A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 11 months. 16 months ago I split up from my husband and went a little crazy, craving attention from absolutely any guy I met. I slept with a few guys but would also get guys numbers and constantly text them and email them as their replies would make me feel wanted. There was even 10 guys I was messaging at any one time. Sad as that is to admit :(When I met my current boyfriend I wasnt what I would say in the right frame of mind to start a relationship so I carried on texting other guys and even went as far as to meet up with one, although nothing happened with this guy at all. I saw him as a shoulder to cry on.3 months into our relationship my boyf found the messages on facebook and I had to come clean about everything. He then wanted to no about my whole past, how may people I had slept with, what they looked like etc. I kept things back as I didnt think it relevant he knew about ALL of my past. We rowed constantly for months and over those months I gradually opened up and told him everything. I was born with problems with my legs and feet and I am extremely self consious.I didnt have much self esteem for a lot of years.Being with my boyfriend, he has really made me sit back and think about what I've done, what I've done to him and the effect it has had on me, him and other people in my life. This has helped me a lot and I am a much better person for this. I no the mistakes I made and I was not a very nice person back then but I have moved on from all that. My boyfriend and I are now expecting a baby, I am 3 months gone.I am basically writing to say that he still constantly brings up the past. He is convinced I have not told him the truth about anything because I lied to him in the past. He even says if I tell him something he doesnt already know then at least that way he knows I'm not lying but I have completely laid myself bare with this guy and I have no more to add.I love this guy to absolutely pieces and want to spend the rest of my life with him but this is absolutely killing me keep going over and over the same thing.He thinks I am being selfish by wanting to brush it all under the carpet but I dont think I am brushing anything under the carpet as we have spent months going over and over everything.I even printed out my phone bills and called loads of numbers so he could see who they were.I just dont no how to make him see I'm not that person I was a year ago and I want us to move on together.
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facebook, move on, self esteem, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (30 November 2012):
If you are not the person you were then why did you tell your boyfriend anything? Apart from the obvious misleading and trust issues you caused there is the nagging fact that in the wrong situation we can easily revert to how we once were.
When a guy says "I'll never do that again" it is met with derision from the Aunts, but when a women says it we all "understand"!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): The other answers are right, you don't deserve to get torn apart for your past and treated like you are now.
But there is another side to this. Everyone else is ignoring all the stuff you did to cause your BF's mistrust. Lying to your BF about your past means you lied to him about who you are. Guess what, that blows a person's trust in you.
Leaving out details that you don't consider "relevant" is further blowing trust. Its not your right to decide what your BF should consider relevant or not. You have the right to your own actions but you don't have the right to decide how another person should feel about them. Your BF has the right to his own opinion. Either tell him the truth about something in your past, or tell him that you will not talk about it. But purposely lying to him or misleading him is wrong.
The fact that your story kept changing just continued to wreck the trust even more.
Personally I don't agree with how your BF is treating you. But I completely understand his total lack of trust in you now. That trust needs to be re-established if the relationship is ever to get healthy. It will not be easy. You need to stop lying to him. He needs to make a decision if he wants to be with you or not, and he needs to be fully informed to make that decision. Then he needs to put this to rest and stick to asking questions that affect you today.
He needs to start trusting you, and you need to start giving him a reason to trust you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 November 2012):
 Hi
So in the 5 months between your marriage ending and meeting your new man you went wild? You dealt with the end of your marriage by seeking male attention. I can understand that,seen it happen to others. But what I think your doing is let this new man punish you for it.
Now if you were confident and self assured you would never allow him pry,spy and judge your past.It was 5 months out of your life,you had been married for years.You do not have to produce proof or explain. You need to deal with your self esteem problems,get help so you can see your tolerance level with him is too high to be healthy.
He needs to address his jealousy and learn to respect you not rule you and put you down.I bet he wasn't a virgin when you met.
