A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I desperately need some advice and would love to hear from others who have been in my situation.I've been with my partner for 10 years. I love him with all my heart. He's sweet, kind, patient, extremely intelligent and I know he'll make a brilliant father. I'm 29 1/2 now and for the past few months, all I can think about is starting a family. It's completely ruling my thoughts. We have a huge holiday overseas planned in a few months time and I would rather cancel this and start trying now, but all my parter can say when I raise the topic is "I'm not ready yet", which I guess translated means that he's afraid?We have been together for a decade.. we have enjoyed our freedom, travelled, got to know each other, built our careers, gained our qualifications etc. I'm concerned about my age and know that the breast cancer risks and pregnancy complications only start increasing from here onwards. I've wanted children since I was 18.. always overly maternal. But of course I knew I had plenty of years to plan a family.. and have always put it to the back of my mind - never considered it until now.I can talk to my partner about anything, or, I used to be able to. With this one thing, he just clams up. He looks at me like I'm some psycho he's just met after a one night stand! He thinks because he says he's not ready yet, that things can go back to how they've always been with us and I'll just be content to keep going on holidays and having fun together. But my heart is screaming. We just got back from a three day trip away. He tried to make it a lovely time for us. I spent it tearing up inside. Everywhere I looked, I saw pregnant women my age, young families, beautiful little children.. I was even getting clucky watching this one mum with her 11 year old. She was so proud of her daughter. I get consumed with fear that I'll never be able to be a parent. What's going on with me.. and why is my partner so closed off to the idea without any real reason? We're not married, but we live together. I have never pressured him for a flash wedding or a ring on my finger. None of that matters. I love him, I trust him with all my heart and I want to take this next step with him.Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): Quite simply put, if you want to take the next step with him but he doesn't want to take the next step with you then this relationship has served its purpose and it's reached a dead end now. Which means this relationship can't continue further. It was great for the last decade but now it's run its course. I think there's nothing left to do except for you to break up with him (since he's not man enough to break up with you) and move on to find someone new who does share your vision of the future.
It's not his fault that he doesn't want to get married, he should not get married just to suit you, that would be like you using him to get the life you want. Not all people want to get married and have kids, and you should respect his choice if that's what he wants for his life, and not try to make him change to suit your choice of how you want to live your life. If he doesn't share your vision of the future, then he is by definition not partner-material for you.
But that said, he does owe you a straight answer. If his answer is "no", then he should be a man and say "no." If he is only saying "not ready YET" this is where he's being unfair to you because he's not willing to make a decision and commit to the consequences of that decision whether it be a yes or no. I call this stringing along, and if it's been going on for 10 years I think it's very dishonorable of him. Not just in romantic relationship, mind you. Going into a business partnership with someone - if the other person won't make a decision to commit to your joint business venture, but doesn't actually come right out and say "no" to you either, that's unfair to you, in which case you would do well to take the initiative to end that business relationship and look for a new partner to join forces with. It's very similar to marriage, but with marriage the stakes are much higher because you are betting not just money and a few years of your life, but the REST of your life and everything you have.
Thus all the more, you should not tolerate a partner's continued indecision when it comes to marriaget. A never ending indecision is basically a "no" it's just a pity they weren't man enough to say it outright.
You have to be the one to make a decision now for your own life. If having kids and being in a marriage are your top priorities then you should break up with him so you can find someone who also has those goals. There are many men out there who do want that. The longer you wait for this guy the more you're hurting your chances of finding a compatible partner.
You also dont' want to push him into marriage just because it's easier than starting over from being single again. Unfortunately, when women wait many years for indecisive men, their patience eventually runs out and they end up pushing the man into marriage because they feel that the man now owes them marriage for their years of waiting and sacrificing their prime childbearing years. Do not fall into this trap of waiting and waiting only to finally push him into marriage against his will because by then you're too desperate to start over from scratch.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 ten years together
no real commitment to marriage or a life together with a family...
I think you need to tell him he has X amount of time and if he can't pony up and be a man and make a choice you will make it for him and it will mean leaving him.
otherwise you will settle for a life with a man that does not want to marry you or have children... because at your age after ten years... he knows....
I have NEVER met a man at ANY age who once he knew what he wanted didn't go for it.
My first husband... I was 21 he was 23... we had been dating two years... we knew.... granted we were not ready and we did divorce but we have two beautiful sons from the union.... but the point is HE KNEW
my current partner and I plan to marry later this year... he is 38 now and when we started (just over a year ago) he swore up and down right and left in and out.... that he was NEVER getting married. He did not BELIEVE in marriage... it was not needed.... then he fell in love for the firs time and within 6 months he knew he wanted to live with me and marry me and gave up his entire life to rebuild a life with me....
if he does not want children and you do, ONE of you has to compromise.... and I think that you will be angry if you don't have kids...but you also will be angry if you have kids with a man who truly does not want them because he will not be the father you dream of having for your children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): You need to ask him directly whether or not he will EVER be ready to have kids. If not wanting kids is a dealbreaker you have to find out ASAP. You wouldn't want to waste your time.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (14 February 2012):
 After 10 years of being in a relationship, he has not done anything to suggest he wants to take it to another level. If he didn't propose and you're not married, what makes you think he would undertake take the biggest step and responsibility (having children) with you? What I don't understand is how you can let him simply walk away from such a serious conversation. If he tells you he is not ready, why aren't you asking him the important WHY question? Why are you assuming that "he is afraid"? Have an adult conversation, where you lay all your cards out. Have him explain himself and give you his reasons for not wanting children. Hear the answer from the horse's mouth and decide if you can live with it.All I can suggest to you is to have a deadline for yourself. How long is too long for you to wait? Will you give him another year or five? Are you prepared to end this relationship if he doesn't want kids within your time frame or ever? Be honest. Let him know your limit and make it clear. If you want children soon and your relationship falls through, you will need time to find someone else and have a relationship with them before you have kids. That's at least 2-3 years, possibly longer depending on your luck. Don't waste your time. Have a real talk and get real answers and decide what will be best for your future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): YOu really need to force the marriage and children discussion with him. You read about it all too often - long relationship with no such discussions, the woman suddenly wants more and the man doesn't. He says he's not ready, drags her around for acouple of more years, then finally admits to 1. never wanting kids or 2. she's not 'the one'. They break up, she's 36 and desperate, he finds someone else he marries and has kids with ('the one' for him).Just be careful. This conversation needs to happen. Why are you not married yet? Does he want children?
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (14 February 2012):
 I see a red flag go up: You two are not married. Yes you love him, and none of that matters, you've never pressured him, and even though you live together and have been together for 10 years, you are not married.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "why hasn't he taken the step to marry me?"
Have you ever discussed the possibility of children early in the relationship?
The fact that you are not married makes me think he is perfectly content with how things are and has no interest in changing anything.
You want children, so you really need to address this with him. I don't want to come off as though I'm suggesting an ultimatum, but you need to make it clear that if he can not provide you with what you want (children), then perhaps you need to go in a direction that will give you a better chance of what you want.
Good luck!
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