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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend doesn't believe that I lost my virginity to him. But I did.One, he knows that I gave oral sex to a friend (no longer a friend actually) years ago. Two, I lied to him about this. But of course I came clean, that's why he knows. But this makes him not trust me.He believes that I'm lying (because I've lied before) and that it's possible that I had intercourse before, considering I gave oral to someone in the past. He says I may be telling the truth, but that he has his doubts.I lost my virginity to him about two years ago. Yes, we've been together for this long and now it was brought up (we were watching a movie where a guy thought his wife wasn't a virgin). The first time we had sex, I didn't bleed, but I did hurt. I even pushed him away at the first attempt, as an impulse due to the pain. He believes I could've faked this, but I'm not that great an actress, you know?He wasn't a virgin, so I don't see what the big deal is. But what hurts is that he thinks I'm lying about my virginity and that I've deceived him all this time. That such a precious moment is being downplayed by him! Sure I gave oral sex to a guy before, but it was a mistake and that doesn't make me a skank, nor does it make me a person with no values who didn't cherish her virginity.How can I convince him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): tell him it hurt like hell. But thats why u wait til marriage cuz when u commit fornication it is hard to trust each other after words. Dont you feel like he must have some sexual past now too?? so just talk to him about how you made a mistake and would like to wait on doin it again.
A
female
reader, blackberry008  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Do not convince him. If he really loves you, he doesn't need to be convinced.
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A
female
reader, Dipsydoodlenoodle  +, writes (30 September 2008):
He might be looking for a get out clause?
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A
female
reader, Dipsydoodlenoodle +, writes (30 September 2008):
He might be looking for a get out clause?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): I am the same male anon again.
I am not saying that every man has the right to condemn every woman for her past. Most men do not have that right at all. But I am saying that deception gives someone the right to be angry. He was deceived about something that he felt was important to him.
Let me make an example. This is way more extreme but you get the idea.
Do you look down on any man you date who is not a millionaire? You would probably say of course not.
But what if you got married to a con artist who spent 6 months convincing you that he's a millionaire, only to find out once you're married that he's really a poor road worker? You would probably be furious.
If this happened, then are you angry because you judge any man that is a road worker to be unworthy of your love? No, you could have probably dealt with the lower income fine if it had been out in the open all along. But you are still very upset and angry because you got lied to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBTW, even if they know it's not "logical" it still hurts, and makes us women feel like crap about ourselves, and our past choices...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMr. Anonymous male, I've seen you around other topics concerning ladies' past, always justifying this behaviour.
But he wasn't a virgin, he had already received blow jobs, so why does it matter that I'd already given a blow job? And, Christ, I was a virgin!
Why does it matter more that he was "hurt" by this? Gee, my ideal was always to lose my virginity to another virgin, so we'd both be special to each other, but I fell in love with him and even though I knew he wasn't a virgin, I didn't care because it was special to me anyway.
Why couldn't it be the same for him? Plus when we first started discussing sex, I told him I had given oral sex to a guy, what he didn't know was who this guy was. What made him angry was that he knew this guy and I never told him.
Why is it ok for men to get all insecure about a girl's past, but a woman has to accept a guy's past like that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): Telling a guy you're inexperienced and then retracting it later tends to hurt him like hell. This usually hurts him much worse than if you'd just never said it.
He feels like he got burned about you and oral sex, and now he doesn't want to get burned about intercourse too. So he'd probably rather just not believe you about virginity at all. It probably feels safer to him than letting his virginity thoughts get built up, only to be pulled out from under him later.
Do you wonder why he cares about any of your history at all? Well, He's a guy. He's born with a programmed-in feelings about this. I'm sure he knows it's illlogical, but logic has nothing to do with it. Logic doesn't make hurt feelings stop.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): All good relationships are built on trust. He doesn't trust you. What does that say about your relationship?
He wants to believe he was your first, probably as a 'notch on the bedpost' kind of thing, but there's something rattling around his tiny brain that's telling him he wasn't. He wasn't a virgin, so like you, I don't see what there is for him to get so wound up about.
I don't see any need for you to try to convince him that you're telling the truth. You're pissing into wind if he won't accept that you already are.
I suppose you could try to turn the tables a bit by suggesting he was a virgin until he got with you and was just bragging about how experienced he was. You might not be an actress, but I think you could put up a fairly convincing act on that one!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): You shouldn't have come clean about the oral sex, it would raise doubts in people minds, like is she/he lieing about anything else? Just keep reminding him you been dating for two years and that it's insulting he thinks your lieing about being a virgin.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (20 September 2008):
 You boyfriend doesn't value you, no matter how much you persist you were a virgin when you had sex with him. I don't think you should spend excessive amounts of time convincing him. He should trust you. After all, you did come clean about the oral incident.
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