A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. I was always aware that his ex was pregnant then later had the baby boy. He was 17 and I was 16. I will admit I was very naive and did not think we would still be together after all this time but he just found out that the child really is his. She played a lot of games in the beginning because she agreed to take a DNA test and then she purposely did not show up. She lied and had an every excuse for not showing up to take the test. The courts told my boyfriend there was nothing he could do until she cooperated. So we stayed together and continued on with our lives. He recently got in touch with his ex and she agreed once again to take a DNA test and she actually cooperated. The child is my boyfriend's son and I'm devastated. I allowed myself to think the child was not his this time because without the DNA that is what I wanted. Within those five years our relationship has become very serious. We were talking about getting married and having a family of our own. I really don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. I love him so much but this hurts so much. Just the thought that he has a child with someone else is unsettling especially because we do not have any children. I love him and I don't think I could just throw what we have away but I just don't know how I'm going to deal with the adjustment. Does Anyone have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really love him, so I am trying to work through this. I feel like I am taking positive steps forward with adjusting to our new life. Some days are better than others but I know this takes time. Thank you for your advice. I believe that everything is going to be okay.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really love him, so I am trying to work through this. I feel like I am taking positive steps forward with adjusting to our new life. Some days are better than others but I know this takes time. Thank you for your advice. I believe that everything is going to be okay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I think your knee jerk reaction is normal but stop and think things through long and hard. Ask yourself, why does it bother you so much that he has a child with someone else, when he has chosen you as his partner? Has his personality changed to where he is not the guy you fell in love with? Does he not love you any more now that he knows the child is his? His priorities will have to change of course now that he is confirmed to be a father. But part of being in a committed relationship - certainly if you are going to get married - is that you both change and grow with each other through life's twists and turns.Since you didn't say anything about him changing his attitudes toward you, I assume that it is primarily you who feels this child is going to be a problem to your relationship. It seems like only you are devastated by this news, not he.Just because he has a child with someone else, how does this in any way stop you and him from getting married and having children of your own with him? This is the 21st century. Many people marry more than once. People get divorced and remarry. Children are often involved. "blended" families are common. People make it work. Family is family. If he is going to be your husband, this child will be your step-child. You WILL be a family, even though the child is not biologically related to you. And this does not stop you from having biologically children with him in the future either.Now unless the ex is coming between you two trying to get back in his life, I really don't see why it is a problem for you and your boyfriend's future together that he already has a child. You've sorta known about this all along so it's not a complete shock out of the blue as if he lied to you or anything.women (and men too) who can't accept the children from their mates' pasts are being territorial. You are saying, I only want MY OWN flesh and blood in my life. If the child is not related to me by blood, I don't consider him/her family. This is selfish. Family is whoever you love and are committed to. If you marry him then you and him and this kid WILL be a family. What's so bad about that since you wanted to have a family with him anyway? And again, how does this in any way prevent you and him from getting married and having your own biological kids together??However if you are concerned about his ex becoming a problem, then this is an entirely different issue that can be a deal breaker in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Your relationship has changed forever now. He has a child and that child is going to be more important than you. Sorry but it is. Lot of women cannot handle this so refuse to be in a relationship with a man with children so the choice is yours but I am telling you, it will get to you more over time.
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