A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend( he's 52) for 9 years now so he knows me well and I met his family VERY early on ( a bit to early in hindsight) They have never shown any interest in me.....never asked me any personal questions to get to know me better...nothing! Every single time I've tried to open up and share something personal to his mother, she always dismissed it and pretended to relate by saying something like my sister's hairdresser had the same experience etc and that was it!This summer by bf suggested we drive out to the country where his parents always go to spend the summer and stay with them a few days since we can't travel anywhere else......I was so desperate for a get away that I agreed and told myself I could tolerate them for a few days:(Before we went they asked him to drop by their house here to pick up their mail and bring it over.......we did!!After a 7 hour drive in the heat of summer, we get there exhausted and I had a massive headache and his father starts opening up the mail right away and has a compete freak out and starts yelling and arguing with his wife over some mistakes she made bc she's in charge of paying the bills but he makes the money so "it's his money" and they involve my bf as a referee and all 3 start yelling and arguing and I just left to go to the bedroom to escape!When it was time for dinner the yelling and arguing commenced again( we didn't go out for dinner bc you don't do that in their family if you have your own place with a kitchen....money is more important to them then kicking back and relaxing and not having to worry about cooking!!After dinner I went straight to bed to let them argue some more and my bf eventually came to bed as well but I couldn't turn off my brain and go to sleep till around midnight bc that's how long the parents stayed up and continued to argue!!The next morning they all woke up as soon as the sun rose and started arguing again so they forced me to get up as well:(After I showered I went into the kitchen to eat and found them all around the table and after I got my food I sat down and said that if I wasn't going to be able to relax and sleep that night again either I would check myself into a hotel!The mother was all like oh no no why wouldn't you be able to sleep....of course there won't be any noise and you'll sleep just fine and then they started arguing some more and deciding on their pan of action which included driving down to the nearest big city and going to the bank to yell at them!!!....I said something like you guys go ahead and I'll just stay here to relax and try to turn my brain off if that's ok!When they all returned my bf said I was acting crazy and that his father said I was being a big baby!!Ever since then my bf and I have been ghosting each other and he keeps telling me to.....go away....I'm busy.....leave me alone....you're crazy....you have mental issues...you need to smoke some pot to relax your brain......YOU ARE NOT NORMAL!! etcI
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2021): Well, if they felt comfortable enough to discuss their private family-matters and air their dirty laundry in-front of you; they have to consider you part of the family.
I suspected you're living together; but you were living alone when you met him.
You're right! I guess decent housing anywhere in the US and Canada comes at a premium cost. It's not really a good idea to become financially-dependent on a man who isn't your husband; strictly because you'll end-up in your present situation. Always keep a stash for emergencies or a rainy-day. What we call "mad-money!" In the event you're forced to make a hasty exit from a bad situation!
He knows you have nowhere to go; so he'll feel comfortable being belligerent and aggressive; and you'll find yourself stuck in an abusive-relationship. I was taught way-back in my college years; don't sign a lease to a place I can't pay for by myself if my roommate bails-out on me. I kept to that! Lo and behold, it happened a few times! I was never left in a lurch, or stuck with a roommate I couldn't stand. Learn to budget and save. Don't leave a paper-trail for your hidden savings account. Keep it strictly electronic. Don't put his money in your savings or checking account. That's not fair. If you're not married, you shouldn't have joint bank accounts. What are you going to do if he gets angry, and withdraws all the money?
Now is the time to decide if you can add more years to this relationship. You still haven't mentioned anything affectionate about him. How do you ghost somebody you live with? I guess you mean you just ignore each-other and don't talk. Well, at least that keeps the peace, while everybody cools-off. It's better than arguing and screaming at each-other. You still need to keep an open bridge of communication; because you have to discuss your problems, or they'll just fester and get worse. When you can no longer reason with your partner, and they start brow-beating and bullying you. It's over. That ain't love!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys!!
We do unfortunately live together bc when I first met him he was living with them and I started making excuses why I couldn't come by ( every time I went there to see HIM and get to know HIM they saw it as an excuse to come down or ask that I go up so THEY could be entertained but they never asked me anything about me it was just about THEM having someone to talk to about and THEIR problems)so he pushed me to give up my apartment( wayy too small for the both of us) and get an apartment with him which we split the bills for of course!!
What I liked about him was that he was different from the other guys I dated( he waa bit more reserved( now boring) and kind and hardworking and showed a lot of interest in me) I feel like I'm stuck with him till something changes in my life and I can move forward without him bc for me to move out now and get my own place again would mean an increase of about$1000 per month in expenses and I just can't afford to make a move right now....
