A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of year and a half just doesn't like public displays of affection and it bothers me. I am a very romantic woman and I like to cuddle, hold hands and kiss in public but he never does any and when I approach him he backs off. I cant understand this as romance is a natural and important part of a relationship for me its a necessity a need to me.the only time hes romantic kisses me is before sex not even during sex. ive never met a man like this before in my life and I have talked to him about it then he tries to be romantic but after awhile goes back to the same routine and then I have to bring the subject up again which seems to cause a row with him when I mention it? I see so many men holding theyre partners hand when outdoors and I feel unloved because of this.does anyone have any advice or solution to this problem? can any men help with this would love to know if they have any idea about this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2018): ashleighkaylin you are so right i just dont feel respected by him not showing romance and just forcing me to have sex in public places
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (17 January 2018):
I'm guessing the sex you had wasn't 'in public' but 'in a public place'. If it was the former you'd both be arrested for indecency. As Andie's Thoughts rightfully points out that is about risk and taboo, not love and romance. I echo her thoughts about kissing. Kissing isn't about sex,it's more about intimacy. Sometimes sex is intimate,sometimes it isn't. The LW is trying to convince us he can do what she wants him to but what matters is him not us.
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A
female
reader, ashleighkaylin  +, writes (17 January 2018):
 Ew! I'm really sorry he wants to do something like that in public places. He sounds like he doesn't respect you at all especially when you say no and he gets upset? It sounds like he doesn't like romance at all but only wants one thing. While my parents don't kiss in front of people, my dad is romantic. He opens doors, let's mom in first, buys her flowers just because and sometimes cooks for her just because. They saved the sex stuff for when they were privately at home and probably when I was out of the house. Any man who wants to do that in public is not only disrespectful toward you, especially since you said no, he's disrespectful toward everyone else. He sounds very selfish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2018): All women need romance as all men need sex. If i stopped giving him sex he would look elsewhere for it so a woman will look elsewhere with no romance. I dont agree its acceptable he is the way he ia. Is it acxeptable not to have sex to him of course not. I feel its selfish of him to want his needs fulfilled and to hell with my needs. Its out of order
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 January 2018):
 ashleighkaylin, I think it's sad for kissing to only be before sex. Kissing is just affection that can become sexual, not something that is always sexual. Sure, making out in front of people is a bit much, unless you're in the right environment for it, but simple kissing (a peck on the lips) in front of kids or family is healthy and not inappropriate. That's one of the reasons so many are cold in relationships, as they haven't been exposed to physical love in a child-friendly way. Kissing is not just for before sex at all.That said, OP, he just doesn't find romance important. Having sex in public is about risk and exhibitionism. Romance is about a deeper, emotional connection with affection and sentimental things included. He's all for the former, but not the latter. You're not compatible, in that way, unfortunately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2018): If hes not comfortable with romance in public why is it he always wants sex in the woods and in public places and gets mad if I don't because I DONT feel comfortable having sex in public ??
That's what I don't understand ? SEX is way more intimate than kissing and holding hands? Yet he doesn't like romance in public but sex is ok ?!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 January 2018):
 It is who he is, you cannot and should not change him just to suit yourself. If you need public shows off affection then you are with the wrong guy!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (16 January 2018):
You have discussed this issue with him. He has attempted to change but always falls back into his normal pattern of behavior. If he is your age he is unlikely to change at this point.
You have two choices: learn to accept that this is who he is and live without the PDA you crave or find another guy.
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A
female
reader, ashleighkaylin +, writes (16 January 2018):
I can see wanting to hold hands in public, but kissing? That's a bit much. To him, and many others, kissing happens before sex. Why would you want to act sexual in public? To him and many others, acts of affection are meant to be done in private. My parents have been married 20 years and I have never once even seen them kiss each other on the lips. Holding hands in public or arm around the waist? Yes, especially when my mom gets too chatty with other men or when other women for some reason flirt with my dad right in front of my mom! I guess I'm saying that I see public display of affection as inappropriate anyway. Or, it's a little possessive. Maybe your boyfriend feels the same way and it's because be respects you that he doesn't hold hands or kiss.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 January 2018):
Read up on different "Love Languages". People feel and show love in different ways. Romance makes you feel loved, but romance is of no importance to him. You're not compatible.
I'm sorry, OP, but a lot of people (men and women) don't like PDA. Some are fine with hand-holding, but draw the line there and won't kiss or cuddle in public, which is fine and not unusual. In fact, some people go overboard in public and are groping each other or making out, which the public don't need to be exposed to! ;)
You need to be with someone because you're well-matched, not because you hope they'll change a fundamental part of them. You're upset because he won't "just be romantic", when he could say the same about you "why won't she change instead?!"
He's just not an affectionate person. Here's a couple of similar examples:
My parents have been together for 23 years. My dad grew up in a household that was borderline abusive and he's not affectionate. My mum grew up in a fairly demonstrative family and she wishes my dad was more affectionate. She stays with him because they love each other and they show it in other ways. She has compromised more than I would, but he does cuddle her on the sofa, every so often, or kiss her before they leave for work. It's not as much as she'd like, but she's accepted it and is happy enough with everything else.
I was with someone who came from an abusive home and wasn't comfortable with affection, nor expressing feelings. Being with me, someone who craves affection and needs to discuss feelings, wasn't always easy. He did adapt, though. We met roughly in the middle. Sometimes it dipped for days/weeks, and other times he was very affectionate without any initiation from me. We loved each other enough to compromise and each had our boundaries, of what would be too much for him and too little for me, that would make us no longer compatible.
You either get comfortable with his level of affection or leave. Personally, I would leave. It's too little for me and I wouldn't be happy. He won't be happy if you nag about affection and one or both of you will resent the other for wanting more and/or giving less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2018): Im just not buying this thing about hes just not romantic in public because he will have sex outdoors in public so why not romance ?!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 January 2018):
 Are you asking us for a way to change your boyfriend's behaviour. Perhaps you should be thinking of changing your expectations. You can change the things you have control over. His upbringing has taught him not to be demonstrative in public. It could change in time.
Do his good points outweigh the bad? Can you live with his being a bit of a cold fish? It's your call.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (16 January 2018):
I'm sorry to say that if this is really important to you, you're with the wrong guy. He has tried to do better by you but he can't make it stick, so any amount of encouragement, complaining,shouting and threatening is unlikely to make anything happen except both of you miserable.If you need an affectionate guy, you'll have to look elsewhere. It's not his fault,it's not that he's not trying hard enough it's just not in his makeup. Someone doesn't have to be wrong for two people not to be right for eachother. He's likely getting frustrated because you are not seeing him the way he is. You're getting frustrated because he won't be the way you want him to be. Dome thing has to give.
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