A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend constantly checks out other girls pictures and blogs online and deletes away the browser history.Previously, I have caught him watching porn, he confessed and told me since that incident he did not surf for porn.But now, he checks out other girls even though I have told him I don't like it and it's a matter of respect.When confronted, he swears that he did not delete and did not check out other girls. I am terribly disappointed cos he wasn't being honest. I found out cos he failed to clear all his tracks. This is not the first time we are quarrelling over porn, him staring at girls while we were out and checking out girls pictures online.Should I give him another chance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): My suggestion is to dump him. It is unfair of you to force him to change and it is unfair of him to ignore your wishes. That is why my wife and I chose each other as partners of 29 years. We have the same likes and opinions on all important things. Trying to change someone on something like porn or looking at other men or women is normally a futile attempt that just results in unhappiness for both parties.
There are so many questions where women can't stand their partner watching porn or a man can't stop his girlfriend from talking about her past boyfriends or either can't stand the other looking at other men or women or whatever. When these types of things happen that hurt the other partner then it is just better to give up on the relationship and for both people to find a partner who they are more compatable with. Sometimes people come to a compromise, but most times the relationship fails. Why just put off the inevitable.
Compromise is the only answer to problems like this. If you think you can both reach a compromise then go for it and see if it works. However, if your idea of compromise is for him to do exactly what you want then this problem is just the first of many unresolved problems that will crop up over time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Hi,
this is the original poster. I didn't catch him on porn again. But he confessed that he was checking out IT show babes when he was on the phone with me. And he said that he did that cos he was bored. I mean... he was on the phone with me! he was doing something right. It's like he's being disrespectful right under my nose. He has violated my trust again and again.
Everytime he promised to change. I trusted him. What wrong with being happy with me and not checking other girls out.
I have never check out other guys. Is it really that hard to be faithful with one's partner?
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A
female
reader, ou4that  +, writes (17 August 2008):
I know you can easily feel insecure about this.. Its something that most man do at some point in their life. Men are curious. It doesnt mean he will act on it or think of you any less.
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A
male
reader, quacks +, writes (17 August 2008):
 I have just thought of something else I heard recently and dont know if it helps but here goes..
People who watch friends watch it and like it becasue its like life porn.. by that i mean its viewing people living their perfect lives that are just too good to be true and it becomes a sort of fantasy of how some people want their lives to be. At the end of the day though its only actors playing a role who go home and have bumpy lives like the rest of us and no one lives a life like that for real. Porn is like a bedroom version of friends. Everyone likes to have good sex with their partners but somehow by watching it it, again it becomes too good to be true and a kind of fantasy played by actors. It's just as fake as friends but like real life no one really has sex like that either... I suppose what i'm trying to say is that it's only a form of fantasy escapism just as sitting down to watch an episode of friends is
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A
male
reader, quacks +, writes (17 August 2008):
The problem is that porn is so widely available now that anyone can easily have access to it. On the whole in todays society porn is something viewed not only by men but women also and in many households is an acceptable thing to view (in moderation or shared together) . By making a big issue out him looking at it will never stop him only make him more secretive and better at covering his tracks. Ask yourself if being in a relationship with someone who looks at porn is crossing your lines of respect then only you have the ability to know what to put up with and when to walk away. However if your boyfriend is looking at dating sites then i'm affraid your relationship could be in bigger trouble. Porn is accesible to view but if he has a profile logged on a dating site then he he makin himself available elsewhere... If anyone will have him that is! Time to move on perhaps?
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A
male
reader, borna +, writes (17 August 2008):
by nagging and complaining to him, you're just making him insecure and feel guilty about being pervert. stop enforcing your moral code on him.
There are probably some sexual fantasies that he does not get from you or find it difficult to ask you for. The best is to ease your obsession about watching and policing him first. As you show a relaxed and friendly face, then you should also start getting into his fantasies... and the way that he likes you to dress, etc. if he doesn't give you much feedback, then try various things on your own. These things require efforts on both sides and most of things should happen through subtle actions aimed to attract.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): I think its easy for people to say 'oh thats just what men do'. Well actually there is a time and place and to be honest I get the feeling its his way of 'straying'. Why is it that certain seemingly harmless networking websites with pictures of peoples faces on is now used in courts as evidence for divorce cases? Because its easy to cross the line for people from just harmless looking to just harmless chatting to just harmless meeting up. Surely he should be paying you more attention - or doing something else more useful with his time? Yeah sure if you guys are into porn go for it - but he should not be making you feel undermined and you have said how you feel so the situation should be clear. Maintain your own feelings on what you feel is right and not right because when you start constantly compromising.... your own sense of self and your self esteem gets eroded. If he makes you feel bad and knows it maybe you should find someone that doesn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): I think the problem is that he feels that he needs to keep things from you because you make him feel ashamed. It is actually natural for men to want to look at beautiful women, and to watch porn occasionally. And you know what, some women enjoy it as well.
I think you should consider a different approach. Tell him that you want to watch porn with him. Get some naughty DVDs once per month and just see if it works for you. Also, instead of feeling insecure about him looking at pictures of other women, start looking together! Tell him who you think is pretty, and ask for his opinion. Also tell him what guys you like, and ask him his opinion. Being able to appreciate beautiful people in a relationship is wonderful, it shows that you are comfortable about yourself, and there is nothing more sexy than that.
I think, if you do it in this way, he will not bother doing things behind your back, and you will probably also realise that these actions are quite harmless, and that he does not even consider cheating on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): it's up to you how you want to handle this obviously. some men just cant help themselves but there are also some men who dont have such a hard time keeping their eyes in their heads... if thats the sort you want, youre going to have to move along. doesnt sound like this guy is capable or willing to really change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): Most men have looked at porn on the internet at some time or another - a growing number of women are now surfing the net for porn - it's a fairly harmless pastime. He obviously feels some shame in what he is doing, and probably thinks that you would not approve - it's not ideal that he is looking at porn behind your back - but it's not ideal that you are checking his recently viewed pages behind his. Seems like a lack of trust on both sides. Why not suggest that you view some porn together, ask him what he likes, and ask him what he likes about you, tell him what you like about him, looking at porn together can be a good way of opening up some lines of communication that you never thought possible, if not, at least you tried. Don't get too hung up on him looking at other girls, he is probably is just a regular hot blooded male with an eye for beauty.....he found you didnt he ?
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