A
female
age
36-40,
*manda30286
writes:My boyfriend of a year and a half, who I was supposed to marry, recently told me that he got drunk one night and cheated. Well, I consider it cheating. A girl friend of his called and said she had nowhere to stay, so he told her she could stay at his house. The night ended with them naked in the same room. He stopped before anything happened and told me four days later. I kicked him in the balls and made him throw up when he told me.I feel so betrayed and am completely heartbroken. I haven't eaten in two days and I cry all the time. This is completely unlike him, he has never lied to me before and I have never lied to him. He seems truly sorry and has blown up my phone, written me letters, and left me countless voicemails crying and apologizing. He promises that he will never drink again and wants me back badly. The worst part of this whole ordeal is that I somehow still love him. I can't imagine loving anyone else. I want to forgive him and I have no clue why or even if I should. I'm not planning on getting together with him again anytime in the near future and I'm scared that when (or if) that day comes that I will always hold it over his head. Please give me some advice!!
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male
reader, little_buddha +, writes (4 August 2009):
OK First off you were completely WRONG to hake kicked him in his testicles, and all you women who thank that is something to be congratulated about need to learn to respect men. If the roles had been opposite, as often they are, and a man had responded to his girlfriend confessing the same thing to him by beating the crap out of her you ALL would say he deserves to be in jail. The same thing applies here, so cut the BS double standard.Second. Gee, this is life and there is temptation. He made an error in judgement by letting her stay over, but he DID NOT DO ANYTHING.If you lack the maturity to deal with this type of thing, don't date. You will make your own mistakes and need to be forgiven.So gain some forgiveness, forgive him for his mistake, THANK him for his honestly and give him a HUGE apology for sexually assaulting him. If you cannot respect each other and forgive each other's faults, then you aren't even close to mature enough for a serious relationship.
A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 Give yourself some time to think this over, to clear your head about it. It can take weeks or months, whatever you need. If you then still feel you love him and are ready to be with him again, you must also be ready to leave this behind you and not put conditions to his behaviour in the future, and trust him again. If you come to the conclusion you can’t do that, then I don’t think you should continue with him. Trust is too important in a relationship to compromise with. To forgive is to give trust again. To not trust again is to not forgive. Then leave him and find someone else that will not hurt you like this.
Best Wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): Bravo for the kick in the balls. I don't know if I would have had the guts but I sure would have wanted to.
You still have feelings for him, so maybe it's not time to call it quits altogether.
Have a break of two or three months to clear your head a bit and then decide if you want to get back with him.
And you need to set some ground rules if you want to get back together... some suggestions:
Tell him that he has to completely cut this woman out of his life.
Tell him that he cannot drink unless you are with him *at least until you feel ready to trust him*.
Tell him that he cannot expect you to trust him immediately and that he must be patient with you (and your outbursts and anger- because one day you will feel fine and happy life you can trust him again, but the next you will remember what he did and end up crying and fighting and maybe even giving him another kick- it's part of the process).
Make it clear that you are doing him a favor by taking him back and that if he does even one small thing, tells one small lie or anything else, it is over 100% absolutely (whether or not this is true is irrelevant, he needs to know that you are not going to tolerate any sort of disrespect).
Don't apologize for the kick in the balls.
The good thing is this...
He DIDN'T have sex with her.
He DID tell you (and if he can be honest about something like that- which most men would want to hide- then he is obviously trustworthy enough that he won't lie to you).
He still wants you back after you made him puke (that right there is true love).
Good luck and I'm sorry he did this to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): He seems truely sorry and he says nothing actually happened and he stopped? also he actually told you, most guys wouldn't have told their g/f. If you can get through it, trust him again. Then get back with him, BUT like your doing now, make it clear if he does it again, then your leave! and you must stick too that, if you don't then your a fool. Give him one more chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): 1. Good on you for giving him a kick to the balls.
2. Sometimes we do things that we regret later. A mistake doesn't have to mean the end of everything. I know that this kind of mistake is what we've all grown up to believe is the worst kind & completely unforgivable, but sometimes it is JUST a mistake... and doesn't define the person or what they'll be forever more. Try and think about the mistakes you've made before. Ok, they might not be as bad, but try & think of a time when you've screwed up royally (perhaps at work or with a friend) and you've been truly, truly sorry.
What if you were never given a second chance?
If he is truly sorry and you are truly certain that it will never happen again, forgive him.
I would think that he is truly sorry -- namely because he did stop before anything happened. If he was able to stop himself at that point, that would've taken a lot of willpower which means he made a conscious decision to stop whereas a lot of guys wouldn't have made such a deliberate choice -- they would've let themselves get carried away in the moment.
You won't forget, but if you DO decide to forgive you must be complete in that --- that means you CHOOSE to not dwell on it or throw it up at him in every fight you have from then on. You CHOOSE to put it behind you completely. You must make that commitment to yourself so that you don't hold it over his head.
IF you can't do that, that means you can't forgive & you will have to say goodbye.
Best of luck.
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