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female
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*oungun
writes: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months now. The relationship is a pretty good one--we enjoy each other's company, laugh, joke and talk a lot, we share a lot of the same interests and hobbies, don't argue a whole lot. He is very moody, however, and the space of liking each other before actually seriously dating was almost two months because he had cold feet over whether or not he should commit to a one-on-one dating relationship. This is, technically, his first 'serious' relationship, and his first relationship that has lasted over a month. The issue of commitment didn't crop up again until recently, when he will say things like "I think I miss the butterflies in the stomach feeling. I love you, but I'm not used to settling down. So it's taking getting used to." and "At the same time I miss the mystery and allure of getting into the relationship anew." I don't know how to respond to him. I'm not marriage-driven or even very clingy, but if I am going to put this much of my heart and energy into a relationship, I don't want to be worried all the time about him arbitrarily deciding that he wants to enjoy the rush of a new relationship and breaking up with me. What should I say, and how should I be responding to these sorts of comments?
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female
reader, Isabel Byers  +, writes (9 April 2007):
If he didn't love you, then he wouldn't be with you, so I think you don't have to worry about that.The whole committing thing depends on alot of factors. For instance, how old he is? Is he financially stable etc.Being in a good place career wise is very important to men. They want to feel like they are in a good place financially and they have something to offer their commited partner. He may just not be ready and that has nothing to do with his love for you. He could be with the Angelina Jolie and he'd still may not be ready. You either can wait-Continue having fun and enjoying your time together and their is a chance he will feel differently. You could take a break, break up. Its your decision. But before anything, talk to him again.Ask, if he can see you in his future at all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2006): Yes, he does sound quite immature. If he is this undecided now, there is a very good chance that he will decide to go off in search of new "thrills" aka infatuation - that's what is behind the butterflies in the stomach feeling, and the "mystery and allure" of new relationships. Infatuation CAN lead to real love, but not always.You could either ask him to be committed, or not - unfortunately, doing that is liable to end in "not." Seven months should be enough time for him to know if you're "the one", and you need to think seriously about what you're willing to put up with. Time for him - and you - to "fish or cut bait" as the saying goes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): At the very least, you should be expecting his respect and his honesty. You are wise to hold back on your heartfelt feelings here, hun. When a guy tells you "I love you but...." that's a clear indicator he's uncertain and he's hedging bigtime. I would think that after seven months, either he's into this this or not. I think you are going to need to ask him and tell him to be upfront and honest, that is the least he can do. It is either a yes or no situation. If he cannot do this, then you need to put some of your own feelings, in the forefront here. I'd bail and go find someone else who wants to commit to a loving, honest relationship and will treat you like a queen, instead of being wishy washy and immature. Good luck.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (27 July 2006):
 You don't tell us how old you both are, but he sounds a tad immature to me, even though he has been honest with you, he has left it a bit late in the day to tell you that! He will miss out on a hell of a lot if he goes through life just selfishly latching on to the next big thrill. I would keep him at arms' length if I were you, (which I admit I am not), and I do appreciate it is easy for me to say when you are in this deep, but I feel you are in for a big let-down if you give your heart and soul to him, at least until he grows up a bit..Ask him - and make sure he really knows in his heart of hearts - if he truly loves you, what it is that has kept him with you, and if he can imagine what life will be like when you are not around, full of shallow encounters with no soul. If he does not answer in the way you wish, well I would say leave him to his own devices for now. Just tell him to think of you when someone he loves does this to him. I do wish you well - and that the silly boy comes to his senses and realises that a love such as yours does not just blow in on the breeze!
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