A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is kind of long.When I go out with my bf, he seems to scan the restaurant, grocery store, gym, wherever, for attractive women. He has a couple of signature looks he gives when he sees an attractive woman. Sometimes it's the excited boyish look and other times it's a bright-eyed raised eyebrow look. His look let's the woman know he is really impressed with her hotness. I have caught his looks on a number of occasions and have turned around to see a smiling, attractive, woman. More often, I do not see the look, but I do see the woman's response. She is usually flattered and sends back a big smile. Only recently I let him know that I was aware of his signature looks. (Basically it's the same as winking at a woman, but not as outdated and obvious.) He did the usual denial. He blamed me for being over the top with my perceptions. That is his usual modus operandi when I would bring up issues with him ogling other women (but that’s another topic). He has tried to curtail the ogling, or maybe he’s just gotten better at hiding it from me. I’m just tired of going out in public and feeling humiliated, feeling invisible, and feeling like a 3rd wheel watching him and another women share their little special intimate moment. Not that it happens every time we go out, but it did happen just recently. I ordered lunch for us over the phone. We went to pick it up and it was my treat. The pretty cashier kept looking at my bf, smiling. I’m right here in front of you. I’m trying to paying the bill. She glanced my way for a split second (probably because I was staring at her waiting) and and her smile faded ever so slightly. Then she looked right back and my bf and her smile was quite radiant again. Then it was over and she let me pay the bill. Can I say for sure that he elicited that look from her? No. Maybe there was some innocent reason she was smiling at him. Had this been a one, a two, or a three time thing, I would have just let it go. But this has been going on for years. I never liked it, I have complained about it a few times, but many times I have just said nothing. (I've complained more about the ogling than this issue.) This last incident feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I don’t want to be witness to it ever again. I just want to go out with my bf and be content. I don’t want another woman invading what I think should be his and my intimate space. I don’t blame the women since he is the one that invites them in.Am I over the top? Or, should he knock it off?Thanks in advance for your advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2017): He's an insecure, weak little boy.He needs to be validated. All the time!! Validation is an INSIDE JOB. It is not the job of anyone else, including your partner. Although if anyone should be doing it, it should be your partner and not strange women!He looks because he wants them to look back!! He is trying to get their attention in some way. Hoping their eyes will lock. He is seeing if he still has it. And in his selfish attempts at attention, he has no idea how much it hurts you. Yes, you have told him but he just doesn't care about your feelings. His needs come first! Is that the kind of a man you want? A man who is confident and secure in himself and his relationship does not do this!!! This is childish behaviour!!! Wreaks of insecurity and a guy with no self esteem. He needs to look outside himself and his relationship to get it!! That is wrong and it is a recipe for disaster. Do you need to worry for the rest of your life that he does not lock eyes with the right woman? The one he would soon cheat with?I believe this sort of behaviour is not limited just to his ogling. It is an attitude in general. He will likely flirt with other women while you are not around. Whether it's ogling or in texts, social media or in any social or work setting. You will always need to wonder how far this man will go to get an EGO BOOST, to validate his low self esteem. And in doing that, is he AWARE of his boundaries? Or is he going to cross the line? Will he end up going TOO far? Is this something you want to worry about all the time? What a horrible way to live.It seems to me the best solution would be not to live this way by eliminating the source of the problem. HIM!!!It isn't going to get any better. Worse, in fact. It isn't a matter of people like this not being able to change. It's that they are INCAPABLE of changing. They CHOOSE not to change! So, he has left YOU with NO choice.Their patterns of behaviour are engrained in them because they've been behaving this way for years and it is second nature for them to behave this way. AND they get off on these bad behaviours! It almost becomes like an addiction for them. And when you are up against somebody's addiction, you will always lose.
A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (30 June 2017):
 I think he is vain and insecure, and wants recognition from other women that he is still attractive to the opposite sex. Plus there's an element of making you feel uncomfortable, because he wants to demonstrate that other women find him attractive. He should, in your words, knock it off! It's rude and immature behaviour.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 June 2017):
 I always compare the difference between noticing beautiful women (and men, just to keep it honest!) to the difference between a discreet burp or looking to find an opportune moment to pass gas, like in a bathroom) and a 4-alarm wide-open mouthed belch, or a decibel-inducing episode of flatulence. Everyone burps or passes gas. Not everyone does it so rudely and unsightly.
Same with eating. Everyone eats, but not everyone chews massive bites with their mouths wide open. Everyone coughs, but polite people cover their mouths out of respect for people in the room. Everyone itches, but no sane person would spread his or her legs and scratch their groin area or pick their nose during a job interview!
This is EXACTLY the issue here. Everyone notices beautiful people whether they're single or partnered. It's in our DNA to notice, and beauty is beauty in men or women. However, out of respect for the company we keep, we don't rubberneck, cat call, ogle, or leer at the beautiful man or woman.
Your guy lacks manners in the area of noticing beautiful women. Just as he would never let out a loud belch at the aforementioned job interview, or a loud fart at a funeral, he shouldn't be leering and ogling women in your presence, and to do so shows lack of manners and respect both to you AND the object of his leering! He should not be FLIRTING with women, period.
One thing I can tell you -- those women aren't all flattered by his attention. They may smile, but not all women like to be ogled or leered at any more than they'd want to be groped without consent!
I'd have a talk with him about manners, but I'm not optimistic that he'll change if he's the same age you are. There are so many other guys out there with much better respect and manners than he does, who know the difference between noticing a beautiful woman and ogling one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): He is wrong. You've told him how it makes you feel, he continues to do it anyway. I think in any relationship it is about respect and consideration for your partner.
I dated a man who did the same thing, it got to where I didn't want to go out with him, and quit seeing him.
Don't stay with a man who damages your self-esteem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2017): In my view you are not over the top. This might not be a problem for some women, but it is for you and that is what counts. Personally, I find it disrespectful for a man (or a woman) to give more than a passing glance to an attractive person when you are with your significant other. He is with you, his girlfriend, and that is where his attention should be.
Try having another conversation with him, but this time don't let him get away with blaming you and your perceptions. The sad fact, considering your age group, is that he may not be able to change his behavior. In that case you'll have to decide if you can continue to put up with his flirting and ogling. It's hard, especially if you've been together for long time, to make a decision to separate. I know as I once had to do that for the same reason, but I ended up feeling much better about myself for doing it.
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