A
female
age
36-40,
*in2you23
writes:Well I have been with my bf for a few months now. I have noticed that I have been the absolute only on carrying the relationship. I have a giving heart and that sometimes make a me look real stupid. My heart is pure and I tend to give it to the wrong people to take advantage. I thought how ever my man was different. I gave him over 1k during the course of the 5 months together. When he is down I help him and motivate him. I don't allow him to beat himself up. When he was low on funds I helped him out. I was the one who always traveled an 1 hour and a half to go see him. When he was closer to me I still was the only one to see him. He never would say I want to see you he would always say you can come by if you want to. He never says I miss you or nothing. I'm like damn I have been rocking with you I have been here through your down time and ibget nothing. I don't get attention, affection or shit. He craves attention from females and always dying to tell me when another female tries to talk to him. Wtf. I give this man attention and shit is never enough. He complains I talk too much and all. He seems like I annoy him. Advice on how to handle this and how to just stop being taken advantage of. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (13 February 2018):
 The real issue here, it's staring you right in the face.
It's YOU and your absolute caring and giving nature, but you are also quite naive, in that you think that spoiling this guy and doing everything for him is somehow going to win him over.
IT WON'T!
A man who truly loves, cherishes and respects a woman, will always stand on his own two feet and he will always do the chasing and aim to please you, if he really worships the ground you walk on, if he truly and sincerely loves you and wants to be with you.
Do not ever settle for 2nd best, ever!
If you want and demand his respect, then you start respecting yourself ten times more.
I'm sorry to say, but this relationship, it doesn't sound at all healthy and deep down, you know this, otherwise you'd not have written in to DC.
Your bf doesn't sound like a very positive, appreciative, nor hard working individual, from all you state.
If he truly cares about the future of your relationship, then he should make more of an effort, in every facet of your relationship.
If he refuses or fails to do so, even after many more months together, then i would seriously question the entire relationship and it's future survival.
To be honest, i wouldn't even encourage you to wait any longer.
I would encourage you to make more positive changes in your life right now and not waste another precious day of your life with the wrong person, ie: your bf.
If/when you meet your Mr Right, believe me, you will know and you won't even feel the need to be asking anybody else questions.
It really is that simple, but because you've not yet experienced this, you obviously wouldn't know.
Remember, the need to ask strangers questions, means there is definitely something wrong.
Right now, take this guy out of the picture for a moment.
You need to focus on what's best for YOU, on what YOU truly desire and require within a good, strong and healthy relationship.
If you can do this and follow through with real conviction and positivity, then you'll be on a serious winning streak.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2018): [EDIT]:
"If you yourself, have your act together!"
"You're neither his ATM machine, nor a charity organization."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2018): It's not a good practice to bring money and expensive gifts into the picture; when you're trying to establish a romantic-relationship. Timing is a crucial factor.
That's bribing people for affection; and you will blur the lines as to how much they care for you and what you can provide materialistically. Your purse is an incentive.
Never set yourself up to be anybody's "sugarmama," or you will get played. Perhaps I'm wrong, but you seem to pour it on too thick with or without the extra financial-benefits.
Sweetheart, you're a loving and giving person. You aim to please and make people feel special. That's what you want in return. You're not getting it, because you really don't know the man you're giving it all to. You've been dating only a few months. You have to evaluate the new person in your life to be sure there is consistency in emotions, and mutuality in the relationship. Before you jump in with both feet, you have to know where his or your feelings come from, and how they are justified. Are they equivalent?
He has to demonstrate and prove his worthiness. You reward him "emotionally;" as his positive-feedback and positive-reinforcement increases, and he proves proficiency in meeting the majority of your needs. This takes some time, more than a few months. It you yourself, have your act together! We assume you're confident and secure as a person.
You have to recognize his moods and habits. Know where the man stands on things, study the full spectrum of his emotions and their authenticity. From how he shows joy and affection; to how he deals with anger, and displays his temper. Then measure the range of his temper and consistency of his normal temperament. Does he fly of the handle, show too much aggression, does he seem patient and slow to anger? Then you can justify your feelings, open your trust, and lavish this person with all the love and affection you think he deserves. That's why you have to pace your feelings.
