A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just found out my boyfriend slept with someone else on Saturday night.Background: We've been together for over a year. Moved in together after a month and although we've had our ups and downs, I've never felt this way about anyone before. A few months ago he moved back to our home town for employment reasons and since then we've gone from living together to daily phone calls and seeing each other most weekends.I'm early 30's, he's late 20's His family love me and vice versa. I've trusted him like I've never trusted anyone before. In fact I never actually did trust anyone before I met him. In the past I've been lied to, deceived and cheated on (and been a cheat too tbh), but with him I was naturally faithful, never even looked at another man and just knew he felt the same way. So I thought.He's not a lascivious type of man, in fact one of the things I've loved most about him is that he does not objectify women in a way that is so common these days. He doesn't leer or even slyly check girls out in front of me, and while I know that he looks at porn for a few minutes now and then to get himself off when we're apart it doesn't bother me because he is honest with me about it. We've always been extremely open, no secrets even when it causes arguments. Our phones are open to one another, we know each others email/FB passwords and he doesn't ever flag up my intuition with suspicious distrustful behaviour. He is a very loving person. He cuddles my granny, spends his day off chopping wood for his invalided grandad. I think he's a good guy. Well, I thought he was. However he has always had an issue with drinking. When we got together I stated clearly that I would only be with him if he got that under control and to his credit he really did. He cut back significantly but as I like to drink in moderation , we would still drink together sometimes and on the odd occasion he would have a blow out with his old drinking buddies, which I never liked but accepted that someone can only change so much in a certain amount of time. Recently an old fling of his from years ago has been messaging him persistently on FB. It irritated me a little as it clearly states on FB he is in a relationship but still she was email bombing him, despite him barely responding except once or twice to be polite. More than anything I felt sorry for her as she is young and has several kids in a blatantly unhappy relationship. She also has alcohol addiction and while she may have been attractive once, she is really physically unappealing now. . Didn't think in a hundred years that she would be a threat. We have a great sex life and Bf, ex-bf, lets call him H, H is a very handsome guy and despite having attractive women often hitting on him I've never felt threatened. I know 100% up to this point he has been faithful. Wish I could explain why but I just always felt we were so right for each other, and nobody else could compete with what we had together. Again, shows what I know.On Saturday night we had an argument over the phone, the first in a while (we've had a rough patch lately due to an unwanted pregnancy and the subsequent termination) and I hung up on him. I knew that evening he was going out to catch up with a friend whom hadn't been out since his gf had their baby, so a lot of drinking would definitely be going on. Still as bad as our argument was, the thought that H would potentially cheat on me just didn't occur. He didn't call me yesterday and I was working anyway so I figured he was hungover and feeling sorry for himself. Left it till today and after my work we talked on the phone and he confessed what happened. He was out drinking at a party, slept with her at someone elses house, can't remember much. Didn't use protection.I am in disbelief . He sounded as shocked as me, apologetic, regretful and angry at himself.In fact he sounds very depressed. He hasn't asked me to forgive him though, just that he's ruined it and that he doesn't deserve me, that he's good for nothing. Which may or may not be true but it breaks my heart worse to hear him say that.I don't know what to do. I know it sounds so pathetic but I still love him and although I can't say I'd trust him to go out drinking again, I still trust him to be honest with me.Am I crazy stupid to consider forgiving him? Has anyone ever forgiven their partner a one night stand and gone on to enjoy their relationship or is that just a ridiculous notion and I'm setting myself up for further grief? Should I cut my losses and flee?FWIW H meets some very, very specific ideals I have in a partner and can't imagine meeting anyone else I feel the same way about. I still love him so if I have to finish this how do I go about making that happen? I actually don't want to lose him, that much is probably obvious but I need guidance on what to do here as I know I'm not thinking rationally. Can't talk to any of my friends or family about this as they would never accept him again and I'm not ready to take that step.
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female
reader, kat_talk  +, writes (23 June 2013):
i might not know much about this but if he really did sound like how you said has done all the things and its a down right nice guy you should be mad but dont brake up if you have told him how you feel about the Situation you should be alright im not saying dont be pissed off just dont brake up
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Hi dont rush into forgiving him. Also you dont know if thi sgirl is pregnant. I suggest you distance yourself from the situation and wait to see if he is going to fight for you.
Dont contact him, dont let him hurt you, you are the only one thta can stop it. Flip the situation, if you had gone off and slepy with an ex, would he forgive you, would he take you back so easily - I dont think so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): You say he is perfect for you but his drinking is an issue. I think you are in denial a bit here, you are concentrating on the positive and putting up with the negative. Now he has slept with his ex through drink - things do not look good going forward. I would not do anything in haste but really consider if you can carry on the relationship that now looks flawed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): You do definitely need to give yourself time to digest what he's done & come to terms with it before you decide to forgive him or not. Last thing you want to do is forgive him straight away & find yourself resenting him throughout the relationship. When someone cheats, they are essentially rebelling against the relationship. The fact that deep down he might not want to be with you is something you have to consider. Personally, I wouldn't forgive him, I know at the moment you're concentrating on what you'll lose if you give up the relationship, but ultimately, you deserve better. I could almost understand a kiss- but sex doesn't 'just happen' even when drunk. You say you can trust him but clearly you can't as he's betrayed you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Hi
Yes I did forgive once, years ago, but he took it as an all-clear to cheat repeatedly so I divorced him. There was distance involved because of his job, but quite frankly that is a weak excuse. As is 'I was drunk'.
I don't know what you can do, but if you decide to forgive then DO NOT do it easily. You need time to digest and come to terms with his mistake. Anyone can say sorry, be remorseful but they have to prove it's genuine.
You clearly love him but he has some serious grovelling to do. He has to re-build your trust in him. When he is away working you will wonder daily what he is up to, who he is with. Its a natural reaction. Don't let him blame you either.
He should have blocked her on FB but he didn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Well he knows he made an unforgivable mistake that is why he is not asking for forgiveness. No, I have never forgiven someone who has cheated on me. Well Ive never had a guy come forward and admit he was cheating but I heard about it threw the grapevine from very trustworthy sources (very close friends). I confronted him and ended it immediately. I have no idea why your boyfriend did this to you considering you both were so inlove. I suspect the distance between you was a big factor. Distance is never a good thing for a relationship.This is one of those times where you have to be really strong. You did nothing wrong. He is the one who violated your trust so it is on him to redeem himself and save the relationship if thats how he feels, not you. If you look past this and take him back (without him begging day and night for months), forgive him (without him asking for forgiveness), its going to be worse for you. You're going to lose respect for yourself and he is going to lose respect for you as well. He's going to think he can walk all over you and you'll always accept it. I think you should tell your friends and family. You're right, they will greatly dislike him. But they will offer you the support and words of wisdom you need right now. Furthermore, if this guy really loves you he will come around and do everything in his power to redeem himself to you and to your family. Right now you need to give yourself time to absorb what happened and deal with it accordingly. I don't think looking past it and accepting what he did is a good idea. Give him time and give yourself time. And do turn to family and friends for support. You'll be better off if you do.
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