it can help to understand that people are not as strong as we would always like them to be. He sounds like he did not have the emotional strength or communication skills to deal properly with your relationship, and that is sad, but a fact of life. I am sure you wish he could have been more, and he would want the same for himself too. This might be aspects he develops as time goes on. Understanding our weaknesses can lead to acceptance and hopefully forgiveness, which help to heal the heart.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 August 2011):
Well, you fought, said things you might not have meant, told him you didn't want to be with him. That hurts. He went off and had sex with another woman, and that hurts. So sounds like no one is winning. Fighting is rarely a good way to solve disagreements.
You've evoked a strong fundamentalist response, maybe thats what you want to hear and wish he could be stoned or burnt alive, but he can't. I read in an advise column recently that sex is just a bodily function and shouldn't be confused with love. I do find it sad that our society has made sexual relations as cheap and available as eating a hamburger. So attaching great meaning to sex is misplaced. There is need for trust and respect in a relationship and sex should fit in with that, but it is not a defining action. Now you are in a position that you have to work out if you want to carry on the relationship. Yes, it will never be the same, but maybe through this you learn not to fight and respect each other better, and make compromises that all relationships have to have. Only you can judge if you boyfriend regrets what happened. If so he will have learnt a lesson and won't do it again. If you carry on fighting then I am sure it will happen again. But guess what, if you split and make a new relationship then there is no guarentee there either. Relationships aren't hollywood, there is pain and suffering from time to time. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): It sounds like you were still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. I vaguely remember reading something that being cheated on in this stage of a relationship is particularly devastating. The despair and the sense of loss you're feeling is normal, and it will pass. Give it some time and hang in there. (And please don't take the guy back.)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): Thank the woman who told you.
People who cheat when they have an excuse like a fight have something much more going on deeper.
My wife cheated on me, full blown affair, we are still together, but she had to tell me (and a counselor) about the deeper darker stuff, and she had to deal with it, and continue to deal with it. She realized that if she didn't she would do it again, and again, and again. It is very hard for her.
"I am so completely crushed and hurt I can barely breathe."
I know exactly what you mean, that is exactly what I felt like and I found out years after it happened, had prepared myself, and thought I could deal with it better, I even had nightmares.
Hell, a guy attacked me with a knife a few months ago, in a public parking lot, I fought him off and chased his ass down, and got him arrested and faced him in court and it didn't even faze me, not an anxious moment at all.
It was nothing like finding out this (cheating) had happened.
It isn't easy.
If you want to be with this guy, then he needs counseling, and you need couples counseling. FYI, you don't get over this easily, 2 years or more of hard work to get over cheating, hard work as in counseling, more counseling, and openness, willingness to talk, etc, etc, etc.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 August 2011):
 At this point, I think you need to give yourself a little bit of time to get over the shock and anger around your boyfriend's infidelities. In time, things will get easier to accept, although sadly, you'll always remember this and I can only image the hurt you are going through. Now is the time to lean on your family and friends for emotional support.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he has rationalized the event by saying you were fighting and you had said mean things to him and therefore he has justified the action (at least somewhat in his mind). Unfortunately, if every time a couple said mean things to one another and it caused them to cheat, the world would be full of cheaters.
Sadly, it doesn't sound like he is manning up to the fact that he truly crossed the line and ruined whatever you had and an apology via text message for a transgression this large is severely lacking and insincere.
Again, take this a day at a time. Also, take a strong look at the way you and your boyfriend argue and whether this is the type of man you truly want to be with (from the sounds of your post, it sounds like you've made the right decision).
Finally, you may want to consider getting tested for STDs if you had unprotected sex since he cheated on you (also, you may have to consider what other antics he has been up to even without your knowledge) so it may be a good idea anyways.
Again, sorry to hear the news and hope you find relief soon.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (2 August 2011):
 Well when you say you don't want to be with him, you've still said it, whether you were fighting or not. I'm not defending him, but you both should've been able to communicate better. We all feel that way at least once where we feel nothing will make us feel better about a break up. The best thing you can do is give yourself time, however much you need. Get involved in some new or favorite activities, spend time with family/friends more, meet new ones, and don't date anyone until you really feel that you're over this guy. But don't stop your lifestyle because of this. Get into some new things and old ones, and remember that you wouldn't want to be with someone who cheats on you. You'll be getting over him sooner than you think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): "I cheated on you because we fought" is just an excuse. I think you should move on because if he did it once, he can do it again. He shouldn't text "sorry" and stuff but he should apologize and talk to you face to face.You don't have to feel bad because its not your fault at all. Relax. Give yourself time and stay away from him.
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