A
female
age
30-35,
*ousepad
writes:Okay, this is really hard for me to ask, and I really need some outside advice and opinions.My boyfriend and I are pretty much the ideal couple. I'm not just saying that, we really are. We would never lie to each other, we are best friends, we have so much fun together, we are just wonderful together. We've been together for two years, and best friends for 3. Now, this is the hard part for me. I'm not sure what to think. And I really hope I can word this right. He sometimes likes to pretend hit me. Like, if I say something bad, jokingly, he will get a fake mad look and pretend like he's about to slap me. He would never really do it, but it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes he gets overly mad at things. Sometimes he actually is abusive (if that's what you call it) but it's with little things. It's like, he'll flick me or grab my hand or pinch me or something. Small things, but they just make me uncomfortable. I've given him sooo many lectures and had so many talks with him about this stuff, and he always feels so guilty and says how he doesn't mean any harm (he honestly really doesn't), and he says he'll fix it. But then, it never changes. Then, sometimes he has the nerve to say things like that I'm overreacting, and that girls who were actually REALLY getting abused would think I'm crazy for complaining when he tickles me and holds me down, just things that make me uncomfortable. My take on it is... if it makes me uncomfortable, then he should want to stop. He shouldn't try and justify it. I love us together, and that's why I put up with this. I know how stupid that sounds, but I just don't know. I feel like we have this crazy mix of being the perfect couple, and then randomly that stuff. And I've never told anyone about it, because I KNOW what they would say. I tell me boyfriend "If you're mom say you treat me like this, she's be appalled." Or same with if I told my mom. I just really think he has anger problems. Of course, he's never actually hurt me, but I just see them as warning signs and it come across as if he doesn't respect me. But he honestly is the sweetest guy ever, he's a great guy and we're so much alike. I just don't think he understands what he's doing, which brings me to my next point.I am more lenient with him, because he didn't grow up with good male examples. I come from a family where there has NEVER been a divorce, and we've always had a decent amount of money. He, on the other hand, comes from a family who's NEVER had a first time successful marriage, and his family always had money problems. So, he just never had a really good example of how a male should treat his wife. I grew up with tons. Granted, he has a nice idea of what NOT to do, and that's why he's such a good person with such strong family values.... but lately I'm realizing that he just doesn't GET how uncomfortable these things make me. And it's not like I don't tell him. I would pay so much money if he could have just grown up in a family like mine, i KNOW that's his problem. But how long should I wait to see if he can change? Or am I overreacting? I've never wanted to ask this question because I know all the answers would be to leave him. And I've even told him that... that if I were "following the rules" I should have left him a long time ago. But I don't want to! But we are SO great other than this, it kills me! And I feel like he could change, but it might be too late since he grew up that way. And I don't think I can get across in words how much I love him, and for good reason, and how much he loves me. He just has this fault, and I don't know what to make of it. If the perfect relationship has a small problem with abusive behavior.... what should we do? He's willing to change, but he just doesn't. I think it's just the way he is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): I am currently in a relationship where my boyfriend acts very sweet most of the time, until we are in a big argument. He then will go on to say mean things..cursing at me...slamming the door calling me an ugly name and "go to a ....bad place". I do know that he does not truly mean it, and just says these things out of "lack of self control", but i am afraid it may turn into worse abuse. I am aware that we should probably break up, as we have only been together for 4 months, but I love him. He is also from a dysfunctional family and my theory was "why should he be punished if he is looking for a change". I don't really know what to do either...
A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (4 December 2008):
Imagine yourself, let's say, 10 years from now. Where and how do you see yourself?
Maybe this little piece of experience of someone who has been dealing with abusive behaviour for the past 16 years, more or less, can help you decide where you don't want to be.
My high school sweetheart was a product of a completely dysfunctional family, which ultimately destroyed our relationship. Throughout our seven year-long journey I did my best to help him. First of all I wanted him to realise that he was abusive, hoping that it would be a good starting point. I invested my love, energy and time and needles to say I failed. The worst thing was that in the end it was he who felt betrayed and I who felt guilty for not trying harder. By that time I was 23 years old and completely drained. Few relationships after, I meet this great guy. We've been together for the past 6 years (married for 3). I love him deeply and, guess what, wish to help him overcome his verbal abusive tendencies. He has a strong voice and doesn't hesitate to use it. He doesn't know any better having grown up in very difficult circumstances, right? Being patient and loving I've finally made some progress! I've helped the man I love accept that he is abusive. And now what? I payed a high price, which I won't discuss now, and I discovered a whole new set of excuses for this kind of behaviour. At our age, a sad childhood is not the only issue, it's the stress of everyday life: work, financial difficulties, friends, family, neighbours... there's always a good explanation for an "episode" of that sort in our otherwise good relationship, leaving some hope that once these outside factors are gone everything would be better. The only problem is they will never be gone, life is stress. Right now I'm in a place where I still want to give us a chance, but I CAN say how long this will last and I did tell him. He knows what's at stake. If he doesn't start working on his problem seriously (counseling, being more open about it etc.) I'll leave. I simply won't accept the possibility of spending the rest of my life, living peacefully only between the "seizures". I love him, but I can't be his shrink.
