A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my bf of nearly 4 years have been on and off for a few months as he keeps messaging other girls and lying to me. He blames this on the fact that I am a 'control freak' by which he means I don't care for him getting drunk and trying to buy random girls drinks. Anyway I know I am better of without him but my issue is this; I have always deep down known he has a fat fetish but it has come to light that it is more serious than I thought and he has multiple profiles on dating sites which he claims where only virtual. Although I do not believe he ever met any of these women I feel so hurt simply by the existence of the profiles as I personally would feel so guilty! He has had them the entire time we have been together. I cannot understand why he would find 28+ stone women attractive I am more like 10stone and I find these websites seedy and morally wrong as the men are all there to peeve and the women exploiting themselves for attention. It makes me physically sick that he would choose to look at them rather than me and although I know some people may tell me I am being unreasonable i lived with the knowledge he liked it for 3 years but after finding the dating site and him finally admitting his fetish to me I can do nothing but cry. I am never going back to the relationship but ignoring the link between his bad previous behaviour and this issue has anyone ever gone through something similar and managed to not be depressed for the rest of their life??? Dramatic I know but he meant a lot to me for a long time and the end of the relationship + the reveal of his secret life and having nobody to talk to about it is making me miserable.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 July 2012):
 It's not about the weight... truly although you don't understand how men find fat women attractive...as a formerly fat chick I can tell you there are many men out there that for many reasons want heavy women.
The issue for you as I see it is you feel betrayed. And you should He lied to you. He kept a secret life from you for a long time and you feel betrayed and untrusting. He’s left you with a lack of trust in men, in relationships and in yourself and your judgment.
He lied. He’s cheated (if not physically then emotionally, mentally and morally.
YouWish is correct, insert any type of person into the slot where it’s overweight women… use black women, Asian women, men… conjoined twins… does not matter… a secret life is a secret life and it undermines the entire relationship for many reasons on many levels.
BUT! And this is the IMPORTANT thing… this was NOT EVER about YOU or your LACK of anything…
We can talk about it here…. The betrayal is what’s killing you… the lies… the fact that his behavior has forever colored how you will view and trust folks from now on…. He took your trust away… it’s a precious thing and he ruined it for you.
There is a great book called “A FINE Romance” by Judith Sills… it really was a very good read for me many years ago and helped me learn that Romance and relationships ARE NOT PERSONAL…. It’s really about what each person brings to the relationship…
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (10 July 2012):
 I totally agree with what "You Wish" said
He may have a personal preference for overweight women, but that really isn't the issue. He is cheating on you, and cheating is cheating, regardless of the physical attributes of the person he is doing it with.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Okay, truthfully, in the scheme of things, weight means nothing here. He is disloyal and he cheats on you. Whether these women are fat or thin makes no difference. If he's dating other women, buying other women drinks, and that, this is no "fetish". He should be brought to task for his disloyalty, and if he doesn't stop, you should drop him.
What if his secret life wasn't overweight women? What if it were other thin women? What if it were men he was into? You need to remove all thoughts of "fetish" from your line of action on this, because it's easy to deny that he's truly cheating on you by saying he's just fixated on something that seems "disgusting" to you. In reality, he needs to come to grips with the fact that being in a relationship means that he can't do certain things with other women.
It's *NOT* a fetish. It's cheating.
It's *NOT* a fetish. It's cheating.
I'll say it again so you can open your eyes and drop the cheating jerk:
IT'S NOT A FETISH! HE IS CHEATING ON YOU!
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Ok sweetie..Firstly you say four years with your boyfriend that's a blooming long time, we all have a little of the control freak I'm us - if we're honest...BUT and this is a big but... If he is at networking events and buying girls drinks, if he is at a bar and a nice girl has been waiting before him and he buys her a drink because he is severed before her because the bar guy happens to be gay (happened to me before I've thanked the guy offered to pay and he's been a gentleman whisked me a nice might) then we could forgive him - that's not the case here.Going to be hard to walk away but you can do it!!!You will grow from this, I was in a in a similar situation only with my size UK 12 figure I was suddenly too fat,.. He wanted a size 6. I had six years of hell was a six six at 6ft (desperately sad) myself -trying to be what he wanted me to be - got there and hated him. I'm now so very happy and believe me it feels like horrible right now but you will be all good - and if it's going to be so difficult you can't cope I will give you my personal email if you write to me on the message service xx
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