A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and in that time, I feel I have grown up a lot and he hasn't changed much at all. I am now 28, he is 27, and he is still showing no interest in wanting to talk about marriage/kids etc.When I met him we both said marriage and kids was a good 5/10 years down the line, but he is still giving the same answer now after 4 years together. I am starting to get bored with going out every weekend and I have started thinking about buying a house etc (not marriage and kids quite yet, but starting to act like more of a grown up for sure) whereas he isn't close to any of that yet.My question is, should I keep waiting for him and hope he comes round eventually, or do I cut my losses now and move on? I don't want to wait another 4 years for him to still not be ready and find I've wasted even more time. But at the same time I love him too so it's hard.What do you think?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 I know the dilemma you are going through. You've obviously invested a lot of time, energy and emotion into this relationship.
You are definitely at a point in your life where you need to start making hard decisions -- especially when you want children / marriage. As we age, the number of available partners without significant baggage declines... From what little you have given us, it sounds like your boyfriend isn't quite ready to step up to the plate where as you are.
Ultimately, I think you have to decide how important this decision is and whether you want to sacrifice your dreams in exchange for keeping him. He may be stalling, he may be afraid of making a lifetime commitment (with the divorce rate and alimony and child support issues -- what guy wouldn't?), or he is afraid to speak his mind about what he really wants for the future.
Before you make any decision, I think you need to set a deadline for yourself and really ask yourself what you want.
If your boyfriend isn't going to be part of the dream you have for yourself, then ultimately you will wind up bitter and broken hearted. Then I think you need to stand behind your beliefs and start making a definite plan.
Finally and most importantly, make sure this is the man you truly want to spend the rest of your life with. Often times we get into a "plan" that we overlook who we are making the plan with... The rest of your life -- and any children you may make -- will ultimately be effected by your decision.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): You don't put your life on hold for anyone; unless they're off to war, in a coma, or undergoing rehabilitation of some sort. You do not wait for someone with arrested development.
Guys in general are slow to commitment, even slower to consider marriage. If you've set your life-goal to include marriage; then you need to follow your heart. Four years is reasonable time for a couple to solidify a relationship, and make serious decisions for the future. However; you have to consider factors that can effect the success of your marriage.
Is he in graduate school, or paying off student loans? Is he in a dead-in job? Does he have damaged credit? Or is he simply lacking in ambition and coasting along? Weigh the pros and cons to decide if this guy is even marriage material.
Just loving him isn't enough. You're considering having children; and planning the rest of your life together.
If you see too many signs leading nowhere; it will be a pretty easy decision that you need to get out on your own; and start your life in the direction you want it to go.
Don't just marry the most convenient guy available. Make sure you're both on the same page emotionally, and share many of the same values and goals.
If you're an ambitious woman, you'll start to resent him for not showing more self-motivation. You'll begin to nag him, and he'll become defensive and resistant.
So please don't hold out waiting for him to become a man.
He is already a man, he just doesn't want the responsibility that comes with it. Marriage and fatherhood is not at the top of his list of priorities. I think you face the proof of that every day.
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