A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months or so, we were friends before this also and we love each other dearly. we both worked hard at university and have graduate positions and promising careers ahead of us. however, there is a problem, we dont get on with eachother's friends. due to my upbringing and going to school in a privilaged area i can sometimes come accross a bit " middle class" if you dont mind the expression. my boyfriend went to school in a different town which is less so but this has never been a problem for us as a couple but it has made intergration with each others friends difficult. we often have couples nights out with his friends, however the other girls (usually the girlfriends) or his male friends don't include as much as i have tried and it is clear i dont really fit in as a year younger but working in the city in a successful graduate job whereas they are either umemployed or in non graduate positions. i come accross really arragont here but i am not i have worked hard to get where i am. we clash so much that i am left out of these gatherings and usually end up talking to one of their boyfriends who works in a similar field to me and both feel the same about the situation. it is awkward as i really want to fit in with them, i have tried talking to my boyfriend about this but he just shrugs it off saying that i probably intimidate them and he's pleased im not like them but sometimes i think he wishes i was. we have a bbq this weekend for an engagement, he assumed i would come along and kinda told me i was coming along, i couldnt actually go as it is my best friends 21st birthday on the same day but he assumes this is an excuse. the last few times we were going to meet up i havent actually been able to either, however it was always work or family commitments that stopped me. i lost my grandfather 2 months ago after a battle with cancer and it hasnt been easy but i know he is getting sick of the excuses why i cant go, even though they are genuine.i dont know what to do, i am really proud of how hard i have worked and that i am independant but i can't stand the way i am "looked down upon" as an outsider by some of his friends. Some of his friends i get on really well with, but this one group i really dont and its starting to become a bit of a problem. i am sick of feeling like an outsider and wish my bf could see this but i understand him, i wonder if he thinks the problem is me and blames me for it but as much as i have tried i just dont fit with them and can't stand how bitchy both the men and women are in this groupi have read this through and realised how immature i must sound, its stupid i know but i desperatly want this not to be a problem, what can i do? i tried intergrate with them but i was rejected, i have missed several of these outings and it has irritated my bf. i am at the end of my tether as i cant see a soultion. i am not going to change who i am, and as the new girl of the group i feel i am never going to be accepted.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I am much older than you but have similar issues. I have a successful career as a consultant at a large London teaching hospital and work very hard. My husband works hard but in a manual profession. Hs friends are construction workrs and builders and I have nothing in common with his friends at all. I used to participate in meals with them and other things but really they don't want me there so now I no longer attend anything. They now say I am looking down on them but it is not that it is a case of we have nothing in common, the women discuss their kids, tv, caravan holidays etc where I go to the South of France and probably spend more on a pair of shoes then they do in a month. I don"t think relationships like this work long term, you need people from similar soctal backgrounds and careers to make things work. Otherwise one or more party feels disillusioned and dissatisfied. If you have tried being genuinely friendly and respectful with his friends and they still don't make you feel comfortable thenthere is nothing more you can do.
A
male
reader, Rowdy +, writes (29 June 2012):
There seems to simply be a gap between you and his friends. That doesn't mean there's anything with your relationship, just that you are different than the friends he grew up with. If he has picked you, and he loves, why worry?The important thing here is, be nice to his friends, be friendly, be polite, you know, the same show of respect you would give your professors that you don't like or strangers you know nothing about. If you give them this respect, although you may never end up being real friends with them, at least you will have shown to your boyfriend that you have genuinely tried, and he will appreciate that.You value hard work and an education, his friends don't seem to have the same values, going off of your post. It happens. But what matters the most is your boyfriend. Talk to him about how you feel and how he feels about the situation. That should be of a lot of help I think.
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