Eventually the 2 of you MAY be able to work things out,to get past this.Wish you luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 Why do you feel the need to "get him" to see anything?? Because he snooped and pilfered through your stuff to dig through your personal texts?? Frankly, I think he is the one who needs to prove to you that he treasures you as you are.
You have a weakness. Several of them. He is exploiting them, probably unconsciously, because he has them too. He is insecure, jealous, and controlling. This is working because you feel out of control and unable to stand on your own alone.
You could go through all the hoops for this guy, let him see everything, sacrifice all control, constantly apologize for everything you did in reaction to your divorce, and you still would neither please him, nor save yourself. You have a gaping hole in your heart, and this guy can't help that.
You are not healthy in this relationship or in your life. You need to learn to stand on your own without emotional props. A healthy woman would neither need nor tolerate a man imposing his own will and jealousy and insecurity onto her and causing her to pay for it.
You need some intensive counseling, or you will never become whole. You need to spend time learning new skills, coping with all of those wounds caused by your divorce and even before that, because covering it up with man after man and medicating with men's attention will never help. In a sick way, you're even seeing this horrible treatment by him as "being needed", and you will never heal as long as you do.
You must become whole, because he's doing damage in your life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 Counceling for couples. That would be my best advice. If he can not trust you, then you can not have a relationship. And at this point, it isn't up to you alone to "prove" that you are to be trusted, it is also up to him to GIVE you trust. He needs to give it to you, and then once you've recieved it you must honour it and not misuse it. I am sure you will not text other men again, and that you know what you did wrong. But your boyfriend will not know this until he opens up his heart to you and opens up for you to hurt him again. He needs to open up and let you in, otherwise this relationship can not go forward. That is up to him. He can either mistrust you, and continue to bring up the past arguments, the past mistakes, or he can take the steps needed in order to move on and continue the relationship. That is his choice. The relationship can not continue without trust. A relationship needs trust.
You are not supposed to "make him see" that you have changed. He needs to give you trust blindly, in the HOPES that you have changed. And then, he will have to wait and see if you can honour the trust he has given you. Only then can you show him you have changed, only after he has given you trust again. It starts with him, not you. And this is a big step for him to take, and it is scary because you've hurt him before. But he needs to make a decision: end the relationship because he can not trust you, or give you trust in the hopes that you have changed, and then see if things can move forward from there.
Problem is, if he gives you trust and then you misuse it again, you will shatter him. It is a big risk for him to take. But if he wants this relationship, it is a risk he needs to take. Otherwise he must step away so that you and him can find new partners.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 November 2012):
 YOUR past is just that.. YOUR past. He doesn't need to know every juicy detail of whom you slept with and talked to in order to move on. But he might need to know certain things in order to accept it, for give it and file it away - and since YOU were the one transgressing - you need to be WILLING to meet him halfway.
I understand that he doesn't trust you, but that doesn't mean he OWNS your past somehow.
You two need to figure out how to rebuild the trust that he lost in you because you were less then trustworthy. IF he needs to know WHO those guys were that you talked to while to two of you were together or starting out, I think that is fair - everything else, is NOT going to help him at all.
I would let him check your phone, email if that makes him feel like he can see that you are NOT still calling/texting them.
For you to expect that he should just GET over it is a little ironic in some respects. After all he wouldn't feel this way if you had been honest from the get go.
So I would suggest the two of you sit down and figure out what you BOTH need to do in order to work on rebuilding trust. It doesn't take much to lose trust in a person, but rebuilding can take a long long time.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 Hon, what you do have to understand is that your bf has no trust in you. He doubts everything you tell him or have told him because he caught you lying to him.
I suggest if you really want to work on this relationship you need to find a counsellor who will help both of you work thru your issues.
Read up on the internet about showing remorse, being completely open and honest and understanding why he feels the way he does.
Sad to say, that sometimes even with a lot of hard work trust may never come back into the relationship.
PM me if you want to chat further.
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