A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a 'relationship' with my long distance boyfriend for only 4 weeks. He is great; smart, funny, sexy, interesting and we both feel a definite connection. The first 2 weeks, although long distance, over the phone chatting were amazing. I could not stop smiling! I felt so sure about him. I even told all of my family about him, which I've never done this soon. Infact they hardly know anything about that area of my life.My bf is a very busy person, he is studying in his last year at uni, and so it's a very important year for him, he also has numerous jobs which he takes very seriously and does very well in them. He likes order, and planning, but I know lately everything has just thrown him off in terms of planning his time and getting all the things done he needs to do. And so he has not made much contact with me for a week and a half. We haven't spoken on the phone for about 10 days. He has sent me messages and that's been it. He did apologise for not being in touch much and said that he feels he is losing himself which means he usually isolates himself. I've been friendly and trying to be understanding and I have said I will be there whenever he is ready. I'm trying to not put added pressure on him. But I miss chatting to him. And I have no idea when we will see each other. We only live 90 mins drive from each other, but he's just so busy.Basically, I have been reading up on this type of man behaviour and it seems like he is in 'his cave'.I'm trying to leave him to come back to me. But at the same time I am worried as he has been in his cave for so long and I'm wondering and worrying if he actually still wants to be with me. Bear in mind that he has admitted to having feelings for me for a few months and before he met me he has just been emotionally cold towards the idea of having a girlfriend. I really like him. Please help someone!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2015): Dont forget that all cave men like sex and food.As do players!So I can more or less guarantee that he will get back to you if you are offering one of these, but i cant guarantee that he will get back exclusively to you, so keep up with the interests and social life or anything else that keeps you occupied because all hunters like to hunt and a caveman is a known hunter. Just keep a helmet nearby for when his memory returns to him as his passions start stirring in his loins because he will try to drag you by the hair into his lair for his conjugal rites despite the fact that he has never heard of them.Being busy is a sad assed excuse for having lots of other better things to do so the fact that he is too busy to pick up the phone is a good indicator of the type of future you would have if you stuck with him but as you realise you have a busy C21st caveman you also know that technology does not make contact that difficult unless you want it to be so.What of you?....perhaps you are an astronaut flying to different planets and maybe you would be looking to find someone with the capacity to pick up the mobile for a chat rather than an archaic excuse about being too busy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 October 2015):
 My husband and I started out LDR. 90 minute drive apart.
We have talked about this before since he did the whole "cave" thing. and was incommunicado for nearly 2 weeks early on as he was figuring out what he wanted.
thankfully I did not really care one way or the other if he and i were together so I just went about my business and didn't care.
ONCE he figured out what he wanted he contacted me and we moved on together.
in talking about it he said to me "the fact that you left me to figure out what I wanted on my own was the reason I figured out that I wanted to be with you"
I did not ask him how he felt because I DID NOT CARE
the issue is that YOU do care... and you are HOPING... and even if you do NOTHING when you do have contact with him if he contacts you, it will affect how you behave... that is human nature.
look at it this way... IF he comes back great... if he doesn't.. same thing... but you have to let him figure it out on his own...
he may call he may not... you have no control over it.
my suggestion... assume he's not calling and go about your life.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (20 October 2015):
 Hi,
this man is giving you little hints already.
The mere fact that he's not been in contact with you for this length of time, should be a red flag for you.
When a man is very keen on a woman, there is no way that he would cease regular contact/communication with her, regardless of how busy he is, unless he has something very serious goiong on and even then, he would tell her, pre-warn her.
You mentioned within your msg, thae he told you he is losing himself, which you understand as he isolating himself, however, my understanding of this comment means something very different.
I personally believe that his comment, he is losing himself, is his indirect way of saying to you, that because of your LDR, he isn't in control of his life at present and this doesn't make him very happy.
He basically needs time to himself right now, to re-focus on his studies and his jobs.
He may like you, but he is finding it too hard and too time consuming to study, work and to maintain regular contact with you.
In basic terms, to build a potential, long-term relationship with you.
A relationship, does take much time and effort to be brutally honest and just maybe, he isn't quite ready for this right now.
It would be decent of him, to be completely upfront with you about his feelings, but i suspect he thinks you'll get the hint, by his lack of current regular communication with you.
What you do ultimately, is up to you, however, i would strongly encourage you to think about ceasing communication with this guy and moving on with your life.
If you want a long term relationship and one that works, whereby you both have time to give to one another and to your relationship, then you ought look elsewhere.
By continuing to remain, hoping that he'll turn into the man that you'd love him to be, may be a waste of your time and could lead to you having, even more of a broken heart, because he may never come around.
Two people who are serious, need to meet each other half way, but if you feel you're left doing all of the hard work, then you need to re-assess this entire relationship.
You deserve to be truly happy and if you remain within this relationship, you may be wasting precious time, when you could be out there, potentially meeting the man of your dreams!
All the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 October 2015):
 Well I've never heard of the whole in his cave theory but I have heard of the whole "Long distance Relationship"(LDR) theory.One thing I do know is an LDR never really works out over time. Sounds tome like he's avoiding you and/or thw whole LDR thing. I'd move on without the LDR baggage.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 October 2015):
 I don't think you had a relationship. Maybe he looked for someone to chat and got carried away. It's easy to say things and be whoever you want to be online. Even if it's a real long distance relationship, he doesn't need a man cave from you and there's nothing smothering. There is no tangible presence to hide away from. In real life if guys lose contact for more than 10 days, they are ghosting. For serious couples, man caves are taken a couple of hours to a few days max when they are stressed. They are not to be abused and used as excuses similar to people using sick days too often. Don't continue this because you are embarrassed to tell your family you were mistaken. For some, 90 minutes drive is nothing if it leads to a long term relationship. For many people they just don't have the faith to ride this out, do the weekend travelling then find out it's not going to work. Forget about him and if he decides one day he wants some cheap attention from you and wonder if you still remember him, return the gesture of no contact and just move on.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (19 October 2015):
Yes i can understand your fear that he may not come back to you.But to be fair he is a very busy man between studying and work and after all that 90 mins at that stage would seem to him to far.Remember the man will only come out of the cave when he is ready.In the meantime call an odd time .perhaps a card and keep in touch.But you will have to leave the rest up to him.Just give it time and see what happens. Best luck .NORA B.
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