A
female
age
30-35,
*hatewinter
writes:Ok so I have been seen this guys for almost 4 years now. On and off at first (we broke up 4 times and both went looking somewhere else. But would still kept in contact and talk about who we have been sleeping with, then have sex together. Unless one of us was still dating someone else). About 1 year + ago we finally decided to go to the next step and moved in together. We have a really good communication and I offered him the option of been monogamous or not. He choose monogamous seen as he cant handle the idea of me with an other man. However he loves flirting and has no self control... So he decided to cut facebook as he felt was the main place he was using to speak to other womens... Now we are getting serious and im about to move to a new town with him + he bought an engagement ring (he cant keep a secret). But last night he had a boys night and I know he cant control alcohol at all, i had specifically asked him not to be waisted as we had a busy day planned today. He promise he would not be, then got waisted, sniffed coke and took speed (he never takes drug unless he hangs out with this specific friend so i usually dont mind but coke is a first for him). And did spend the night flirting with a girl. I am very easy going and our life is good but I dont trust him drinking and I dont want a end up in a place 5 hours plane drive away from home with someone that cant keep is promises. My biggest issue is his alcohol problem because he will act first and tell me after (while crying). How can he learn to control himself? Is it fair for me to ask him not to drink ever again if he cant stop at the tipsy level (he as never been able to just drink a few beer or to not finish a hard liquor bottle)?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): This man took Coke and Speed and yet you see his main problem is alcohol?
People do anything, do crazy crazy things on those drugs...do you have any idea how damaging and mind-f*ing they are?
Sorry but you would be lucky if alcohol was your biggest worry in this case. A lot of guys will drink a little too much on a guys night. But only seriously bad news or incredibly stunted in maturity level will be taking dangerous or deadly drugs.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 If he cannot accept that he has a problem with alcohol then there is nothing that can be done. He needs to help himself. Off course you can ask him to give up alcohol but if he does it or not is a different story.
You need to accept that if he goes drinking he is going to get wasted. No point asking him not to. No point giving out to him. You just need to accept that is what is going to happen if he goes out drinking.
So yes I think you need to talk to him and tell him the relationship is only going to work if you BOTH give up alcohol. Now I know you might not have an issue with alcohol but if you ask him to give up then it makes it easier if you do the same. If he refuses then you need to ask yourself do you want to be with someone who has a drink problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016): Honeypie I can count on one hand how many time he took drugs in 4 years. And yes the main issue is the alcohol. Im not sure on how to make him understand and fix the fact that he has a problem, he knows he always end up hurting someone around him in the process and he drinks because he is bored... And anonymous we do have a good communication, we talk about it very easily; he just had options and made a decision. Job wise i'm safe. We live together, he just need to move with his work so I'm thinking of following.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016): He told you that he wanted a monogamous relationship with you, because he can't handle the thought of you with other men, but guess what? I don't think he has any plans to change what happens on HIS side of the relationship. He wants you to stay faithful to him, but, by his behaviour so far, looks like he has NO intention of staying faithful TO YOU. He cries when he confesses to make you think he's seriously sorry. I call BS. You can ask him all you like to behave in the way you want him to, not flirt, not drink, etc etc, but I bet you your bottom dollar, he won't listen to one word. He sounds as if he has a problem with drink and drugs and then when he's out of it, looks like he's going to have a problem with other women as well. Don't move away with him would be my advice, unless you enjoy a rocky ride. Straight back home probably.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 December 2016):
 You have a bigger issue with him drinking than taking drugs? Seriously?
With alcohol, you usually know what a person is putting IN their body, with drugs? You have no idea. The person selling them might say it's coke and there might be traces of coke in it, but it can be laced with a mission things which can result in anything from brain damage to death.
However, someone who CAN NOT control their drinking and stop at an " I got a nice buzz going" can often have issues overall with alcohol. And if he can't control the drinking, do you REALLY think he can control drug use either? People like this have impulse control issues. And while you can ASK him to NEVER drink again, I'm not sure he can stick to it UNLESS he recognizes that he has a problem. (which I don't know if he does).
Do you have a job lined up when moving there? Will you have an income so you CAN get home if it doesn't work out?
And if he lives 5 hours away, how much time have you spend IN person with him?
I think you need to have a LONG and serious talk with this guy before moving 5 hours away.
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