A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I waited to see if he would remember, and when he didnt I sent him a text at the end of the day saying the days date. I was expecting him to say sorry and then try to make it up to me in some way.Instead, he sent me a message which was completely unlike his usual self. It said he "f'd up everything" just like he does "every time" he completely hates himself, and I might as well just "kill him' because he just wants to die.He doesnt mess things up all the time, thats over exaggeration. The message was quite dark and scared me. Is this some kind of emotional blackmail? Because if so, its working. Im more worried for his state of mind now then hurt over what happened.I just wanted a regular apology. How do I approach him about this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): for me this comes under the heading of "failing a secret test". wouldn't it have been far more enjoyable if you had mentioned your birthday before the day so your boyfriend and yourself could have celebrated together instead of setting him up and waiting to see if he failed, resulting in you both getting upset?
try communicating rather than waiting to see if he lets you down.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Ehh.. I think he is trying to make you feel sorry for him, when HE was the one who screwed up.
Call and talk to him.
However, I could not date someone who pulls a "woe is me" when they F up. That is just a little too "emo" for me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I agree he’s being manipulative and it gets old fast. My ex did that to me and I hated it. I used to then so to him after years of that crap “go ahead and kill yourself but don’t do it here and leave a mess for me to clean up”
Don’t feed into it at all.
You tell him “yep you did f up. And you owe me an apology” and leave it at that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): hate it when men do that put it back on them to make you feel sorry for them! tell him yes you have fudged up and ask how how the hell is he going to make it up to you! hes very lucky that your nice i would have hit the roof lol
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Actually, what he's doing is a form of manipulation. He's the one that screwed up, yet his overboard display of self-loathing is intended to get you to feel sorry for HIM. He doesn't mean a word of what he's saying, but rather it's to get out of having to apologize and make amends.
He's basically trying to turn the whole thing around so that instead of being really upset AT him, as you rightfully should be, he's trying to get you to feel sorry for him and treat him really nice.
A good response would be to not be moved by what he said. In effect, your response could be "well, you're f***ing up your chance to make his right by this reaction."
If he repeats the whole "I want to die" thing, tell him that if he means it, you are duty bound to call the police, adult protective services and his loved ones to keep him from harming himself.
All of this can be done without the pity he's wanting to illicit from you.
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A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 it seems like he's not connecting with you and has too much on his mind. talk to him and ask what is on his mind, communication is the key. if that goes badly, then i suggest you should reconsider your relationship as it doesn't seem like he has time for you. you deserve better.
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