A
female
age
41-50,
*iss penny
writes:My boyfriend and I went on a weekend away with another couple that have been friends with us for years. In a drunken spell, my boyfriend and the other guy decided to experiment and gave each other blow jobs (without us girls knowing this). Later the other girl found pictures of this event on her boyfriend's phone and told me what had happened. At first I wasn't shocked...it was just something random that happened, right? He assured me it was a big and stupid mistake and he said he was very sorry. We decided to never speak of it again and to go on as normal. But now, months later I can't cope and don't know how to deal with this. I feel hurt and angry and the fact that we can't talk about this bothers me a great deal. We aren't even sleeping together anymore because even the thought of sex seems sleazy. I can't look the other couple in the eyes because I feel guilty for what my boyfriend has done to them. Please give me insight as to why a straight guy would do something like this and just go on as normal. What can I do to get my head around this and have a healthy relationship again?
View related questions:
blow-job, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, miss penny +, writes (21 July 2008):
miss penny is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice and insight. It seems that I will have to bite the bullet and face this problem head on!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Eeek. What a difficult question. So your boyfriend and her boyfriend got really really drunk and basically had a sexual encounter with each other. And they took pictures? How could they take pictures of this, weren't they otherwise occupied? They must have been drunk out of their minds. But if they were really so drunk, they wouldn't have been able to get it up, I think, so they might not have been that drunk.... but pictures? Sounds like they wanted to get caught?
Look, what it boils down to is this; your boyfriend cheated on you. Yes, he cheated on you. It could have been a woman who was caught by pictures they took together.
I don't blame you for still having problems with this. Your boyfriend probably thanks you for not bringing this up again. But you know what? This hasn't gone away for you. This is still a big worry and I don't blame you one bit.
Not only did he cheat on you, with a friend, he's also called into question his sexual orientation. And this cannot be an easy thing to live with. Who knows if he's been lying all this time and that really he'd rather be with men? Maybe societal and family pressure makes him stay with you, and try to keep the relationship going so that no one will question his sexual orientation.
What a dilemma.
I'm not really sure why you said this. "I can't look the other couple in the eyes because I feel guilty for what my boyfriend has done to them." What is it that your boyfriend has done that the other guy in this equation hasn't done?
I don't blame you for not being able to look them in the eyes. I'd probably want to gouge the other guys eyes out and tell him to leave my boyfriend alone, just as I would if there were photographic proof that my boyfriend was cheating on me with another woman. I'd also be so embarrassed that I wouldn't want to ever talk about it again.
So I think that you do have some legitimate concerns, and that not talking about it and pretending it never happened is not going to fix this.
Your boyfriend does need to explain this and be willing to talk about the damage this has done to you and the fact that you can't be together in a sexual loving way again. This is not good.
There are some deep issues to be resolved here and either you face them together and with some help or your relationship is doomed to this very strange stalemate you've reached. It's really not your fault, and you shouldn't have to 'wrap your mind around this' with out some assurances that your boyfriend will not stray again, either with a man OR a woman.
Sorry, time for couples counseling. It's the easy out for me here, but I cannot think of a good reason why you should just let this slide without fully understanding what happened.
Go back to my first paragraphs. Drunk but not so drunk. Why on earth pictures. Hell, he had a sexual encounter with a person other than his girlfriend! That's cheating. That's not what a strong relationship is built on, and not talking about is not going to make it better. And there's nothing I can tell you that will make it go away.
Couples counseling, and prepare to learn things that you wished you didn't know.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarah w  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 whats done is done! bi sexual is clear.you have to move on with life mistake or not if your feeling bad try seek advice.all will be forgot in time.ive heard of spin the bottle but spin the man ! take care x
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 July 2008):
 In my opinion, your boyfriend may not be quite all man, dear. I just think that a true heterosexual is entirely straight about sexual contact and, then there are variations such as bi-sexual. But that's another category. I dislike most "labels" too, but your decision is personal and you should know the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, hurleyflipflop +, writes (20 July 2008):
 i believe that this matter raises some concern to your boyfriends' sexual identity..
i have other guy friends and my own boyfriend of 3 years himself & i know that drunk or not they would NEVER engage in this kind of homosexual behavior..
and what were the pictures doing on his phone after the incident if he was so drunk anyway?? anyone in their right mind would delete them immediately, not leave them for others to find...maybe he's trying to tell you something??
to be honest i don't blame you for feeling like it would be sleazy to sleep with him, i would too...i say move on =/ good luck!!
...............................
A
female
reader, xxkissxx +, writes (20 July 2008):
first thing first chick, why should you feel guilty as it was your boyfriend and the other party that done this not you,so dont go beating yourself up about this k,
secondly does your boyfriend know how you feel if he doesnt i seriously suggest that you talk to him and tell him how you feel as i can see this is ruining your relationship,
you need to think is this worth forgiving snd csn you move on from the fact that your partner received oral sex from a mate,
i hope that you choose that your relationship is worth fighting for and that you can work through things
hope this helps x
...............................
|
