A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a bit of a turmoil here. I have just gotten herpes from my BF. It seems that he had it all along but didn't want to tell me because he thought I wouldn't want to be with him if I knew about it. There was once when he had a bump on his area and he said that we shouldn't have sex because it could be herpes and he doesn't know and doesn't want me to get anything. So we didn't have intercourse until the bump was gone. Then last week we had intercourse and the bump appeared right after we were finished. He said it wasn't there before we started and I didn't see it either. I was a little worried thinking maybe i could have gotten something off him, then a few days later i start getting very itchy and sore in my genital area. Everytime we had intercourse it hurt and then it started hurting me when i urinated etc. I did make an appointment to see the doctor but the earliest is in a weeks time but i do have all the symptoms of genital herpes. Anyway so I confronted him and asked him if he knew all along and he eventually told me he did. He told me he went to the doctor and the doctor told him not to worry about it too much and that he may have outbreaks every so often. And that a person can only get infected if he has an outbreak. So he said thats why he didn't worry about it too much and was naive about the whole thing. He said thats why he made sure we didn't have intercourse while he was on an outbreak. I had also asked him a few times when we had first met whether he had any stds and when was the last time he was checked etc he told me its been a little while but he knows he doesnt have anything. I believed him because I trusted him and he always told me that he will be honest with me even if its something I dont want to hear. Thats what I loved about him the most. Anyway now i just feel that I dont trust him because if he kept that from me what else can he keep from me. And i just feel what he did was selfish, I have this for the rest of my life. He's the only guy that Ive ever felt such a strong connection with, we have so many things in common, he's always treated me with such respect, we have good communication and just generally what the same things in life. I am not sure what to do from here because trust is a very big thing for me but at the same time he's everything I ever wanted in a guy. What are your thoughts on the situation?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): Its pretty convenient how he knew that he had the virus but he didn't know he was risking spreading it. I don't buy it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 June 2012):
 Since he had bad medical info from the doctor about not being able to spread the herpes when he was not in an outbreak, is it possibly he truly did not consider Herpes an STD (I know it's a far stretch but sometimes people amaze me)
I know that when I have had STD testing it comes up clear but then a pap smear shows "cells consistent with HPV" and it's NEVER occurred to me until just this second that I really should have disclosed that with partners.. and yet here I am highly knowledgeable and educated realizing that all these years I've said "I'm clean" Oh how mortifying for me to realize this! Wow.
OTOH, IF he knew it was an STD even if he THOUGHT he could not transmit it to you he had the responsibility to disclose this to you and let you make the choice about how to proceed sexually.
I'm a huge believer in talking about things... this may be the ONE thing he was not truthful about for various reasons that only he knows... but my take on it is that you owe it to yourself (and possibly to him) to TALK openly and as calmly as possible about why he lied (if he actually did) and what was going through his head and how angry and hurt and distrustful you are.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (9 June 2012):
 Hi,
Reading your post made me so angry. You sound like a genuine person. You are nice, smart, you did everything right, yet you have to deal with this. I am hoping is nothing serious, but being realistic sounds like you are right about your own pre-diagnosis. I feel the same way about trust. To me in any relationship, trust is all the matters and I do take very seriously. The truth is that he betrayed you, and once the trust is broken, it's almost impossible to repair. Because of his selfish act, not only you have to deal with the possible STD, he has you wondering what else? You mentioned he's nice, you guys have lots of things in common, but is that all true? I wish you the best, and my advice, trust your gut feeling!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way I'm a female, I dont know why it says I'm a male!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): Not remotely forgivable IMHO. Dump him and never look back.
There are effective blood-antibody tests that reveal who is carrying Herpes, but these tests are not normally done as part of STD screening. Since Herpes cannot be cured, our society has basically chosen to remain ignorant and keep letting it spread.
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