My late mother used to say that once "damaged" people find a healthy person to be with, they grip her/him so hard and won't let go, and we, being stronger than them, easily fall in that trap. Enough said.
His behaviour is ABUSIVE no matter what he thinks or says. Be brave and don't be alone. Share this with your friends and family. You'll need all the support you can get. Because, sooner or later you'll have to face the fact that you can't divide your relationship on the part that is absolutely perfect and the part that is problematic. Unfortunately this latter part outweighs the first one. I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Here's the number to call, you can just call and ask your question of a trained counselor there and see what she or he thinks. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
Here's one for starters:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/relationships/safe-your-relationship-19917.htm
For the benefit of our readers, I'll put the pertinent paragraphs below:
---------------------
PHYSICAL SAFETY
In healthy relationships, partners help each other feel loved and safe. Hurting someone physically is never okay, it doesn't solve anything, and it's against the law. Violent behavior and fear make a person feel unsafe.
Does your partner ...
push, shove, punch, kick, choke, or bite you?
restrain you, hold you down, or use other kinds of force during an argument?
have violent mood swings?
break or throw objects, or destroy your things?
leave you stranded in dangerous places?
refuse to help you or keep you from going to the doctor or getting medicine?
have a history of physically abusing a partner in the past?
If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you are likely being treated badly. Signs of abuse like these may mean that you're not safe in your relationship — and it may get worse.
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I think you can say yes to items 2 and 3, can't you?
Now to go on:
Should I End the Relationship?
In abusive relationships, abusive behavior may become increasingly dangerous. Even if your partner apologizes and promises that it won't happen again, it is likely to get worse.
Trust your instincts. If you feel you are treated badly, you probably are. If you feel unsafe, you are probably in danger. If something inside you tells you to get away from your partner, do it.
Does your partner ...
refuse to take full responsibility for the abuse?
refuse to get professional help?
become more and more abusive?
push, hit, kick, or choke you more often as time goes on?
hit you harder now and leave more bruises or broken bones?
make threats to kill you or her/himself if you leave the relationship?
have a weapon?
If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you are in danger. You need to make plans to get out of your relationship
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I think the answer to item number one is yes, how about number two? Has he refused to get counseling? Have you asked that he seek help? And how are we doing on number three?
Honey, I'm very concerned that you are at the beginning stages of becoming a battered woman. Sounds dramatic, I know, but your sixth sense, your gut, your intuition, everything is telling you there's something wrong. It may be fixable, if he's willing to acknowledge that he has a problem and gets help, but this is not going to go away and will only get worse.
Now that I've scared you and probably got you wanting to close down this webpage and unask the question, here's the site that you really need to look at:
http://www.ndvh.org/
You're being honest here, and I think it's time to be honest with your family and him. He has a problem. He's not stopping this bad behavior. You may be at risk in the future.
Please take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
Whoops! I accidently pressed the add button. Sorry for that. Cut off mid-sentence.
His upbringing. The fact of the matter is that he can't control himself. He knows it's wrong, he knows you don't like it, so why does he continue to do it? It's not his lack of a male role model, it's his lack of self-control.
I'm going to post a link here and I want you to go read it very carefully and really try to understand that your continuing to tolerate this by staying with him in some way lets him off the hook, at least he probably thinks so. He's counting on your love for him to keep you from doing what you need to do, which is separate from him and see if he can get some help for this before it blossoms into a full-blown abuse situation.
I'll be right back with the link. You take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Your right, they are warning signs. Once you get married, its quite likely he could lose it one day and start really hitting you. Take notice of the signs and leave. You already told him how you felt, the fact he hasn't changed says a lot.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
Tricky one. You do love him but his behavior sometimes makes you uncomfortable and in fact he does seem to be threatening you.
I'm not sure what to advise you, but I think your gut is telling you that something is wrong here, despite the perfection of the relationship otherwise, and I think that is something to sit up and pay attention to. Because from what you've written, it's not getting better and it's not going to get better because he's not changing.
I think he is displaying abusive behavior. Flicking you, pinching you, pretending to hit you, tickling you while holding you down, those are aggressive behaviors.
You've tried to reason with him, you've tried getting him to see your side, you've tried to get across how uncomfortable this makes you. He's either not listening or simply doesn't have the empathy to understand what he's doing is wrong.
Do you have a clenched little knot of anxiety in your stomach when you two are together? Even for a little while, not all the time? Are you worried he's going to lose it one day and actually injure you? He seems to be building up to it.
I know you don't want to be told to leave him, but I think you need to understand that this could haunt you your entire life, if you two get married. I think this is how women who wind up battered begin, by making excuses for the inexcusable behavior of the guy they love. It doesn't start off being a violent relationship, it slowly grows into one as he is convinced he's doing nothing wrong and that it's actually her fault somehow.
You've made a lot of excuses for him. His family situation, his upbringing, his
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 December 2008):
He's never going to change because why should he?
You've asked him to and he isn't and you are doing nothing.
You have to be REALLY firm on him here.
Next time he does it, FREAK OUT AT HIM and walk out. He will make some effort if he knows that you will leave.
Tell him you do not want to be in a relationship with a man who scares you.
I did this with my boyfriend's driving and it really made him think about what he was doing.
Good Luck!! xx
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