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anonymous
writes: I met my boyfriend in August 2004 and have been seeing each other a lot since. He told me when he first met me that he had a baby who had just turned 1 in August 2004. At the time it didnt bother me and I have always said I dont want to come between the relationship he has with his daughter.Basically, there has been problems with his ex-girlfriend claiming he is and isn't the father and when I first met him his ex-girlfriend would not allow him to see the baby.On Christmas day he was allowed after arguing to see the baby. I was really happy for him cos I know how much this means to him. The problem is him and his ex have gone from not talking and arguing all the time to seeing each other all the time.He says its so he can see his daughter. He always has to go to her house, she wont bring her down to his house and I know from what he's told me in the past that she wants him back. He even told me that she only kept the baby cos she said to him that that would mean he would always have to be in touch with them.I'm now finding myself being the insecure girlfriend scared that he'll go back to her. He says he loves me and is not interested in her only the baby but I'm not sure. She calls him all the time claiming "your daughter wants to talk to you" and ends up talking nonsense, I'm sure it's just an excuse. It's ok for her to phone him when he's with me, but when I phone him when he's with her he always whispers and if she comes in the room she always asks to talk to me. I have never met her and the first time she was nice to me on the phone saying that as long as my relationship with him doesnt affect him seeing his daughter then there will be no issues.I'm scared for him too as he might get too attached and then suddenly be back not being allowed to see her.The mother of the baby has taken him to CSA, however he was not sure if he was the father as she was seeing someone else at the time. He has rejected the CSA claiming that he is unsure if he is the father. He has now received a letter stating that he must do DNA tests however he's too scared to do it. When he said to the mum he was going to do them she freaked out saying he could come see her as much as he wanted and if he did his she would refuse to take the baby to have the tests done. He wasnt allowed to be at the birth as her boyfriend at the time was there and the baby's birth certificate states father unknown. Has she got something to hide? I wish he would just do the tests.I feel that all of this is puting a lot of pressure on our relationship and all when he doesnt even know if he is the father! I do love him but I feel this is all a bit too much to cope with considering we have had our own problems.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 January 2005):
 From your description, there's really no doubt at all that the old g/f is using the baby as a way to keep your boyfriend strung along, in the background, possibly as a source of support payments. The calling him, saying the baby wants to talk to him, the power-tripping of making him come to her...it's all part of the same issue. It's a terrible, cruel thing to do to a child, but that obviously hasn't occurred to the selfish ex-g/f. You can't change her behaviour.That said, your boyfriend hasn't given any indicators that you have to worry about him going back to Old Missy Self-Centred. He seems only to be interested in his daughter (if she is his child), and he should be commended for keeping up a good relationship with the child's mother, for the daughter's sake.You should do what you can to encourage your b/f to have the DNA tests. If he's the baby's true father, he will be legally responsible for child maintenance for some years to come and he will want to know he's paying for his own daughter's upkeep. If he's not the father, then he should know it as soon as possible, before he develops a really strong bond with her.I don't live where you do, but I am fairly confident that he can compel the old g/f to have the baby's DNA checked before he has to pay support; it's only a mouth swab, after all. Your boyfriend should check if there is an organisation that offers free legal advice nearby and explain what's happening, so he knows his rights and obliations. You can't - and shouldn't try to - force him to do it, but do your best to encourage him to speak to a solicitor.Your support to him will help to strengthen your relationship, too. Last of all, if the girl is his daughter, you should get to know and support her as well, since you'll be seeing a lot of her and she will be part of the "package" that comes with your b/f. Maybe just as important, the little girl will need a good female role model (you), since her mum is clearly a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
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