It has only been a few months, and basically you've seen nothing but his troubles. He doesn't seem to decline your financial assistance out of typical male-pride, and a strong sense of independence, as he should. He's a broke-wimp with troubles. A rescue-puppy, and a fixer-upper boyfriend. I can smell loser and reject from here!
Girlfriend, comeback down to earth!
You're an experienced, mature, and intelligent woman. Where's your objectivity? You're not some love-struck teenager!
Sorry, sweetie, but I've got to give you some hard-love here.
A real man would not take money from a woman, and would refuse it out of pride and wanting to show her that's not what he wants from her. If he's in debt, or having financial troubles, on top of all those other red-flags. It should have stood-out he's not good with money. You always need to bail him out of some kind of financial-issue.
You're childishly-infatuated, and you seem to have a way of over-romanticizing. You smother with love and you don't really wait to get your share in return. You want to be in-love so badly that you're trying to direct and produce your relationship like a play or a movie. If the real chemistry and mutual-attraction is there; nature will take its course, and things will naturally fall into place. Without a lot of contrived or one-sided effort.
The only real effort required from both of you, is to make sure you're reading each other accurately; and you're not too caught-up in fantasy. Don't get so overcome with passion or your hormones to the degree you don't see the forest for the trees.
Slow your roll, girlfriend! Dump this guy immediately! Two major reasons are slapping you in the face!!! He doesn't reciprocate any affection; and he needs to get his finances in order "before" he decides to commit himself to a romantic-relationship. Your neither his ATM machine, or a charity organization. If you want to be somebody's benefactor; choose a charity. Not your menfolk!
Don't blame it all on him, if you're making it rain like a rapper at strip club. You've got to stop glamorizing love and approach relationships like an adult. You must stop giving when you don't receive the same affection and attention in return. Demand respect, attention, and reciprocity from men; or dump them. Or, don't complain!
Date men able to hold their own. Men who show fiscal responsibility, have corrected all their past issues, and men who don't add complications to your life. Instead they enlighten you and lift you up! Freely and vigorously demonstrating how much they really want you in his life, and appreciates being a part of yours.
Using your money will not compensate for the shortcomings in your character, make you more desirable; or hide your flaws and insecurities. It will not heat-up passions or strengthen your bond. It will only open the door to opportunists, gold-diggers, scoundrels, and scammers.
Flashing cash is a common tactic used by unattractive rich old-men, or wealthy disgusting weirdos and creeps, to bait young pretty females (or sex-workers) who otherwise wouldn't give them the time of day. It's now a tactic being adopted by well-heeled older-women (the derogatory/popular-term is cougar); but the outcome for them is worse than that for men. The double-standards of gender don't give them the same advantages. Unless you're extraordinarily crafty and have a black heart. Jigalows and players have the advantage of physical-strength; and may resort to violence in retaliation.
Watch-out how you sweeten the pot. He might get too used to it and not want to let go of it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 February 2018):
 The best advice is to walk away, don't look back and respect yourself so that you don't let anyone treat you like a doormat. If you don't love yourself and respect yourself no one else will either. Don't ever think you can love with money. You can't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2018):
 Why?
Because he isn't with you for you, he is with you for what you can provide.
WHY on EARTH would you spend $1,000 on someone who is a FAIRLY new BF, whom you OWE nothing (in all honesty) and who isn't even giving a single F about you as a person?
You say people have taken advantage of you in the past, but really YOU are the one GIVING someone you are dating MONEY.
Yes, I get helping out someone you care for but to that extend? Why?
It seems more like you are TRYING to buy him and his affections but in return all you get a man who walks all over you.
OP, giving a guy money doesn't MEAN he owes you eternal gratitude and OWE you attention, or even respect.
He KNOWS how desperate you are for having a partner. After all "little sob stories" and your wallet is open!
1. KEEP money out of the relationships. No loans, no hand outs.
2. You CAN NOT carry a relationship on your own. If your partner isn't putting effort into it, it's because he doesn't WANT to. He just can't be bothered.
3. A guy who is SO eager of telling you about ALL the ladies that want him, means he is trying to boost his own "worth" in your eyes. Like he is a PRIZED stud! But really? He isn't. Let ANY of those other women have him.
4. He isn't treating you right. there is no respect here. Because YOU do not respect yourself.
5. You can't buy love.
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