A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Any advice appreciated. I have been dating a man for a year; he is separated for almost a year and recently filed for divorce. I am also separated for almost 2 years. He has a 10 yr old daughter who lives with the Mom. The daughter and Mom live an hour away from my boyfriend..it was a planned moved before they split up ( he was also to be moving with them before the split happened). The problem is that although he has his own place, the Mom will not allow him to have the daughter stay at his place on his weekend. He travels there Friday after work, stays til 9:30, then goes home. He goes back over Saturday and then does the same thing on Sunday. He also goes over after work Monday night, Wed night and Thurs night. The Mom says she has a home there and he can see her there..she is sometimes there, sometimes will be out doing errands. He says up until recently they no longer have dinner together and if they go to a movie it is just him and his daughter. She also refused to tell her family they were separated until a few weeks ago (don't ask, lol). I have had an issue with this the past few months. I was ok at first and understood time for the daughter to transition to the new situation. However, I find it very hurtful to know he is there every other weekend. He says that he has tried talking to her, but she is irrational. He says she just wants to conrol the situation. It doesn't seem like she wants to let go. He did tell me before they were married, he would always visit the daughter at the mothers home. She had even wanted court supervision at one point when he was seeing someone else (there is NO justification for this). I feel I have been patient. I love him and I want him to see his daughter as much as possible. I am not looking for him to bring me into the picture if and when he/she is ready for that. I don't think the Mom ever will be ready for that one though. What do you think? Any help?
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I know it is a very complicated situation. I have thought many times about this and if I continue in this relationship, all that will be involved. To answer your questions:
His daughter does not know about me, nor do my kids about him. I don't feel our relationship has been that rock solid to move in that direction.
His daugther knows they are separated. She does not know about filing yet.
His almost ex does want him back. She feels they are soulmates and they are a family and belong together. He does not love her. He has known her about 18 years and dated off/on...she was with other people and engaged as was he over the years. She got pregnant, but they did not get married 10 yrs ago..they decided to get married 3 years ago for their daughter. He said they never really did romantic things together as a couple, it was always focused on the daugther. He was going to try and stay in the marriage until she was older, but was very unhappy.
Yes, I was seeing him while he was married. However, again he lied and said he was divorced. I found out, confronted him and ended things. He moved out 2 months later. We were not seeing each other in between. Again, another trust issue. I was completely upfront w/ him about my situation.
I do plan to be divorced. My "ex" is self employed and I have the health benefits. We have everything split,etc. We both have the understanding that this is not a permanent situation.
His wife does know about me, I am sure of that. She knows he sees me every other weekend. She turns off the cell phone and home phone so he cant talk to his daughter because i am with her. I am not sure I will ever be accepted as his partner/wife. Sometimes I think I am crazy for staying in this situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): I agree, he is wrong to lie to you.Does his daughter know about your existence? Will he want to introduce you two?Does his daughter know her parents are about to get divorced?Does his almost ex want him back in her life?What went wrong bet those two?"...I have been dating a man for a year; he is separated for almost a year and recently filed for divorce. I am also separated for almost 2 years."Were u dating him while he was still with his wife?Do u have plans to divorce your own hb?Right now both you and this man are married to others. Do u have plans to be together long term? If so, you need to divorce your hb.This 'relationship' is fraught with so many issues:His wifeYour hbHis daughterYour kidsWill you be accepted as his partner/wife?Long term plans? Divorces?Too many loose ends.Does his wife know about you and the role you play in his life.LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLove Girl..
He is a good decent Dad and it is one of the things I love about him. The only change I want is that he see his daughter at his place on his weekend and not at the future ex's place. He says he has been trying to change this, but she won't allow it, yet he doesn't want to do the court thing.
I admit, there is a trust issue between he and I that he created. It has to do with things he did to try and "soften' the situation with the daughter. Again, it is absolutely ok to do what one has to because she is most important here..yes, I fully get more important than me..I have 2 children too. However, it is never ok to go behind your partners back because you are doing things that are not right, that is lying and that is never ok. We are going to work on that trust issue. In the meantime, I don't know how to get over feeling angry while he is there.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): He is a good decent dad!An hour away travelling means nothing.he loves his girl and will do anything and everything to see his daughter.Six days out of 7- not bad.But what about you? I think you are getting frustrated with all the days he goes to his kid? In the long run what's going to happen?What changes do you want him to make? Are you both living together?Are you certain there is 'nothing' left between his wife and himself?You seem amazed that his wife did not want to tell family that they are separated. Don't be. Many people try prolonging this 'bad news' for as long as possible. Your bf is a good dad, but I think you will tire of this 'arrangement shortly. He is to be admired and cherished because good decent fathers are very hard to come by.Has anyone told his kid that her parents are divorcing?LoveGirl
...............................
|