I don't hate his parents but I can only tolerate them in small doses bc they've never shown a lot of interest in me....honestly..the only think that would perk up their ears and want to hear more from me about is if I said I was pregnant or that I just won/inherited a million dollars!
Yes it was partly my fault for going there bc I knew how they are and i will NEVER make that mistake again but I was desperate to get away and go somewhere bc it feels like I've been stuck at home forever!!
Once there I couldn't just make an excuse and leave bc we went there with HIS car and their place is about
-6-7h away from where I live so a cab would've been out of the question and no buses go directly from here to there:(
I think you are right that I'm just fed up and that's why I blew up.....if it had been the first time I met them or if I liked them more I wouldn't have reacted quite like that despite the fact that they were super rude to start yelling and fighting about bills in front of a guest who they knew was tired from a 7h car ride AND had a headache!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2021): If what he said is how he feels, and you don't really seem to like his family, and vice versa; then maybe the relationship has fully run its course.
You can drag a loveless-relationship out until it's nothing more than a habit. You've written quite a lengthy post about what annoys you about your boyfriend and his parents. You didn't mention anything positive or affectionate about him. Nine years is a long-time for a relationship that doesn't change or lead to marriage. It's like you're holding-on, or waiting for something better out of it; but it never really gets there.
You're tired of him and his family. That is what I gather from the post. Women over 40 don't give-up lousy-boyfriends and empty-relationships easily. They think their age limits their options and opportunities. They are sometimes terrified of being alone. They'll ride it out, until they can't take him anymore! You're not his wife; so there is no need to put-up with any of this.
Everyone involved is too old to change their ways; and I'm almost certain his parents have always been as you've described them. Why do you expect them to change??? They're two cranky old-people. Old-folks squabble all the time. It's their house, and they can argue as much as they like. Your sarcasm and curtness in their home amounts to being a rude house-guest. You could have excused yourself, and left; rather than dramatizing how annoyed you were.
Your relationship to him is more important than how you get along with his parents. He didn't speak to you respectfully; and you shouldn't need pot, alcohol, or any drugs to adjust your mood or feelings. He accused you of being mentally-ill? Are you?
If anyone needs attitude-adjustments, it's him and his argumentative family!
In all fairness, of course I can understand how he might be embarrassed and insulted that you don't really like his parents. I personally don't like drama or unnecessary conflict. I live a peaceful life, with the usual challenges and mishaps that come with daily-living. When I don't particularly like people, or I know they don't like me, I have nothing to do with them. If my partner called me crazy, and told me to get lost; I would end our relationship, if that is all there is to look forward to. A nine-year investment should yield a better reward than what you've gotten, my dear. They're getting on your nerves, and that's only because you've had enough of all three of them. It's a very unfriendly and belligerent environment.
Kick him to the curb, and get-on with your life. It's time for a new man. Life is too short! The jerk won't even put a ring on it! You'd be out of your mind to accept it, if he does after all this time! His folks don't even like you! Doesn't seem he does either!
Girlfriend, you don't need our advice. You know what you've got to do. Boyfriends, unlike husbands, are disposable and replaceable. You don't have to put-up with their nonsense or mistreatment. There are no lawyers or legal fees to worry about. Just tell him it's over! I presume you don't live together; so that makes it even more convenient to end this mess. How can you ghost each-other living in the same house?
You heard him, he told you to go-away! You're both too mature to be playing childish games.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2021):
 I'm surprised you have managed a relationship with this guy for 9 years! He seems like a clueless dickwad!
If you don't live together with your BF, thank your lucky stars!!
If this is how HIS family "function" then he probably work that way too, to an extend. So when you spoke up and said no thanks to hanging out with them while they went to the bank to argue with strangers, he saw it as a criticism of his family.
This is the norm for them. Drama and arguing.
Honestly, don't you feel a sense of peace to NOT be around him or them?
You were a hostage - eh, "guest" at their weekend house and you were not enjoying yourself. The thing is (I would presume) you knew beforehand that these people wouldn't be fun or relaxing to be around, yet you still went. It turned out to be a nightmare (for you) and you spoke up. They didn't like that and now your BF is ignoring you and/or mad at you.
I mean, what did you expect?
I hope you two don't have ANY shared finances, if you do, now is the time to separate it.
Also, you might have gotten used to this guy and his family because you have dated so long, but from an outsider's perspective - I think you need to really look at this and see it for what it is. Toxic.
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