A
female
age
51-59,
*unshine175
writes:My boyfriends ex is starting to make me have uneasy. Feelings. They were only married two years and had no children together. She did bring a two year old little girl into the marriage. They fought all the time and she wanted out and filed for divorce. They have been divorced 5 years. She now has new bf and lives with him. I have been going out with my bad for a year. He told me from the start they are best friends. I have heard them tell each other they love each other. I have seen texts for her professing her love and saying she messed up. And she comes over to the house to cut his hair. They text daily. She said she wants to meet me. I haowe er do t understand why I would need to. She is an ex. I have suspicions she wants him back and can’t let go. Maybe o. Either part. Him and I never fight but I am concerned how to approach this. I love him with all my heart but I feel like I am a third wheel and that I will never measure up and have that closest with him. I don’t know what to do!
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best friend, divorce, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2018): If your instinct tells you this relationship with his ex is not right then believe your gut. It is possible to be friends with exes but difficult. I am friends with my ex husband and his little girl comes over sometimes to do some art with me. He and his second wife come over for my son's birthday (he's 20) and occasionally we all have a meal out together. I know my ex husband cares for me deeply, but like a sister. I would never see him on his own without his wife, let alone cut his hair. There is a solid and trusting respect between us, built on the need for us to support our son. He would not go around saying he loves me. It is going over a boundary. I think this woman is attention seeking and she is enjoying planting naughty seeds between you. If you tell your boyfriend that you have an instinctive feeling that something isn't right he would listen if he respects you. Share with him your discomfort. You are being asked to accept a very challenging dynamic in your relationship but you have no evidence whatsoever that you can trust her. If you had, I am sure you would feel at ease and she would instinctively behave in a sensitive and respectful manner. Which would include involving her new boyfriend front and centre. I think she may be playing them off against each other for a thrill.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2018): I'm a woman who has always had mostly male friends (it's platonic, but it's just that I prefer male company because I don't have girly interests). I certainly would be very sad, if I had a guy friend, and we were just in an innocent, platonic friendship, and he dumped the friendship because of a girl. On the other hand, this guy isn't just her friend, he's her ex too. It's really hard to be friends with an ex. It's possible, but it's hard. Sometimes, people can be friends, try a relationship, and then realize that the relationship was toxic but that the friendship they had is still salvageable and it would be a shame to throw a friendship away. However, you've described their relationship and I don't blame you for being pissed off. I believe that it's possible, and even healthy, to have opposite sex friendships... innocent, platonic ones. You shouldn't be shut out or be made to be catalogued as "second place." You should tell your boyfriend how you're feeling. If I could have a boyfriend, I would understand that he has friends and that he had a life before I came into the picture, but if another girl crossed the line and entered into the circle of intimacy that I would expect the two of us to share, I would feel hurt and violated. I don't know if your boyfriend is deliberately hurting you, but you should not keep these feelings bottled up. It's not healthy, it's better just to vent it out.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2018):
 You are right why not set up a meeting so you can see what she is like and see if you get the feeling she is more than friends with him.
I do understand why this would make you uneasy, I would be the same. I also think it is important to be open and honest with your partner. I am sure if it was you and an ex husband who where still best friends and telling each other you love them then he would find it difficult as well. But your boyfriend is not a mind reader so talk to him and be honest with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2018):
 I'd say try the meeting her. If she is just TOO much over him or it seems like THEY are the couple and you the spectator, then YOU have to decide if you want to continue dating a man who makes you LESS of a priority than his ex-now/friend whom he has very blurry lines with... or not.
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A
female
reader, sunshine175 +, writes (11 May 2018):
sunshine175 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. I am not expecting they not talk and be friends. But coming from a marriage of 17 years Where I was cheated on I also know that it isn’t fair to not st least tell him it makes me a bit uneasy. Not good if you can’t have Good communication! Maybe meeting her would help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2018): Kind of reminds me of the Diana, camilla affair. Look how that ended up. Put the boot on the other foot and how would he be if your ex was you’re best mate. If it makes you unhappy then you aren’t a priority. I would not put myself through the upset. It’s weird and he should have more respect for you. Just my opinion. I would walk away, regardless of loving him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2018):
I think it sounds a bit odd. Honestly... but some people can really CARE for someone and NOT want to BE with that person in a relationship but wanting to keep them around. While I don't think it's all that healthy for anyone, that is how some people roll.
They have been friends LONGER than they were married. Which should tell you that together (as in them being a couple) was toxic and probably a little "addictive" or co-dependent. Which is why they are still holding onto each other.
The thing is OP, he has known her and she has been part of his life at LEAST 7 more years than he has known you. And for whatever reason this odd friendship with very loose boundaries OBVIOUSLY gives them both something or they wouldn't continue.
As a GF it's REALLY not your job to dictate who he can be friends with and who he can't. However, you can decide if this is just too odd for you and WALK away. He is not going to PICK you over her. YOU are the one comparing yourself to her. Not him. (at least not from what you write).
As for meeting her... well, WHY not? Maybe if she meets you she will back off a little.. maybe she won't. But you will get a MUCH better picture on what's really going on by watching their interactions IN person.
She doesn't HAVE to become your bosom-buddy, but she IS more than an EX to him. She is now his friend and has been for 5 years.
I would (personally) meet her (neutral ground - like over a lunch) and suss her out. People are SO much more transparent in person than they think.
Or you can decide this is not for you and end it. Giving him an ultimatum will not work. Why do I say that? Because you mentioned this:" He told me from the start they are best friends." that is basically him saying SHE is my BESTEST friend and I'll never let her go.
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